8:00 PM - 9:00 PM "RAIN MAN STARTS WORLD WAR III"

8:03 Bill tells Jack about Daniels’ plan to nuke the Middle East. Jack blatantly spells the crisis out for some of the show’s slower viewers: “What’s he trying to do? Start World War III?” Thanks for that, Jack.

8:04 Fayed jams a gun into Gredenko’s neck. Gee, I did not see this coming. Gredenko calls New Random Character to download new security protocols.

8:06 Turns out New Random Character Mark Hauser is using his autistic brother Brady to help Gredenko carry out a large-scale nuclear attack. Congratulations, Mark! You’ve won a nonrefundable one-way ticket to Hell!

8:07 We rejoin CTU, where Milo continues sullenly staring at Nadia’s holding cell on his monitor. Honestly, there are two suitcase nukes out there somewhere. Isn’t there something better for him to do?

He remains incredulous about Nadia’s involvement in the plot. True, Milo. Why would you have any reason to believe someone inside CTU is a mole? After all, you did work there during Day One when both Jamie and Nina were exposed as traitors. But Nadia? No way …

8:08 Chloe intercepts the call between Gredenko and Mark and announces that they “may have caught a break.” They always do.

8:09 After stripping data from the drone pilot’s hard drive, Random Character #2 Johnson discovers an access module that probably compromised Nadia’s computer. Johnson covers Doyle’s ass and hands him the chip because of a favor he did for him in Denver. Thus begins Random Denver Subplot.

8:14 Sandra says to Karen, “I can’t believe this is happening. It doesn’t feel real.” You’re telling me. None of this season has felt real. But she goes ahead and agrees to rouse Wayne from his coma.

8:17 After learning that President Palmer is being roused from his coma, Daniels calls Dr. Welton to threaten him and hold him accountable should Wayne die.

8:21 Jack checks his Sprint Picture Mail to get a positive ID on Mark Hauser before initiating the assault. Shouldn’t CTU be using a better service than Sprint? Then again, didn't they discover Fayed on Ask Jeeves.

8:23 After shooting Mark in the back of the kneecap, Jack shows his soft side as Brady tells him that he was getting through a firewall to set up a proxy server post to get security specs for the Edgemont Nuclear Power Plant. It’s no wonder Jack is so good with retards. He had plenty of experience raising Kim.

8:31 Mark is taken to the hospital. Why not take him to the CTU Clinic? Wouldn’t he be safer there? Oh. Right …

8:33 Milo runs into Random Character #2 Johnson at CTU and mentions that they crossed paths in Denver. Johnson rats out Doyle about the chip, but Doyle has already handed the chip over to Morris to process, in the most convoluted and unnecessary twist in series history. Doyle tells Johnson that he’s “screwed with the wrong guy for the last time.” And so goes Random Denver Subplot …

8:38 Bill comes in to release Nadia as the music that used to play at the end of every Full House episode starts up. “Nadia,” Bill says, “sometimes I guess Muslims really aren’t so bad after all.” Nadia responds, “You’re in big trouble, Mister!” and the two embrace with a collective "Awwwwww" from the studio audience. Roll credits.

8:39 Bill tells Nadia that they need her. You know, he’s right. What would the writers do with Milo for the next nine hours if she leaves? He’s unbearable as it is now. Can you imagine his weepy ass if the Persian Poptart took off?

8:40 Chloe tells Milo that his for Nadia “aren’t exactly a big secret.” True, Chloe. After all, he did gently touch Nadia’s hand three hours ago. He must like her! And who remembers anything about a half-baked love triangle between Chloe, Morris, and Milo in the first four hours of the day? Not me!

8:41 Nadia says to Milo, “You have to admit. This is the not the best place to start a relationship.” Yeah, just look at what happened to Tony and Michelle. And Milo and Nadia, I knew Tony and Michelle. And you two are no Tony and Michelle.

8:42 Karen continues sitting with Sandra and Wayne in the bunker clinic. Just a thought. As National Security Advisor, shouldn’t Karen be sitting in on the Joint Chiefs meeting about nuking the Middle East? Just throwing that out there.

8:43 Wayne starts crashing a s doctors rush in to take care of him. If this ends the same way the Logan plotline did, we won’t know what the hell happened to him until at least the end of the season. (Two hours and counting with nary a mention of Logan being stabbed in the neck.)

8:44 Jack prepares Brady for his meeting with Gredenko. CTU hits Gredenko in the neck with a tranq dart. Gredenko is taken inside the house.

8:53 Brady is taken to the hospital to see his brother and Jack thanks him for everything. Season 7 Guarantee: Brady will be assigned as Jack’s new CTU partner. Hilarity will ensue. Greatest buddy comedy to ever hit the small screen.

8:55 Gredenko recognizes Jack. Doesn’t every terrorist on Earth recognize Jack? Is there one bad guy in the world Jack hasn’t pissed off in some way?

8:56 Lennox interrupts the Joint Chiefs meeting with the news about Gredenko, and that Buchanan is “confident that Bauer is the man for the interrogation.” Yeah, I'll say. I'm pretty confident Jack's the guy for the interrogation alright. Maybe the funniest line of the season. Daniels gives the go-ahead for the nuclear strike anyway. Good God.

8:58 It’s revealed that the submarine has been given orders to stand down … from President Palmer! Mighty quick recovery there, Wayne. Wayne calls Daniels from his hospital bed to explain that he called off the strike and is resuming his duties as Commander in Chief.

8:59 Daniels hangs up and tells the Joint Chiefs that Wayne is not thinking clearly, a result of the attacks on his life. Daniels delivers his most brutally honest, Machiavellian line of the season: “I can’t let him remain in power.” He then declares the President unable to continue his duties and calls for the Attorney General to relieve Wayne of his command – thus making the complete recycling of the Season 2 plotline official!

President doesn’t want to go to war. Vice-President does. Vice-President misuses the 25th Amendment to wrest authority from the President and take the country to war himself. Original stuff, guys. Way to ‘wow’ me …

8:59:58 … 8:59:59 … 9:00:00.

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PRESIDENT PALMER STILL NOT HAPPY ABOUT BEING ASSASSINATED

Dennis Haysbert, 24’s President Palmer, is still bitching about being killed off the show early last season.

And it’s not because his character’s assassination put him out of a job.

No, it’s because he has another low-rated counterterrorism show to promote for CBS. And what better way to grab a headline than to bitch about 24? I don’t hear Carlos Bernard (Tony Almeida) and Reiko Aylesworth (Michelle Dessler) bitching about getting killed off. Then again, they don’t have some shitty new show to plug.

Haysbert had already finished shooting the terribly melodramatic (and slow-motion cheesy) pilot for David Mamet’s The Unit (Tuesdays, 9/8c) when 24 brought him back to kill him off in Season 5’s opening moments.

Haysbert now describes the scene as “the only thing in my career that I ever regretted.”

You've got to be kidding me.

Despite 24’s high weekly body count, Palmer’s death was certainly the toughest for long-time viewers to cope with, along with perhaps Tony, Michelle, Chapelle and Edgar. And that pisses Haysbert off.

“I don’t think any death gives anybody any satisfaction, really, or has any meaning. It was a device, and a device that I didn’t think was necessary.”

First, deaths do give people satisfaction. When Jack murdered Drazen, Henderson, and Nina in cold blood, those were all very satisfying actually. But Palmer's death wasn’t necessary? Right, except for the fact that his character’s assassination has driven much of the past two seasons’ plotlines. Sure, you could argue that the death was gratuitous. But that one moment jolted Season 5 into new dramatic territory and sparked the show’s best season since its first.

Haysbert also claims that he’s no longer comfortable with 24’s “politics,” and enjoys working on The Unit more. Sure he does …

“All [of The Unit’s] stories have a spine of truth,” claims the disgruntled (and dead) ex-President, who noted that his new show makes “pretty subtle statements – some subtle and some not so subtle – about the CIA and FBI.”

You know, that’s great and all, Dennis. But I don’t want subtlety on my counter-terrorist dramas. I want shit blowing up and terrorists getting their nut sacks stapled to their belly buttons. Haysbert apparently disagrees.

“I started to watch it this season, and, you know, I’m just a little disappointed in its direction,” he said.

Well, yeah. Of course you are. We all are. But how could the show ever top last season? It’s still the best f’ing show on television.

“I think the politics has been skewed in a very, very right-wing way,” Haysbert added, pointing to outspokenly conservative executive producer Joel Surnow.

Surnow is a dick. I’ll grant you that much. But the show’s “politics have been skewed in a very, very right-wing way”? Ummmm, how? He obviously hasn’t watched past this season's first four episodes.

The writers have actually gone to great lengths to contradict the virtues of any right-wing philosophy. The Muslim detention camps have proven worthless and even detrimental to the government’s intelligence efforts – as evidenced by Walid’s plotline. The noble President Wayne Palmer has tried collaborating with a wanted terrorist to sway his people’s minds. And the evil Vice President Daniels’ plan to nuke the northern region of a Middle Eastern country at all costs has been portrayed as reckless, dangerous, and immoral. The villains aren’t just Muslims and Russians this season. They are right-wing extremist war hawks trying to push America into World War III. Conservative my ass, Mr. President …

“I’m very pro-military, I’m not pro-war. And I think that’s what [The Unit] is too.”

I’ll tell you what I think "that" is – shameless self-promotion.

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SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

As you may remember from the 6:00-7:00 episode last week, former President Logan reunited with his estranged (and crazy-ass) wife Martha in her southern California bungalow in an attempt to have her convince the Suvarovs to authorize an attack on the Russian consulate in L.A. Martha agreed to help and successfully persuaded the Russian president to allow the offensive. And Monday night’s episode dealt quickly but efficiently with the aftermath of that assault.

Oh, and one more thing. You might also remember something about Martha stabbing her ex-husband in the jugular with a jagged knife, probably severing a vital artery. Last week’s episode ended with the cliffhanger of President Logan going into cardiac arrest as he was being rushed to the hospital.

What would happen next?! Would he die? Would he live? And would he go to Heaven?

As I eagerly anticipated Monday night’s resolution, I watched the “Previously on 24” opening montage.

Vice President Noah Daniels threatens to attack the Ambassador’s nation. Yes!

The Russian Consulate General attempts to kill Jack. Ooooh!

The new head of Field Ops Mike Doyle leads the attack on the Consulate. What a dick …

Dmitri Gredenko gets word that the Americans know his location. He’s screwed!

Jack reveals that Grendeko and Fayed are in Shadow Valley. Yessssss!

And then …

The following takes place between 7:00 PM and 8:00 PM.

Ummmm, did I miss something there? Did they not mention that small detail about President Logan getting stabbed? You know, the plot that kind of took up half of the last week’s episode … They wouldn’t just not mention – Oh my God.

So there I sat for a full hour, watching as minute after minute ticked away, with nary a mention of President Logan and his worsening medical condition. I understand that a suitcase nuke on a drone detonating over San Francisco should require the better part of a full episode, but you can’t just not mention it.

This show was not designed for storylines to cut off abruptly mid-story, only to be picked up again hours later. In fact, that goes against exactly what the series is about. Give me two minutes – just two freaking minutes – of Logan being stabilized as he’s wheeled into the ER. Have Bill at least mention the situation upon Jack’s return. Acknowledge the fact that you just almost killed off Season Five’s Super Villain just mere minutes ago, writers.

Fucking. Un. Believeable.

Instead of doing a nonsensical two-minute comedy routine that culminates in Chloe kissing Morris at CTU in front of Milo, think how those precious seconds could have been better spent.

Simply put, this episode had way too many holes. And probably the biggest hole of any episode in the entire series. And as Grossman so rightly put it, “Smock and I do love filling in holes.”

So I’m taking this occasion to formally announce that Smock and I are immediately forming a search party for the missing President Logan plot from Monday night’s episode. We will leave no stone unturned in our search. Was it misplaced in the writers’ room? Did the producers not want to pay Gregory Itzin for three more minutes of air time for one episode? Or was this plot abducted by Jack’s missing father Phillip – yet another AWOL plotline?

There are so many questions. But I’ll be damned if we don’t get to the bottom of it.

Fuckers.

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7:00 PM - 8:00 PM "EPISODE 14: ATTACK OF THE DRONES"

7:01 Interesting. They haven’t mentioned President Logan yet. I figured they would start with that, seeing as how his going into cardiac arrest was the cliffhanger last week. But I’m sure they’ll get around to it in the first ten minutes.

7:02 I know the sun was up just 3 minutes ago. It must get real dark, real quick in L.A. Jack finds out that he has floating rib fragments that have caused internal bleeding. Right … As if this is going to stop him. The man has saved the world during multiple heart attacks before.

7:03 Bill tells Daniels that the RQ2 unmanned stealth aircraft drones can be piloted from anywhere in the world. Keep that in mind – “anywhere in the world.”

7:04 Gredenko finally fesses up to Fayed about being caught by the Americans. Ooooh, Gredenko is busted. Fayed is not going to like this one bit. Dude has a pretty bad temper. Gredenko goes ahead and orders the first drone to be launched.

7:06 Milo comforts Nadia by gently caressing her Muslim hand. Just a bit of advice. Workplace romance at CTU usually doesn’t end well. Chloe tells Nadia and Milo that she’s discovered Nadia has been logging in under Milo’s user ID. So busted.

7:07 Morris is able to track the drone by satellite, but then loses it. Lousy drunk.

7:09 Daniels asks Lisa to advance the meeting with the Joint Chiefs to draw up a plan for the U.S.’s own nuclear strike. Or as he puts it, he’s not just “rattling his saber.”

7:15 Chloe begins eliminating possible cities as targets. L.A., Santa Barbara and San Diego are each cleared. The only remaining targets are San Francisco, Phoenix, and Las Vegas. Why would anyone want to nuke Vegas? Oh, right ... Celine Dion.

7:16 Why is Bill being such a dick to Jack? “Thanks for saving all our asses again, Jack. Now get to medical.”

7:17 Jack runs into Marilyn. Umm, where is Josh? If you had been through what Marilyn had today, would you let your son out of your sight for a second?

Jack and Marilyn share a tender moment, as she moves in for a kiss. Damn, this chick doesn’t waste any time, does she? Her husband was killed by her father-in-law less than 8 hours ago, and she’s already going in for some tongue action with her brother-in-law. Jack definitely has the kavorka.

But Jack refuses to “rattle his saber” at her, using an excuse I often do – “Before I was taken prisoner by the Chinese …” He then explains that he had been seeing Audrey. And by “seeing Audrey,” he of course means, “those times every two or three years when he would rise from the dead or return from captivity to give her a kiss before disappearing again for another couple of years.” Jack really is a great boyfriend.

7:18 Marilyn tells Jack that Audrey is dead. Of course, not really. She just has a show on ABC.

Turns out she died in a “car accident” a few months ago in China. Boy, Jack is going to kill someone. He runs over to Chloe and hangs her phone up as she’s instructing response teams across the country. Kind of important call there, Jack.

7:19 After asking – more demanding, really – Chloe to dig up Audrey’s file, Jack shoots Bill a look. Why is Bill acting so shady all of a sudden?

7:21 Karen returns and tells Lennox that she’s not interested in playing games. Wait a minute. A government employee on 24 not interested in playing games and instead, actually working together to get something done? There must be some sort of mistake.

7:22 Karen argues that a “nuclear warning shot” will destabilize the entire Middle East. “The moderates will be driven from power. The terrorists’ position will be strengthened in the country and the region. This course of action will be dangerous and reckless.” Oh, 24, you and your far-fetched fantasies that bear no semblance to our own sunny geopolitical reality.

7:28 Milo begins questioning Morris’ competence and sobriety – again – out of nowhere after siding with him the past five hours. Milo asks Chloe to check his breath. Chloe goes up to Morris and plants a big wet one on him. Isn’t there a rule about agents making out in CTU? And shouldn't there be a rule about anyone kissing Morris? Ugh. Can’t these people save the world without making us all sick? Morris “rattles his saber” a little bit and gets back to work.

7:31 Chloe discovers that whoever is piloting the drone is able to anticipate CTU’s repositioning directives, flying through the gaps in the images. It turns out that satellite data is being relayed to the drone pilot from … (wait for it, wait for it) … someone working inside CTU. Cue dramatic music. Who could the mole possibly be? The smart money is on Jack’s nephew / biological son Josh, who has mysteriously disappeared.

7:32 Doyle asks Chloe to trace Nadia’s computer because she’s been tagged as a Muslim agent. Milo gets all up in Doyle’s grill, defending Nadia’s honor. Doyle fires back “Or is it because you’re itching to sleep with her?” That’s ridiculous. Everyone at CTU is itching to “rattle their saber” at this Persian Pop Tart.

7:34 Victor tells Gredenko that the nuke will detonate over San Francisco in 20 minutes. I knew it. That’s what these weed-smokin,’ flower-wearin,’ 'saber-rattlin,' hippies get for their heathen ways.

7:39 Wayne’s doctor tells Karen that a buildup of inter-cranial pressure had to be relieved by inducing a coma. Karen asks to bring Wayne back to consciousness to stop Daniels’ nuclear strike, but she must first get consent from his family, i.e. Sandra. You know what? If stopping the U.S. from bombing the daylights out of the Middle East means having to endure more of Sandra fucking Palmer, let’s just go ahead and start World War III.

7:41 Milo really is in love. Jesus, look at him just sitting there and brooding, watching as Doyle circles her. Morris traces Nadia’s computer to the drone pilot at 1530 Hillcrest – just three blocks away from CTU. So the drone pilot can operate this thing from “anywhere in the world” – remember? – and they chose a building three blocks away from CTU. Really fucking stupid.

7:42 Doyle chokes Nadia before being stopped by Milo. But Milo still suspects Nadia is up to something. I really hate to see trouble in paradise for these two lovebirds. Oh, wait. That’s right. I don’t give a shit. Milo and Nadia, you are no Tony and Michelle.

7:44 With his bloodied midsection all bandaged up, Jack studies Audrey’s file. Turns out she was taken hostage and almost murdered in some sort of botched bank robbery with eight other strangers who then formed a unique bond …

7:45 Buchanan authorizes CTU’s first lockdown of the season due to the proximity of the drone pilot. You know what? At this point, shouldn’t CTU just always be on lockdown? We’ve got moles, hostiles, drunks … It’s time to shut it down, people.

Bill then asks Marcy to seal off a perimeter, to which she politely replies, “Yes sir.” First, who's Marcy? Second, doesn't Marcy know that the only agents allowed to speak are Chloe, Bill, Nadia, Morris, and Milo?

7:46 Jack tells Bill that he’s not going to let Audrey die for nothing. When asked why, Jack responds, “I’m going to finish this, and when I do, I’m going to track down the people responsible for her murder, and I’m going to take care of them too.” He could have just said “Because we need a plot for our summer movie, and we need it now!”

I think Bill has finally given up. Jack is suffering from a critical injury, and Bill’s just like, “Sure, Jack. Broken ribs. Internal bleeding. You seem like the right guy to take point on the mission to save all of San Francisco. Go get em, buddy!”

7:52 Jack, Doyle and the team approach the building. As one of the hostiles exits the building, Jack just shoots him in cold blood. Now … I know the guy was bad. But how did Jack? He just shot this fucker with no identification.

7:53 Jack and the team move in on the drone pilot and take him down. Jack takes the controls of the drone and starts flying it like he’s playing fucking Computer Space. Sure, Jack, just like an arcade …

7:54 Jack barely avoids crossing the perimeter but needs space to land. How about the interstate, Jack? I mean, you did land a 747 on an L.A. freeway last season.

7:56 The drone crashes onto a dock and catches fire, but the bomb’s core is compromised, leaking radiation all over the dock. Where’s George Mason when you need him to fly a nuclear bomb over the Mojave?

7:58 Bill calls in to the Vice President to give him the good news – ya know, that San Francisco hasn’t been obliterated. But because of the radioactive spill, Daniels considers it a dirty bomb attack, and orders the nuclear submarine into position. The nuclear strike will take place within the hour.

Jesus. Daniels makes Vice President Jim Prescott look like Mother Teresa.

Oh, and remember that plot that took up ¾ of last week’s episode involving Martha stabbing President Logan, who went into cardiac arrest at the end of the episode? Yeah … no mention of that at all tonight. Bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

7:59:58 … 7:59:59 … 8:00:00.

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6:00 PM - 7:00 PM "IT'S JUST WORLD WAR III! WHAT'S THE RUSSIA?"

6:02 President Logan arrives at CTU and is greeted by the obligatory awkward glances and stares from CTU employees. Any time someone returns from the dead (Jack) or prison (Nina), they must take the CTU Walk of Shame.

6:03 Chloe enters Logan’s holding cell to set the transcript codes for the debrief. She introduces herself. “I’m just Chloe O’Brien. I’m feeling a little ambivalent.” Classic Chloe.

6:04 Bill introduces the team to Agent Mike Doyle, the new head of Field Ops. Obviously Milo and Doyle have a history. I mean, why wouldn’t they butt heads? Does anyone at CTU ever like each other? Can you imagine this place’s Christmas parties? Cue awkward standing around and brooding. “So, nice job uploading those vectors during that whole suitcase nuke thing. Who’s up for some eggnog?”

6:05 Vasili kicks Jack down a flight of stairs at the Consulate. That tumble must have broken his ribs. While Vasili hesitates to kill him and chats it up with Markov, Jack pulls the dead dude’s belt off and snaps the gun from his hand. Jack is now being cornered in the Russian consulate. But he always finds a good ventilation system to hide in when he needs one.

6:06 As Jack is calling Morris to give him in the info, Markov shuts down the DSL and phone lines. Jack decides to set the mood by dimming the lights in the Consulate.

6:08 Logan tries to help Bill with the Russian Consulate situation and suggests that Martha call the Suvarovs because of her close relationship with them. Bill mentions that she’s been “institutionalized.” Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

6:10 Saucy Aussie that he is, Morris gives Doyle a little lip. Doyle does what every character and viewer has wanted to do all season -- chokes Morris. Wow, Doyle is such a dick. And Ricky Schroder should cut his hair if he wants to be taken seriously as a CTU agent. And when did Schroder age so much? Are those wrinkles? I guess working with a blowhard like Dennis Franz for two years will do that to you.

6:11 Milo defends Morris and effectively ends their pissing match over who Chloe likes seeing movies with more. And starts a new one with Doyle.

6:12 Vice President Daniels meets with Lennox. Lennox agrees that the priority is to protect the country and will look the other way regarding the assassination plot – to a point. Lennox wants Reed and Carson prosecuted afterward. I knew I would wind up liking Lennox. But Daniels asks him to lie to the Ambassador about Assad’s involvement in the assassination. Sheesh! Where did the writers ever come up with the idea that Vice-Presidents are such pure evil? I mean, that’s … just … ridiculous.

6:15 Daniels tells Tom that he’s going to threaten the Ambassador’s Muslim Country X with a nuclear attack.

6:20 TIME CHECK! Fayed finally arrives in Shadow Valley with Gredenko. Fayed left L.A. at 2:00 in the afternoon and arrives approximately four hours later. Gredenko left L.A. at 3:30 and arrived at 4:15 – in 45 minutes. So it takes one guy four hours and another 45 minutes? Did I miss something? Did Gredenko take a chopper? Anyway, Fayed tells Gredenko to begin arming the bombs.

6:22 Aaron Pierce arrives at Meadowcreek, a private retreat for the wealthy undergoing emotional convalescence, to visit Martha. He’s picked up some raspberries, blackberries and kiwis from Mel’s. Martha seductively pops one of the raspberries into Aaron’s mouth. Hot raspberry action on 24? Totally not cool.

6:23 Logan calls and Aaron picks up, answering “Martha Logan’s Bungalow.” Man, I wish I lived in a bungalow. But that doesn’t mean I can’t start answering my phone “Johnny’s Bungalow.”

6:24 Gee, this is kinda awkward, seeing as how Logan killed Aaron’s former boss President Palmer, then tried having him killed, and almost killed Martha too. And now Aaron’s dating Martha. “This week on a very special episode of 24 …”

6:25 Even though she helped save the day last year, Martha is a still a major head case. Logan asks Aaron to convince her to see him. Martha stares creepily out the window for dramatic effect.

6:32 Jack is still sneaking around the basement of the Consulate. How has noone found him yet? And these Russians call themselves security guards … Wow, Jack always finds an unsuspecting English-speaking Russian couple when he needs one. How convenient … But seriously dude, is this really a good time to be playing grab ass with your hot Russian girlfriend? I’m half expecting this chick to be Nina when she turns around.

6:33 Just eight minutes after speaking with her from a CTU holding cell, Logan arrives at Martha’s house. That was a quick trip! Aaron refuses to shake Logan’s hands in one of the series’ better snubs.

6:34 Logan greets Martha with “Martha … You look beautiful.” Awwwwwwkward.

6:35 Logan shows her his electronic bracelet and insists that after she helps, he’ll be going back to “prison.” Martha wins the One-Liner of the Night: “A prison? Is that what you call a 10,000 square foot house with a swimming pool and tennis court?”

6:36 Aaron insists she make the call, and Martha says she needs a drink. Great. The one time we could actually use that lousy drunk Morris, he’s nowhere to be found.

6:42 Daniels meets with the Ambassador and threatens to nuke his country because of Assad’s involvement in the assassination attempt, despite Palmer’s previous understanding with him. Give this guy a heart condition and slap a pair of glasses and bald wig on him, and he is Dick Cheney.

6:44 TIME CHECK! Martha waits to make the call because Anya is in the middle of a speech in Russia. Um, in the middle of a speech? At 4:44 in the morning, Moscow time? Do they give public speeches at 4:44 in the morning in Russia? Moscow is ten hours ahead of L.A. Shouldn’t the Suvarovs be in bed? Or maybe be eating breakfast? This pisses me off immensely. Gotcha, 24! Gotcha!

6:45 Martha asks Charles if it bothers him to see her with another man. Martha then begins frantically chopping up a kiwi and gets “stirred up,” calling Logan a murderer. After Logan tells Aaron that he’s happy that Aaron has been there for her, Martha begins throwing kiwi at him. Like a monkey. Hilarious.

6:48 As Martha gets up to walk back to the kitchen, she jams a Cutco knife into Logan’s neck, probably hitting an artery. Gee, Aaron’s Secret Service skills sure are rusty, aren’t they? Didn’t he see that his crazy-ass girlfriend had a sharp knife? Even I saw that! Come on, Aaron! Ever heard of foreshadowing? Geez.

6:53 Logan is rushed out of house on a stretcher as he goes into shock. As Aaron explains what happened, Bill listens calmly before his head explodes from disbelief.

6:54 Martha has been handcuffed. She tells Aaron that she “should be given a medal.” Martha really is one big bowl of crazy, isn’t she? Finally, she speaks with Anya Suvarov by phone and convinces her to speak with President Suvarov.

6:56 Suvarov orders Markov to surrender to the Americans and deliver Jack unharmed. After Markov refuses and hangs up on him, Suvarov authorizes the U.S. attack on his own Consulate with Buchanan.

6:57 Twenty minutes after leaving, the Russian dude finally returns with a phone for Jack. Twenty minutes. Seriously, what the hell took so long? Jack begins dialing just as Russian security guards attack. Almost simultaneously, Buchanan orders the go-ahead. Just as Jack runs out of bullets, Doyle and CTU go in guns blazing. Markov calls Gredenko to warn him that CTU will soon know their location, and he must launch the drones.

6:59 Jack’s father Philip, who’s a fugitive on the loose, has not even been mentioned in two hours. Not once. That really gets my goat.

Logan begins flat lining in the ambulance as he calls out Martha’s name.

They cannot end the show this way.

You. Bastards.

6:59:58 … 6:59:59 … 7:00:00 PM (Los Angeles Time)

4:59:58 … 4:59:59 … 5:00:00 AM (Moscow Time)

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5:00 PM - 6:00 PM "RUSSIA HOUR 3"

5:02 Wayne is rushed into the White House bunker clinic. I wonder what these doctors work on when there’s not an assassination attempt inside the White House? Oh, right. Dick Cheney.

5:03 Logan and Jack get into the limo together. Logan tells Jack that he hasn’t been outside his gates in more than a year and compares it to Jack’s sentence in a Chinese prison. Oh Charles ... you and your inappropriate comparisons …

“I know how it feels to be locked away from the rest of the world. Lonely. The silence. Plays with your sanity. But in that silence, you can hear the voice of your deepest self. And if you listen to that voice, you have a chance to heal.”

What? They didn’t let him watch TV? That usually drowns out most of my deepest self's voice.

5:04 Bill calls about the assassination attempt on Palmer and that, with Assad dead, Jack is following the “only live lead.” Right. The only live lead. I guess Bill just forgot to got after Jack’s dad who’s been MIA for the last hour. Funny how that happens.

5:05 While the doctors play “Operation!” on Wayne, Reed is approached by Secret Service about Lennox’s whereabouts. The cabinet informs VP Daniels about Wayne’s status.

We’re introduced to Secretary of Defense Ethan Kanin, played by the incredible Bob Gunton. Gunton has been in everything the past 15 years. This is why 24 is so good. They allow these great character actors sink their teeth into these meaty roles. Powers Boothe is so good as the VP, and Itzin is so good as Logan. A brief list of other characters I would like updates on before season’s end:

Chief of Staff Mike Novick
Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce
First Lady Martha Logan
Vice President Jim Prescott

5:07 Secretary Kanin asks Reed where Lennox is and asks Secret Service to sweep the bunker.

5:08 Reed refuses to allow Carson to stage Lennox’s suicide and attempts to reason with him before letting him go. “A guilty conscience is a fair price to pay for the survival of this country.”

5:11 Lennox grows some balls and dicks over Reed and Carson for their role in Palmer’s assassination. Atta boy!

5:16 Daniels arrives in Washington and calls Buchanan. Bill puts down his Us magazine long enough to take the call. Daniels immediately begins questioning Palmer’s decision to grant Logan a furlough. Oh geez, here we go with the bureaucratic shuffling.

5:18 Logan tries to convince Jack that he’s not up to anything by asking him if he thinks he’ll ask for asylum. “If it’s any comfort, I don’t think the Russians would take me.” I really love Logan. He’s so bad, he’s good. I really hope they don’t kill him off somehow.

5:19 Logan asks Markov where Gredenko is and turns down a cigar. Apparently he gave them up when he stopped being an evil world leader. Logan threatens to blackmail Markov with his involvement in the Sentox gas attacks of two years ago, but Markov doesn’t take the bait.

5:22 Markov calls Gredenko to warn him that the U.S. knows about his involvement. Gredenko is worried because the Russians have been exposed. So the Russians still are pure evil … A ha!

5:24 Not thirty seconds out of the gate, Jack decides he needs to break into the Russian Consulate and torture the Russian Consul. I mean, sure, it could mean World War III if the Consul knows nothing, but what the hell? Why not give it a shot?

President Logan seems shocked that Jack would even consider holding a Russian Consul hostage. “Are you going back in there? Jack, you just spent nearly two years in a Chinese prison because you violated the sovereignty of their consulate! Now you plan to go back into the Russian Consulate and take a chance on that happening again?” Thanks for the Season 4 Recap there, Commander-in-Obvious. Why wouldn’t Jack do this? He held you, the leader of the free world, hostage with a gun to your head. And you were his own president. Death Wish Jack is back, baby!

5:29 Sprint gets a gratuitous 5-second shot of a Fox News mobile update. Karen is actually still sitting in Washington waiting for a plane. I thought the President had arranged her to fly a military aircraft. Not JetBlue.

But for once this season, the writers actually do some realistic clock management. Even if it is just to create more bureaucratic turmoil in the bunker with Daniels. But I was sure Karen would have arrived in Los Angeles by now.

5:33 Daniels questions Lennox about Assad’s involvement in the assassination attempt. He then makes a statement so contradictory, Dick Cheney himself could have said it: “Until I have all the facts, I am not about to tell them that Hamri al-Assad is innocent in this.” How does that make any sense at all? If you don’t have all the facts, then how can he be guilty of anything? Daniels is killing me.

5:35 Jack scales a wall and breaks into Russian territory. Question: Even if Jack does speak Russian, how would this guard just fall for that? Shouldn’t he know all the security team members? Oh, you gullible Russians …

5:36 Chloe cuts off the power in the Russian Consulate for 60 seconds. Chloe really is a zombie, isn’t she? She’ll just do whatever Jack asks her to with no questions asked. Can you even count the number of war crimes Chloe has committed to help Jack in a pickle? She should have been tried and convicted many times over for her stunts. Jack enters Markov’s office and informs Russian agents that he’s taken the Consul hostage. Jack then calls CTU and asks for Buchanan. Just curious … Shouldn’t Jack have Bill’s direct line by now?

5:37 Bill tells Jack to stand down. Jack responds by telling Bill to call the White House. Bill shakes his head and calls Daniels. Bill hangs a sign around his neck that reads "Jack’s Bitch."

5:43 Daniels’ evil blond assistant Lisa Miller (who appeared on Studio 60 two weeks ago as a sexual harassment lawyer) tells the VP that he’ll be going live in approximately ten minutes.

5:45 Daniels laughs when he hears that Bauer is holding the Russian Consul hostage. President Suvarov phones Daniels about the situation. He tells Daniels that Russia will be forced to make severe diplomatic actions should Jack not surrender immediately. Cut to: Jack knocking Markov’s lights out.

5:47 Markov slips up and mentions that he hasn’t spoken to Gredenko since he arrived in the U.S. Jack decides to cut off his pinky finger with a cigar cutter.

5:48 Markov finally breaks and gives up Jack Gredneko’s location and plan. Gredenko will help Fayed launch aerial drones to deliver the nukes in Shadow Valley. The bombs will be in the air in two hours.

5:49 Satisfied with the information, Jack starts walking to the door without first calling CTU! Where the hell does he think he’s going? Is he just going to walk out and calmly explain everything to the Russians, whose Consulate he just invaded? They blast the door open, knocking Jack back on his ass, and capture him.

5:53 Daniels makes his statement and once again evokes the show’s most overused phrase. “This is the price of war. Make no mistake. This is exactly what this is.” Make no mistake? How would I have made a mistake?

5:54 I suddenly realize why this episode has been so good. Nadia, Morris and Chloe are just speaking to each other for the first time! Milo’s been out of commission for hours. Nadia hasn’t been on Milo’s ass. Chloe hasn’t been dealing with Morris’ alcohol problem. How refreshing ...

Morris is able to locate one computer inside the Consulate that isn’t properly encrypted with an advanced algorithm and picks up digital shadows of the diplomatic communications to Russia. Hold on, my brain just exploded.

Well, that was lucky … They discover that the Russian officials have Jack in custody. Bill just sits there.

5:55 Bill begins drawing up a plan to break Jack out of the Russian Consulate. Is he serious?

5:56 Jack convinces the guard to call CTU at 310-597-3781 – which happens to be the same number Jack’s father left him to call Charles Logan’s Hidden Valley ranch. Totally fucking lame. They have the budget to blow shit up every episode, but Fox can’t buy another phone number? I called it again today, hoping that maybe Bill Buchanan would answer, "CTU. Buchanan speaking." It’s the same damn Spanish-language recording. It’s bullshit.

5:59 The guard calls CTU, and as Bill answers him, FSB Agent Vasili shoots him in the back … which means that Markov wasn’t the only one involved with Gredenko. Seriously.

The first half of Day 6 comes to a close.

Holy.

Shit.

5:59:58 … 5:59:59 … 6:00:00.

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24: Aqua Teen Hunger Force

When terrorists posted Aqua Teen Hunger Force lite-brights all over Boston last month, the public didn't know what they were up against. Good thing CTU did.

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