6:00 AM - 7:00 AM "JACK TAKES A BITE OUT OF CRIME"

6:00 Groups of early Los Angeles morning commuters gather around a bank of television monitors as we learn that terrorist attacks began “eleven weeks ago in ten different cities.” More than 900 people have been killed so far. The Fox News Alert tells us that a bombing in San Antonio took place just last night.

Fox News also reveals:

“Death Toll Climbs In Atlanta Train Attack”

“Car Bombing In New York”

6:01 Perhaps the eeriest 24 scene ever, the mood is downright apocalyptic. In the wake of the news, an MTA bus driver refuses to let an Arab man carrying a backpack onto his bus. The writers have moved the center of the threat from Los Angeles and spread it out across the country. More importantly, they’ve replaced the threat of attack with the specter of terrorism as the show’s main driver of suspense. Jack won’t be stopping every attack this season. The attacks are now happening in the background as an afterthought.

A young Southeast Asian man blows up the bus by pressing a button on his mp3 player. Those new iPhones really can do everything!

6:02 Allelujah! Allelujah! For the first time, a 24 President is actually in the White House! Why isn’t he in Los Angeles? Isn’t that where all Presidents spend most of their time?

And the President is Wayne! This is way too unrealistic. Don’t the writers know that nepotism has never factored into any presidential race? Oh. Right …

Brilliant casting of Peter MacNichol as presidential aide Tom Lennox. Wo, Karen Hayes has since been promoted to National Security Advisor. We’re not wasting any time getting into a good topical debate this year, are we? Internment camps?

6:03 Wayne mentions that he was sworn in as President three months ago, putting us roughly in late April, based on a presumed January 20 inauguration date.

6:04 The White House receives news of the Los Angeles bus bombing in less than four minutes. That was quick. President Palmer reveals that an attack is planned on presumed mastermind Hamri Al-Assad’s hideout. Palmer gravely asserts that the strike better work because, “God knows we’ve paid a steep enough price.” What price?!?!

6:05 Ahhh, there’s nothing to break up chilling suspense than some good old-fashioned CTU bureaucratic banter! Milo (where has he been since Season 1?) and Morris (Chloe’s ex?) butt heads over something unimportant. Let’s hope this Morris guy doesn’t interfere too much with protecting our country.

6:06 Morris cops a feel with Chloe and calls her a “hottie.” Yep, we’re screwed.

6:07 Chloe discovers that the military is planning an attack on Assad … and that Bill and Curtis are retrieving Jack from the Chinese at Ellis Airfield. Yes, this all makes perfect sense.

6:08 Bill instructs Curtis to draw his weapon in case Jack’s state of mind has been altered. Question: When has Jack not been in an altered state of mind? The last time Curtis saw him, Jack elbowed him in the face, put a sleeper hold on him, dragged him out of his CTU 4-Runner and left him unconscious on a sidewalk corner.

6:09 Jesus Christ! (Literally!) Talk about your Christ-figure. He’s got the beard, the hair, the handcuffs, the crucifix. At least I think he was carrying a crucifix, wasn’t he? Original storyboards actually had Jack walking off the plane in blue spandex tights, a red speedo and a cape, but Wardrobe thought this outfit might be a bit more subtle. Once the Chinese handcuff JC, er – JB, Jack gives Cheng Zhi a look that could kill a man.

Cheng, a.k.a. Evil Chinese Dude, informs us that Jack hasn’t spoken a word in “nearly two years” and that the President has paid a high price for his release. What could we have given the Chinese? Hopefully it was Kim. (Good one, Dad.)

6:10 Boy, Bill and Curtis sure do know how to throw a “Welcome Home!” party, don’t they? Hope they’re never promoted to the Armed Forces’ Party Planning Committee. I mean, a desk with a small lamp, a bowl of water, and a shirt from J.C. Penney. How about some balloons and streamers? Ever heard of “cake,” guys? Maybe some party hats? Or a “Welcome Back Jack” iPod playlist featuring all the hot Black Eyed Peas beats Jack’s missed the last two years. Nice, boys. Way to drop the ball.

6:12 This is getting ridiculous. Not only do you not throw a party for Jack, but you tell him that the only reason you rescued from the Chinese was to hand him over to a Muslim extremist to die? Bill asks Jack to “sacrifice” himself. Then we see scars all over his bruised back. Man, the Chinese never tortured Jesus like this!

6:20 Karen and Bill tell each other how much they miss each other. She’s got a ring on her finger. Guess their little get together after Season 5 led to more than a date at Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast. Could have done without some of this dialogue though …

KAREN: I miss you too, sweetypoo.
BILL: Not as much as I miss you.
KAREN: Nope, I miss you more.
BILL: Well, I miss you to infinity.
KAREN: I’m not hanging up first.
BILL: No, you hang up first.
KAREN: No, you first.
BILL: No, you first.
KAREN: No, you first.

Guys, we are running out of time.

FOX NEWS ALERT! “Southern California Mosque Fire Bombed”

6:21 New CTU #2 Nadia Yassir (hmmm) spills the beans about Jack after Chloe threatens her with her job. Does anyone in CTU ever get along? Turns out Fayed wants Jack dead for killing his brother in Lebanon in 1999. Is there any terrorist on Earth who doesn’t know Jack Bauer or want him dead? (This plot smells a bit too Drazen-ish.)

6:23 Jack is already on the road with a clean shirt, shave and shower less than ten minutes after meeting Bill and Curtis at the airfield. He always has been a (literally) snappy dresser. Jack speaks briefly to President Palmer. Honestly, how many times have the Palmer brothers had to sentence Jack to die?

6:24 President Palmer begins doubting himself (perhaps a character theme developing): “I’m starting to wonder if I’m the right person to lead this country.”

Tom Lennox spells out the Christ reference for viewers: “Bauer has to be sacrificed so this country can survive.” Got it. Thanks.

6:26 EDITING ROOM MISTAKE! President Palmer views a monitor that reads “47 Dead In Chicago Hotel Bombing” – an attack that doesn’t take place for almost another hour and a half. Extremely poor job by the Edit Room, especially on a show that prides itself on that sort of minutiae.

6:27 Tom second-guesses the President, setting up detention centers in L.A., Philly, and Detroit. Thirty minutes in, the writers are already working on their second recycled plot. This sounds an awful lot like Season 2 when Eric Rayburn begins plans for retaliation against the Middle East after David Palmer specifically instructed him not to.

6:28 Bill and Curtis handcuff Jack to a sewer grate. Bill further burnishes his credentials as the show’s best character add of Season 4 as he calls Fayed a “son of a bitch.”

Jack really wants to die. Jack’s brief soliloquy is great too. “Don’t you understand the difference between dying for something nothing and dying for something? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn’t want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something. My way, my choice. To be honest with you, it’ll be a relief.” See, he’s Jesus! Get it? (Sigh.)

6:36 I guess this was inevitable. I’ve never been a fan of these (seemingly) peripheral subplots that inevitably weave their way into the primary storyline. It’s difficult to write these because any seasoned 24 viewer can immediately spot out what’s happening. The writers wouldn’t be introducing these characters if they didn’t have something to do with the day’s events, so it’s an awkward way to introduce them because you know a “twist” is coming. Season 2 gave us Reza and the Warners. Season 4 was Behrooz and his evil parents. Now this …

6:38 The writers are killing me now. It only took them 38 minutes to introduce this season’s “Innocent Kid In Danger” character. I’m pretty certain this is a new record. The dad stops Scott from running outside and goes to protect Ahmed himself, which can only mean one thing. Ahmed is definitely a terrorist.

6:41 Morris and Chloe manage to almost screw up the deal for Assad by tracking his location on satellite. Seriously, how has Chloe not been fired yet for everything she’s done?

6:43 Nadia speaks Arabic to Fayed. Which can only mean one thing. She’s definitely a mole.

6:45 How the hell has Bill already heard what Chloe did – right as he walks in the door?

6:52 Bill is really getting the business from his wife for Chloe’s actions. Man, Bill really needs to get his old lady off his back.

6:54 The show features its first obligatory torture scene of the season. After two years in a Chinese prison, there’s no place like home, right Jack?

6:57 Fayed reveals that CTU is about to kill the wrong man. That Assad isn’t behind the attacks. That he’s come there to stop them. That he’s come there to stop … Fayed. And that Jack will die for nothing. As Fayed prepares to cut off one of Jack’s fingers, Jack reflects on how he may have made a poor career choice.

6:58 Fayed is interrupted by an urgent phone call … from Ahmed. What a shocker. Apparently Behrooz, er Ahmed, has a package for Marwan, er Fayed.

6:59 Jack goes all Le Stat on us, as he rips out the guard’s jugular by taking a bite out of his neck, spitting it out, and wiping the blood from his mouth. Yep. Just like Jesus.

6:59:58 … 6:59:59 … 7:00:00