I'm Gonna Need a Hacksaw: January 2007

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

BAUER POWER HOUR

Do you like 24?

Do you like drinking?

Of course you do!

Well then, Professor Thoms is just the bar for you! Last night, the bar held its third Jack Bauer Power Hour, and it was, according to the site "as scandalous as Karen Hayes' tendering her resignation."

This sounds like quite a deal. 'Jack' specials the whole show, shots on the house every time Jack kills somebody, and Nuclear Sake Bombs if Jack's dad or brother dies, Jack makes out with his brother's wife, or if the President fires Tom.

Needless to say, with the total lack of excitement, and zero Bauer kill count last night, Professor Thoms was laughing all the way to the bank.

None of this means you can't play along at home however.

Do I like 24? Yes! Do I like drinking alone? Heavily? Of course. This Bauer Power Hour might not be so bad after all.

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM "THIS SHOW HAS GONE OVER-BORED"

11:02 Karen and Lennox resume their spirited debate on American civil liberties. It’s been six hours. This plot has not moved forward one inch since the day’s first minute. Something’s gotta give.

11:03 What’s Chad Lowe doing in the White House bunker? Ahhh, Lennox’s right hand man, Reed Pollock …

11:05 Nadia complains to Bill about the clearance restrictions placed on Muslim CTU agents. Bill refuses to grant her an exception. Nadia sulks. Which can mean only one thing: She’s totally a mole.

11:06 Graem starts crying like a little baby after Jack removes the plastic bag from his head. It must have been real fun growing up with Jack as a brother. “Give me your Halloween candy, or I’ll stuff this plastic bag over your head.” “I called shotgun, Graem! You probably don’t think I can stuff this towel down your throat, but I can.” Jesus, Jack. Lighten up. It’s your brother. All he did was put tens of millions of people in danger.

11:09 Jack and Graem take a road trip to McCarthy’s headquarters in Simi Valley.

11:16 Shockingly, Jack and Graem haven’t arrived there yet. I thought it took 7 minutes to get everywhere in L.A.

Graem talks to Jack about family loyalty. Jack responds to Graem with, "If I were you, I wouldn't talk about loyalty." Graem totally banged Jack's girlfriend before he married Teri.

11:17 Fayed calls McCarthy and his annoying girlfriend Rita (who reminds me way too much of Kim) to ask about the new triggerman. So Fayed’s plan rests on the eccentricities of a saucy Aussie? Ehhhh …

11:19 Morris gets fussy with Nadia because she’s “backed up” with the clearance restrictions. Milo asks Buchanan about the problem, and Bill tells him about the Muslim agent background checks. Milo reveals that Nadia’s a registered Republican. Which can mean only one thing: She’s totally a mole.

11:22 Walid asks his new terrorist detainee friends about the other four nukes. They know nothing. Worthless.

11:23 Lennox blackmails Karen and demands her resignation. Karen’s only response? “What are you smoking?” She then promptly decides to resign. Karen is one brilliant in-fighter, isn’t she? Grow some balls. Wait a minute. Fighting this would only prolong this tedious debate and bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo. Just resign already.

11:31 Jack and Graem arrive at McCarthy’s building in Simi Valley in roughly 20 minutes. They break into McCarthy’s office, where Jack discovers James Cromwell hiding with two hit men. Dear old Dad didn’t report the stolen nukes because he didn’t want to see his boy Grae go to prison.

11:33 Karen quits like the loser she is. Wayne insists she stay on so that he has different points of view from his advisors. Wayne is so much like President Bush, it’s frightening.

Palmer is ordering military transport for Karen to CTU Los Angeles. I believe D.C. to L.A. is roughly 5 hours. So I guess she'll be getting there by about 2:00pm.

11:36 Reed realizes Karen is out as National Security Advisor. MacNichol’s delivery is so good: “Thank .. you.”

11:40 Walid is instructed to steal the phone Heydar the Horrible is carrying. And he pick pockets him! When did Walid become such an expert pickpocket? Reminiscent of last year’s ludicrous scene in which Chloe steals Miles’ CTU ID right out of his shirt pocket to escape to Bill’s house.

11:41 Agent Samuel calls CTU and inexplicably knows Chloe on a first-name basis when she picks up. Anyway … I’m sorry, you’re telling me that Heydar hasn’t already realized his phone is missing? He would have his hand on his phone every second. And he doesn’t realize it’s gone yet? Walid is so dead. It's too bad nobody cares …

11:44 Chloe discovers that none of the numbers in Heydar’s phone are connected to terrorists. In fact, the phone’s browser has logged onto a terrorist website where they most likely obtained all their information. How many people actually use the web browser on their cell phone? Oh, that’s right -- nobody. (Except Smock. And Jack. And only 16.4% of Americans, according to Monday’s Wall Street Journal.)

But these dudes are not terrorists. So racial profiling and internment camps don’t work!

11:45 Retard Heydar realizes his phone is missing after 17 minutes. Presumed, and now cleared, terrorists, begin beating the shit out of Walid. Why didn’t this dumb fuck just hand Heydar his phone and tell him he must have dropped it over there? How ridiculous … Sandra Palmer runs in to take care of Walid.

11:51 Question: When did Chloe become Field Ops Coordinator? Isn't that Curtis' jo -- Oh. Right ...

11:55 Question: I’m looking at Phillip Bauer. I’m looking at Jack Bauer. I’m looking at Graem Bauer. Phillip is at least two feet taller than either of them. Is Jack’s mom some sort of bridge-dwelling troll? Where did Papa Bauer’s genes go?

11:56 Graem mentions that Jack never did care for family and brings up Teri’s name. It’s going to be quite an awkward Thanksgiving at the Bauer household once this whole thing blows over.

Phillip finally gives in to Jack and agrees to contact CTU with the information. Graem disagrees and turns on both Jack and his father. Is this supposed to be shocking?

11:57 McCarthy and Rita have checked into a motel. Honestly, who cares?

11:58 Graem’s men lead Jack and his father out of the building past the now dead CTU agents in the parking lot. CTU really needs to start a training program for its Peripheral Agent Characters. They’re always getting murdered and whatnot.

11:59 Graem tells his henchmen to call him when “it’s done” as they load Jack and his father into the back of a van. Doesn’t Graem want to oversee his brother executed? Dude! If your brother can escape Secret Service, the Chinese, and a group of Muslim extremists, what chance do these two pot-bellied rent-a-cops stand against Jack?

SPOILER ALERT: I’ve seen Jack get loaded into the back of a van many times before. Something tells me he’s going to escape. Sorry to ruin that for you. Seriously, put me to sleep already.

11:59:58 ... 11:59:59 ... 12:00:00.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

JACK BAUER HATES 'HEROES'

I’ll be the first to admit it. After sitting through NBC’s upfront last May, my first thought went something like this:“Ha! Heroes? I give it two weeks tops.”

Needless to say, I’m a programming genius.

So I watched the pilot in September and was pleasantly surprised to find that the show had potential. It was certainly intriguing and definitely wasn’t what I had been calling it all summer – “just what NBC needs: another Surface.”

I was drawn by the mystery … the conspiracy … Ali Larter in a thong. What wasn’t to like about this show? By the time November rolled around, NBC was incessantly insisting, “Save the Cheerleader. Save the World.” Well, the Heroes saved the cheerleader – and, I rightly assumed, the world. So what’s left to watch, right? That time-traveling schmuck Hiro, who shrieks like a 9-year-old girl, back at his desk job, bending neither space nor time? Simply put, I decided it was a good time to leave the party.

Now the Heroes have returned – to take on Jack Bauer. On Mondays at 9/8c. And you don’t fuck with Jack Bauer.

Apparently Heroes hasn’t finished discovering all the people who possess amazing powers across the globe. I just crapped my pants with excitement, didn’t you? (Seriously, we don’t need another Hero, okay?)

NBC has even cooked up a new catchphrase for Heroes’ return: “Are you on the list?” No. No, I’m not on the list.

Monday night marked the first battle between Heroes and 24 on Monday nights. 24 has inhabited the 9/8c timeslot since its 2005 Season 4 debut.

And Heroes won the first battle. In fact, the NBC freshman phenom earned a 6.5 rating among adults 18 to 49, compared to 24’s 5.4. 24 was down about 9 percent from last season’s fifth hour. Overall, Heroes scored 14.9 million viewers, while 24 trailed closely behind with 14.47 million.

And even though Prison Break scored its highest rating this season to date at 8/7c, NBC’s Deal or No Deal crushed the return of the Fox serial among 18-49 year-olds. 17.6 million viewers tuned in to watch Howie Friggin’ Mandel, while only 9.9 million watched Prison Break.

If you watched Howie Mandel over Michael Scoffield, I would suggest seeking psychiatric help. If you watched Hiro over Jack Bauer, you’re just a total nerd.

If there's any consolation here, it's that Heroes will probably burn out faster than Lost did. And if these losers think they’ve got a problem with "Skylar," they haven’t met Jack Bauer yet. He doesn't time travel. He doesn't fly. He doesn't even go to the bathroom. But he is going to kick all your candy asses.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

WHY I HATE 24: THE GAME

Let's get a few things straight here. I've never played 24: The Game. The only reason for this is that I do not and have never owned a Playstation 2. I had an Xbox and I couldn't justify buying a video game system just to play a 24 game - even when it was revealed that the game would take place between Seasons 2 and 3 and apparently explain some of the questions raised by Naked Mandy's Handshake O' Death. By all accounts the game had some weird hangups and got a mixed reception. But who cares about the gameplay, it's all about the plot!Thanks to Wikipedia, though, I can find out exactly what was revealed. And now I can pass that info on to you and explain why it enrages me beyond all measure.

5 months after Season 2 some terrorists try to release ricin gas in LA harbor (been there already, though to be fair not at that point in the series), attempt to assassinate VP and acting President Prescott (ditto), use sarin gas on the LA metro (DITTO), use an EMP device (DITTO) to takeover CTU Los Angeles (DITTO) and take Kim Bauer hostage in order to force Jack to do their bidding (I give up in pointing out the retreads that this game plot is lumping together). Jack does bad things for them, eventually rescues Kim, then during another attack Kate Warner is kidnapped and the Governor is almost killed. It turns out that the Governor was working with the terrorist cell and has second thoughts (AHHHHHHH), so they kill him. Then the terrorists take over a military base and start taking nuclear weapons and force Bob Warner to help smuggle them to the Middle East. All is foiled and Kate is rescued.

Jesus. Christ.

Apparently the game also touches on things like the recovery of David Palmer, how Kim started working at CTU (wheee!), how Chloe first showed up (OK, sort of interested), how Jack and Kate's relationship ended up (I thought they dealt with that at the beginning of Season 3?), and how Chase started working as Jack's partner. Some of these would be decent to know. None of the info in here would really bring up anything that could derail great plot lines for future seasons (except that the basics of the plots themselves were used - did the show's writers accidentally leave their top secret plans for the next 5 years laying around?). It's more of some character development or introducing new people and situations that will get introduced in Season 3 anyway.

Oh wait. Except one thing I haven't mentioned. Let's first take a quick trip down memory lane: The time is Day 2 of 24, when shady oil industry people are trying to start a war in the Middle East so their pipeline through Turkey or somewhere can be used for oil instead. When CTU (aka Jack) foiled their plot, the arms dealer who was running the show decided to try plan B to start the war - getting Mandy to kill President Palmer. That man is Max, the German dude on the boat at the end of Day 2.

I'm obsessed with Max. Not just because of the deleted scene in which Nina turned up on his boat. I'm obsessed because I want the show to revisit Max and this conspiracy that was running the oil plot the whole time. He obviously could be connected to the agency that seemed to be handling Nina, etc. I've seen plenty of chances for the writers to work him in during the ensuing seasons. I've waited patiently for this magical link that will bring all these super-organized bad guys together - because there is no way that every guy who takes on CTU has the highest grade weaponry and 15 alternate plans and interlocking plots throughout the course of a day.

But no. Now I know that I will never have satisfaction. Because Max is dead. In the game he hired the guy who tries to kill Prescott. Sounds ... familiar. Then he has Kate Warner kidnapped in order to obtain the nukes so he can sell them or something. And then Jack kills him and he is believed to be dead. Not sure how it wasn't confirmed that he was dead, but I'm not holding out hope.

24: The Game killed my dreams.

PS: In case you were curious, Max is pissed at the US because one of his deals failed when US authorites busted his minions, so his clients killed his family. Ahem.

SEASON 6 PREDICTIONS, PART 2

I can't let Johnny be the only one in the prediction game. He scored decently yesterday afternoon, racking up partial hits on the suitcase nukes still being in LA (for the moment) and that Graem (I refuse to spell it like that ever again. For now on he will be referred to as "Gray" or Evil Bluetooth Guy) would be brought into the equation. Also kudos on Walid being an undercover agent; I'm sure no one else could have possibly predicted that plot line. Seriously Johnny, can you make any more obvious predictions? Will Jack continue to torture people? Will a CTU perimeter be broken? Will Chloe act like a maladjusted 13 year old girl?

Time for the hard-hitting predictions:

While it's possible that some of the remaining four suitcase nukes are destined for LA, I'm going to say that the other nukes will have far reaching destinations. We're still early in the day so there's time to get on a private jet and spread the terror. I'm hoping none of these other ones initially were destined for LA, but now that the first nuke went off in Valencia (who the hell cares about Valencia anyway?) Fayed is going to want to set another one off downtown. If they refuse to spread out their targets I will finally be able to call 24 unrealistic. Everything up until this point has always made perfect sense.
Australian terror connection guy is going to turn to Morris to reprogram their whatever technology for the remaining suitcase nukes. It's not that I think that Morris is a mole or terrorist sympathizer (yet), it's that we already know he does shady work for a quick buck - he practically tattooed this info on his forehead when using his off-the-books satellite to track Jack. Aussie McGee is going to somehow kidnap Chloe and try to force Morris to do the dirty work. Which is also completely unrealistic because who has ever infiltrated CTU and forced a worker to do their evil bidding by using a hostage.
Curtis Manning may be dead, and so far everyone may be glossing over this fact, but face it - a nuke just went off on US soil so there's a lot going on. Give it a few hours before Curtis' only known relative shows up to claim his things and it turns out to be his twin sister Curtisina. Who has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery (at McNamara-Troy perhaps?) and has been busy bulking up so as to enlist in the military. And prefers you call he/she "Curtis". This time, it's personal.

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM "O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?"

10:02 Anchor announces, “The unthinkable has happened. Terrorists have exploded a nuclear bomb on our soil.” Unthinkable? Right … Unless, you “think” about that time four seasons ago – when terrorists exploded a nuclear bomb on our soil. Sure, it was in the Mohave, but that was a REAL nuke – not one of these pussy suitcase nukes.

10:04 Secret Service moves President Palmer and staff into the White House bunker and mention the VP. Who’s the VP? Heller? Novick? Any guesses?

10:05 The bunker is locked down. Karen immediately calls Bill on her phone. Her cell phone. What service does she use? Because it’s not fucking Sprint. She’s using her phone 500 feet underground, and I can’t get a damn signal in my apartment.

10:06 Chloe asks Morris, “Why do people I know keep dying?” Because you work at CTU, dumbass. Did you know where you were applying when you took the job? You’re not exactly making parfaits at TCBY, babe.

10:11 Helicopter has crashed into somebody’s roof after being hit by a shockwave. Awesome. Jack saves one of the pilots before the chopper crashes to the ground in this episode’s obligatory explosion sequence. I swear there must be money in every show’s budget for at least one fiery explosion. That’s the only way to explain this one. Completely unnecessary. And badass.

Jack calls Bill to tell him he’s back in. Because nothing pisses Jack off more than a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles. Four episodes in and he still hasn’t asked someone to find Kim to make sure she’s okay. Good sign for the season.

10:17 RECYCLED PLOT ALERT: One of the Admirals advises Wayne to bomb the living daylights out of every Middle Eastern country following the nuclear blast. Writers treading dangerously close to primary Season 2 plotline.

Lennox earns major points, busting the Admiral’s balls. “The President is talking Admiral. Do not interrupt.”

10:18 Fayed looks ominously toward the back of his van at the four suitcases. Leading me to believe that all four nukes are in L.A. – and not dispersed throughout the country. Totally lame.

By the way … Six seasons. Four attempted presidential assassination attempts. Six nuclear bombs. Two nuclear missiles. One nuclear power plant meltdown. One weaponized virus. 19 canisters of nerve gas. Hasn’t anyone learned by now to get the hell out of L.A.?

10:26 One of Fayed’s associates, a Russian general Dmitri Gredenko, has a contact with Jack’s father Phillip. Is there any way Jack isn’t connected to terrorists?

10:29 Sandra Palmer continues bugging the FBI agents attempting to extract intelligence from the terrorist cell imprisoned in the detention center.

And the Most Annoying New Character of the Season goes to … Sandra Palmer! For your constant nagging, irritating badgering, and tireless efforts to annoy the hell out of both FBI agents and viewers across the country, congratulations Sandra!

SANDRA: Thank you so much, I’m Gonna Need A Hacksaw! I can’t believe this. It’s just a dream come true. To win this award up against such incredible competition like Morris and Milo and Kim. I know she’s not even in this season, but was still nominated anyway, so it’s such an honor. Thank you, thank you. And remember, fight for your rights. Join the ACLU!

10:32 Who is this Sam fellow? Jack seems awfully happy to speak with him. His father’s assistant I guess … And Liddy? Apparently the head of his father’s security. Something tells me this guy doesn’t work for ADT.

10:33 Holy shit. “Graem” is Jack’s brother? But … he … gave him up to the Chinese last year. Talk about your Evil Twin.

My favorite feature on Fox’s 24 website this morning is a Poll Question for viewers:

DID YOU REMEMBER GRAEM FROM SEASON 5?

YES! BLUETOOTH GUY!
NO, WHO IS GRAEM?

10:41 After getting a phone call from Jack, “Gray” informs his wife Marilyn that Jack is still alive. “You weren’t over Jack when we got married.” So Jack was with his wife before Teri? And then Gray lapped up Jack’s sloppy seconds? What a wiener …

10:42 Australian dude Darren McCarthy is working fast and furious to get Fayed a new triggerman and a new detonator for his four other nukes. Picks up his floozy girlfriend on a sidewalk and tells her they’re not leaving L.A. to escape the nuclear fallout. Obviously going for that coveted Boyfriend of the Year Award …

10:50 Nadia tells Bill she believes Assad wants peace. Yeah, a “piece” of her ass maybe. These two are totally in cahoots. He’ll be back. That was way too easy.

10:52 FBI agent tells Sandra, “It’s probably not the best thing you’re here.” No kidding.

10:53 Frightening terrorist dude tells Walid that he doesn’t know Fayed. But they knew about the four other nukes. There’s a connection here. Probably just working through one of Fayed’s men – or Assad? Hmmmm …

10:54 Gray greets Jack with one of the most awkward hugs I’ve ever seen. I guess that’s what happens when your brother steals your girlfriend, tries to have you murdered, and gives you up to the Chinese for dead.

Gray’s blond-haired son comes sauntering in to say hello to “Uncle Jack.” Sure. The kid is so obviously Jack’s the writers might as well have him wear a t-shirt that says “Jack’s Son” with a big yellow smiley face. So Jack impregnated Marilyn, went off to war, was presumed dead during the Drazen mission in Kosovo, Gray moved in, stole her away and married her while she was carrying Jack’s child. Wha wha whaaaaa?

10:56 Jack punches Gray in the nose, ties him up to a chair, and rips out some lamp chords to give him the old electrical shock treatment.

10:58 Wayne sits down in his Oval Office set to deliver his address to the nation. Awesome bunker set overall. I doubt the real White House bunker is this cool. Probably just some card tables and folding chairs.

10:59 Classic Jack Line of the Night:

GRAY: “You’re hurting me.”
JACK: “Trust me, I’m not.”

Ahhhh, the switcheroo. Jack pulls the ole plastic bag trick. Creepy. Creepy cool.

10:59:58 … 10:59:59 … 11:00:00

Monday, January 22, 2007

SEASON 6 PREDICTIONS, PART 1

Four hours down, twenty to go. Tonight, 24 begins its long, arduaous slog toward May’s final hours of Day 6. After a four-episode blast last weekend (where we covered a sixth of the season in just two nights), "10:00-11:00" carries the extra burden of not only keeping up the pace of viewer expectations, but also advancing the storyline in a quarter of the time of the “premiere.”

Last week’s nuclear explosion and Jack’s emotional implosion left a lot of questions to be answered tonight and this season. Here now are some predictions on how the rest of Season 6 may play out …*

There is at least one more suitcase nuke in L.A. The other three will hopefully be located in New York, Washington, and Chicago. If there isn’t another nuke in L.A., I don’t know how else the writers would drive the CTU storyline other than to simply pursue and capture Fayed. This raises the disappointing possibility that all four of the remaining nukes are located in L.A. – which would just be lame.
Jack really is done with CTU – for now. Having just shot Curtis to death and witnessed a nuclear explosion in Valencia (which hopefully killed Kim), Jack has no reason to return to CTU, other than to help track down and prevent the detonation of yet another nuke in L.A. But I have a good feeling that after he saves L.A. (yet again), he’ll be done with CTU for good. This would allow Jack to do what he really wants now: track down and bring to justice Graham (Paul McCrane) and various other bad guys who gave him up to the Chinese. This would also give the writers a way to weave both President Logan, Martha, and Aaron back into the storyline.
Assad will turn on everyone and re-assume control of his terrorist cell. After being harassed and unfairly interrogated by CTU (after getting his presidential pardon no less), he will patiently assist CTU in taking out Fayed and then re-establish his control over the terrorists. Helping Jack and CTU now is only a ploy in a brilliant power play to take back control of a group Fayed wrestled away from him. Plus, makes for a great, unpredictable twist.
National Security Advisor Karen Hayes will be put in danger. If we’ve learned anything from 24, it’s that spouses and children of primary characters are almost always the villains’ main targets on this show. Teri and Kim, Kate, Audrey, Michelle, and Tony were all placed in harm’s way at some point, so it figures that Karen will eventually be on the hit list of presidential aide Tom Lennox. They’ve already butted heads over the detention camps, and if Karen has seen Season 2, she’ll know that you never threaten a backstabbing presidential aide on this show. Just ask David Palmer’s chief aide Lynne Kresge. Oh wait, you can’t. Because she was pushed down a flight of stairs and paralyzed. Watch your back, Karen. Lennox is obviously no good.
Walid al-Rezani will serve as the writers’ token Good Muslim Character. He will no doubt uncover some sinister plot inside the detention camp, which will relate to the other nuke inside L.A. I doubt he’ll turn out to be a villain. The show needs one Muslim good guy. But if he does, Fox better go ahead and hire an entire law firm to handle just this one show. That would be a terrible, albeit hilarious, slap in the face to the Muslim community already bitching about the show’s current storyline and characters.

There you have it. Feel free to share any predictions of your own. Not really going out on a limb with these too much, but I’d love to hear your guesses as to where this season is headed.

* Keep in mind that these are simply predictions and include NO SPOILERS. Any resemblance these predictions may have to future twists and storylines is completely coincidental and may be attributed to my mind-blowing 24 knowledge, developed over five seasons of obsessively watching the show. (I’ve actually watched each season at least three times.)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

MUSLIMS FEAR BACKLASH FOR NUKING L.A. (ON A TV SHOW)

If watching 24 taught me anything last weekend, it was this: That God hates Jack Bauer. Oh, and that all Muslims are evil.

As has been reported in numerous stories, the Muslim community is exploding (no pun intended) over last weekend’s premiere. And the groups have a point. It really is insensitive and irresponsible to portray Muslim extremists as terrorists. Honestly, when was the last time a terrorist turned out to be of Arab descent?! Outrageous!

The writers should get back to creating the gritty and realistic villains of previous seasons – like vengeful Serbs, big oil tycoons, Mexican drug lords, disgruntled British agents, Russian separatists, and the President of the United States. I don’t know who cooked up this wacky “Arab terrorist” notion, but whoever it was has quite an active imagination.

While we’re at it, I would also like to join the Muslim community in voicing my displeasure with the depiction of “terrorists” in the Back to the Future trilogy. Not only is the idea that Muslims would ever murder “Doc” ludicrous, but it’s rather common knowledge that Islamic fundamentalists are, in fact, fervent supporters of time traveling and the flux capacitor.

Indeed, a spokeswoman for an L.A.-based public affairs council is worried about the negative message the show is sending about Muslims. “I’m concerned about the image it ingrains in the minds of the American public and the American government.”

Another image concerning the group? The fiery collapse of the twin towers.

Seriously, they’ve even portrayed Kumar as a terrorist. And we all know that Kumar is not a terrorist.

You’ve really jumped the shark this time, 24.

THE 24 HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE

Television isn't just about mindless entertainment. The broadcast networks have a responsibility to the American people to educate and enlighten as well as entertain in return for being able to use the public airwaves. And since Fox clearly isn't living up to their end of the bargain with their news department, the head honchos tapped 24 to do the job. This feature will attempt to chronicle the show's heroic efforts put forth over the years.

Since the Day 6 premiere there's been a lot of talk about how people watching the show might confuse it with reality and decide to go get their vigilante on against some innocent Muslim Americans. I too often confuse 24 with reality, with mixed results.

Lessons learned:

Never trust your boss. This has been stressed repeatedly and I've taken it to heart. The last time my boss tried to make me work on a Saturday, I lured him into the closest data center and knocked him over the head with a monitor. It gave me enough time to uncover a massive plot to cut my salary, which I averted in the nick of time
Use heroin. This has been one of the most life-altering lessons I've received from this show. Since I started using, my fiery and unpredictable temper has led me to great new heights both on and off the job and has given me a character flaw from which I can derive much angst and conflict. If our first line of defense against terrorists can be using with no repercussions then why should I be exempt?
Learn martial arts. You never know when the family that your girlfriend babysits for might have an abusive father who will track you down as mercilessly as Rob Patrick as you try and spring his daughter from a hospital before a nuke goes off and takes out LA with it. How silly would you feel if you couldn't roundhouse his ass into a tree and make your escape? Now maybe I should learn how to not be a pussy and get trapped in a car crash resulting in my leg being amputated....

Stay tuned, more to come...

JACK TORTURES NIELSEN COMPETITION

24's two-hour Season 6 premiere averaged 15.7 million viewers Sunday night, up against stiff competition from CBS' overrun of the AFC Divisional Playoff between the Patriots and Chargers, which was watched by 35 million viewers, or as I like to call them, traitors to Jack Bauer and the United States government.

The rating was slightly down from the 16.3 million viewers that tuned in for last year's Season 5 debut - but to be fair, that premiere benefited from Fox's NFC Divisional Playoff lead-in ... and Jack was, after all, rising from the dead.

24 actually built its audience in Sunday night's second hour (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM), up against ABC's Desperate Housewives, which managed just 16.7 million viewers - its lowest score ever for a first-run episode. Looks like Jack Bauer just put another bullet in Mary Alice's head.

Monday night's two-hour premiere event held steady with, presumably, the same 15.7 million viewers tuning back in to see Jack murder Curtis and terrorists nuke Valencia. In fact, the rating improved on last year's Monday night premiere, which scored only 14.9 million viewers for the resolution of the Ontario Airport hostage crisis.

24's spectacular 5.9 18-49 rating came despite an improved showing from NBC's Golden Globes broadcast, which won the night with 20 million viewers watching Warren Beatty give a three-hour acceptance speech.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

KIEFER IMITATES THE CHINESE

I might be a little late to the party with this one - I was knocked into a coma after having to deal with Curtis getting shot in the neck and then having a suitcase nuke go off in LA (so wait, can a character on this show please explain to me what a suitcase nuke is in more elementary terms than Karen already did to Wayne? If the President of the f-ing US doesn't understand what a suitcase nuke is, we might as well all just give up) so I haven't been too up on the latest happenings.

Anyway, apparently Kiefer channeled his inner 10 year old (aka he got drunk again) and slowly tortured the only prototype of a Jack Bauer action figure with fire over the course of a night out. Damn you Kiefer, Johnny hasn't had a creepy piece of plastic to sleep with for the past 2 years because of you (well, a creepy piece of plastic in the shape of Jack Bauer. The Bono doll would beg to differ).

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

9:00 AM – 10:00 AM “DON’T WORRY, CURTIS, I’M SURE IT’S JUST A FLESH WOUND”

9:03 Bill starts yelling at everyone in CTU after they lose their only lead to Fayed. “We have to do better than we’re doing, and we have to do it faster!” Bill’s starting to become unhinged. It’s only a matter of hours before Division sends someone to CTU to take over in a power struggle. Bureaucratic baloney.

9:04 Speaking of bureaucratic bullshit, Morris and Milo need to put their vaginas away and get back to work finding this bomb.

9:07 President Palmer asks Jack to head up the manhunt for Fayed. Welcome home, Jack!

9:08 Jack tells Curtis that there better not be a problem between him and Fayed. Because Jack really is the authority when it comes to taking the law into your own hands and bringing criminals to justice. He never murdered Drazen or Nina or Henderson – in cold blood. No. Not at all.

9:09 Namir arrives at Fayed’s compound – just 10 minutes after escaping the terrorist detention facility! Fayed actually tells him, “I was worried.” Good point, Fayed. I mean, everyone else gets wherever they need to go in 5 minutes on this show now. What took him so fucking long? 10 minutes?? Seriously, didn't he fly his magic jetpack across the city?

9:11 Just like last season, Sean Callery is really bringing his A-game with the music this year. When Jillian Wallace leaves Scott and Ahmed at the house, the music just really kicks in. Badass.

9:19 Morris and Milo keep crossing swords. Oh, we’re finally getting an explanation. Chloe explains that she went on a few dates with Milo, and that Morris is simply insecure about their relationship. Thanks. Seriously, I don’t have the patience for this garbage anymore. So now we have a boring and unappealing love triangle on our hands. So the country’s security is dependent on two losers’ insecurities about a few bad movies Milo and Chloe saw three years ago. Perfect.

9:22 President Palmer, Karen, and Tom meet with the ambassador from Arab Country X. He tells them that he thinks Assad is truly trying to change his ways. Wayne shouts out, “Good enough for us! Let’s give him a pardon!” Whaaaaaaa?

9:26 Peter MacNicol is so good in this role. When debating Sandra about civil liberty violations, he delivers the Line of the Night: “You have a splendid Law Review article there.”

9:28 Walid stumbles onto two plotting terrorists inside the Arab detention camp. So racial profiling and internment camps do work!

9:38 I love how quickly they draw up pardons for terrorists on this show. There must be a cabinet position responsible for just drawing these things up all day. So Assad gets to walk. I bet Curtis won’t like this.

9:48 Chloe has no problems repositioning the satellite to monitor Fayed’s compound. Guess the satellite’s working fine again.

9:50 I must have missed something. How did Sandra get back inside the detention facility to speak with Walid? Wasn’t she kicked out by the FBI?

9:54 Chloe calls Jack and reveals Curtis’ beef with Assad. Apparently three years ago, Assad took Jack to some movies, and Curtis feels threatened by Jack and Assad’s relationship. Or something like that.

9:56 Jack orders Curtis to holster his weapon. Curtis refuses. Jack kills Curtis. Holy shit. Holy shit. Of course, Tony survived the same shot to his jugular three years ago. In fact, he was back up and walking around in just a couple of hours. So I’m sure Curtis will be just …

9:57 Nope, he’s dead.

Jack starts crying and vomiting. Seriously, Jack just needs to kill himself at this point. There’s no other solution. This is just a continuation from the end of Season 3 when he tried to get out of CTU the first time. No amount of therapy could cure this poor bastard. He tells Bill that he’s done. I believe him.

9:58 The team moves in on Fayed’s compound to retrieve the suitcase nuke. Same old 24. They’re just going to stop it like they alwa –

HOLY SHIT.

Speechless.

Did they just set off a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles?

I think they just set off a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles.

So many questions. So many questions. Best 10 minutes of television I’ve seen all year.

9:59:58 … 9:59:59 … 10:00:00

8:00 AM – 9:00 AM “EVERYTHING THAT’S OLD IS NUKE AGAIN”

8:02 Jack sure did find Assad fast. Wasn’t Assad chasing the handler? Did the handler just drive around in circles for 10 minutes? How the hell did Jack run down Assad’s car?

8:03 Bill mentions that hundreds are dead in St. Louis. Don’t remember hearing about that attack. Chicago, Baltimore, and L.A. were just attacked, so St. Louis must have just been hit?

8:04 I’m sorry. I know this has been a staple of the show since Season 4, but when did the President start taking calls from terrorists? When did the United States begin negotiating with terrorists?

8:07 Milo and Morris continue their cat fight. This really needs to stop right now.

8:09 Chloe needs ten minutes to reposition a satellite? Didn’t she and Morris just locate Jack and Fayed in the first hour in about 5 seconds?

8:10 Talk about a “car-Jack-ing.” (Thank you.) This is almost comic relief. Jack always finds some dude leaving for work and getting into his car when he needs to, doesn’t he? He just tells the guy, “Don’t get up.” Yeah, this is all for laughs.

Wait a minute, Jack’s going to cut the handler off through back alleys? I swear Jack has Google Maps hard wired into his cerebrum for all of Los Angeles.

8:11 You’re telling me this terrorist has never even seen a picture of Assad before? And now he’s getting into a car with him, thinking he’s just a good samaritan? Likely story …

8:12 Not to nitpick here, but Jack sure did get lucky with the cell phone he found sitting in that old Buick in the second hour. Seriously, what phone can you patch a call through to CTU? Does my phone patch through to CTU? Does Sprint offer this service?

8:14 Ray seems shocked that Ahmed is a terrorist holding his family hostage. Doesn’t he watch the show?

8:21 Time for some more Morris-Chloe filler. Shoot me now.

8:22 President Palmer looks almost amused when Karen tells him that Jack is tracking a lead with Assad. Just say what you’re thinking, Wayne. “Oh, Jack … that crazy-ass cracka …”

8:25 Jack hops in a car with Curtis. Curtis takes a stab at some awkward conversation.

CURTIS: It’s … good to see you, Jack.
JACK: (Dead silence)
CURTIS: You know, earlier today … when, uh, we left you to be tortured and killed by this terrorist … you know, we didn’t mean it, really …
JACK: (Dead silence)
CURTIS: Please don’t knock me out and drag my lifeless ass onto a sidewalk corner again.

8:31 There’s a sergeant giving one of the prisoners a glance. Which can only mean one thing. He’s a traitor.

8:32 Palmer takes Sandra’s call about civil liberties, privacy issues, etc etc. She’s been arrested and is quickly becoming a thorn in Wayne’s side. She’s definitely this year’s Kim. Only a matter of time before the cougar gets to her.

8:44 Curtis really doesn’t like Assad. This isn’t going to end well.

8:45 The handler blew himself up before Jack and Curtis could get to him. Real shocker there.

8:53 Ray kills the dude with the detonator. This plot is really losing me here. Shameless device to drag an innocent family into the plot. I guess I’ve just seen this too many times before. We’ve covered this ground.

8:58 Great. Laptop shows that we’ve got another nuclear bomb in the city. Nuclear bomb, nuclear warhead, nuclear missile, nuclear power plants … we get it. We’re all going to die unless Jack saves us. Again, these recycled plots are not sitting well with me. I thought we were going in a different direction here.

8:59 The sergeant helps Namir escape. I want to know what this sergeant is getting paid by Fayed to help his cause. Again, really huge shocker. Yawn.

8:59:58 … 8:59:59 … 9:00:00

Monday, January 15, 2007

7:00 AM - 8:00 AM "JACK COVERS HIS OWN ASS-AD"

7:02 Jack avoids being caught in the sewer by Fayed. Lucky for Fayed. That’s one sewer rat Fayed does not want to deal with.

7:03 Morris tells Milo that he really should try not to be such an insensitive prick about Jack “buying the farm.” More importantly, who uses the expression “bought the farm” anymore?

7:04 Jack always finds an abandoned garage and an old Buick with a cell phone in it when he needs one, doesn’t he? He quickly calls the President to tell him that Assad has nothing to do with the attacks. I’ve always been impressed by Jack’s ability to recognize voices quickly. He immediately addresses Karen by name, having no idea that she’s National Security Advisor.

7:07 President Palmer ignores Jack and orders the air strike. Ignoring Jack’s advice is always a good move.

7:08:07 Jack pulls out of the garage.

7:08 Ahmed refuses Scott’s necklace for good luck, replying “You might need it yourself someday.” No, that wasn’t ominous or creepy at all.

7:10:48 Jack arrives at Assad’s compound. In less than 2 minutes and 41 seconds. I guess he got lucky with that L.A. traffic. He infiltrates the property.

7:14 Wouldn’t CTU be tracking the coordinates on their satellite and spot Jack running out the door with Assad as the missiles fired? Just saying …

7:22 We’re introduced to another initially weak plot involving the FBI’s investigation of the Islamic-American Alliance. Turns out Wayne has a sister, Sandra – who’s the organization’s attorney. After she refuses the FBI agents entry to the building, IAA leader Walid Al-Rezani kisses her, thanking her for defending the organization. But he also tells her that he’s willing to do whatever is asked of him. Which can only mean one thing. Walid is a terrorist.

7:24 Curtis informs everyone Assad escaped as ground forces move in.

7:31 Jack always seems to find a family moving with a U-Haul truck and their empty house when he needs one.

7:32 Jack goes into bedroom to get a fresh change of clothes. Chloe finally discovers Jack on satellite – twenty minutes after the air strike. That worked out for Jack pretty well.

7:34 Jack stabs Omar in the shoulder to extract information on Fayed. But then Jack stops because he doesn’t want to hurt him anymore. That pussy … Assad gets the job done, stabbing Omar in the knee. Then he kills him. This Assad dude is aight.

7:36 Jack tells Assad, “I don’t know how to do this anymore.” Assad gives him a friendly terrorist reassurance: “You’ll remember.” What a guy!

7:40 24 is alright, but what I really can’t wait for Tuesday night’s American Idol premiere. Talk about torture! (See, it’s funny because American Idol is so fucking terrible.)

7:42 Sandra fights the FBI over an administrative warrant and then erases all the files in 27 seconds. That’s why they call it “Whatever Technology.” Sandra gets arrested with Walid. The FBI has “orders handed down, and we’re going to follow them.” Could those orders possibly have come from Tom Lennox? (The answer is ‘yes’.)

7:44 Ahmed pulls this season’s Mysterious Terrorist Package out of a wall in his house. But then Scott walks in. Talk about bad timing. Ahmed threatens Scott, telling him that he’s not even a real friend because he constantly mispronounces his name. I have the same problem a lot. Even though I don’t think ‘Johnny’ and ‘Loser’ sound anything alike.

7:50 Surveying the location Omar gave them, Assad is immediately able to point out two men with briefcases on a busy Los Angeles crosswalk and identifies them as terrorists. This guy is pretty good.

7:52 Question: Why does the terrorist get on the last car of the subway? Wouldn’t he do more damage in the middle? Jack follows him onto the train.

7:55 Is this really how Los Angeles takes tickets on the subway now? Don't they just have normal turnstiles like the rest of the country? Isn’t this a little inefficient and old-fashioned? You do that for long trips to different cities or suburbs – not on a subway.

7:56 Wow. Definitely the coolest attack Jack has ever stopped. By the way, is there a terrorist attack in L.A. that the man hasn’t stopped?

7:57 Milo informs Bill of three simultaneous attacks across the country in a Baltimore shopping mall, the L.A. subway – and a Chicago hotel that Wayne Palmer saw on his magic White House TV an hour and a half ago.

CTU learns in less than two minutes that Jack was on the subway.

Chloe then intercepts a call less than a minute after it was made between the handler and Fayed.

Real time. My ass.

7:58 Karen informs Wayne that CTU has intercepted a call implicating Fayed in the attacks.

Wayne delivers the night’s funniest line, as he looks at Karen and says, “So Jack was right. He was right all along …” No shit.

Seriously, when are you ass clowns going to learn that Jack is always right? When was the last time the man was wrong about anything? Have you even watched the last five seasons? Idiots.

7:59 Jack calls Assad as they hunt down Fayed’s man. The funniest action buddy comedy of the season begins!

7:59:58 … 7:59:59 … 8:00:00

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM "JACK TAKES A BITE OUT OF CRIME"

6:00 Groups of early Los Angeles morning commuters gather around a bank of television monitors as we learn that terrorist attacks began “eleven weeks ago in ten different cities.” More than 900 people have been killed so far. The Fox News Alert tells us that a bombing in San Antonio took place just last night.

Fox News also reveals:

“Death Toll Climbs In Atlanta Train Attack”

“Car Bombing In New York”

6:01 Perhaps the eeriest 24 scene ever, the mood is downright apocalyptic. In the wake of the news, an MTA bus driver refuses to let an Arab man carrying a backpack onto his bus. The writers have moved the center of the threat from Los Angeles and spread it out across the country. More importantly, they’ve replaced the threat of attack with the specter of terrorism as the show’s main driver of suspense. Jack won’t be stopping every attack this season. The attacks are now happening in the background as an afterthought.

A young Southeast Asian man blows up the bus by pressing a button on his mp3 player. Those new iPhones really can do everything!

6:02 Allelujah! Allelujah! For the first time, a 24 President is actually in the White House! Why isn’t he in Los Angeles? Isn’t that where all Presidents spend most of their time?

And the President is Wayne! This is way too unrealistic. Don’t the writers know that nepotism has never factored into any presidential race? Oh. Right …

Brilliant casting of Peter MacNichol as presidential aide Tom Lennox. Wo, Karen Hayes has since been promoted to National Security Advisor. We’re not wasting any time getting into a good topical debate this year, are we? Internment camps?

6:03 Wayne mentions that he was sworn in as President three months ago, putting us roughly in late April, based on a presumed January 20 inauguration date.

6:04 The White House receives news of the Los Angeles bus bombing in less than four minutes. That was quick. President Palmer reveals that an attack is planned on presumed mastermind Hamri Al-Assad’s hideout. Palmer gravely asserts that the strike better work because, “God knows we’ve paid a steep enough price.” What price?!?!

6:05 Ahhh, there’s nothing to break up chilling suspense than some good old-fashioned CTU bureaucratic banter! Milo (where has he been since Season 1?) and Morris (Chloe’s ex?) butt heads over something unimportant. Let’s hope this Morris guy doesn’t interfere too much with protecting our country.

6:06 Morris cops a feel with Chloe and calls her a “hottie.” Yep, we’re screwed.

6:07 Chloe discovers that the military is planning an attack on Assad … and that Bill and Curtis are retrieving Jack from the Chinese at Ellis Airfield. Yes, this all makes perfect sense.

6:08 Bill instructs Curtis to draw his weapon in case Jack’s state of mind has been altered. Question: When has Jack not been in an altered state of mind? The last time Curtis saw him, Jack elbowed him in the face, put a sleeper hold on him, dragged him out of his CTU 4-Runner and left him unconscious on a sidewalk corner.

6:09 Jesus Christ! (Literally!) Talk about your Christ-figure. He’s got the beard, the hair, the handcuffs, the crucifix. At least I think he was carrying a crucifix, wasn’t he? Original storyboards actually had Jack walking off the plane in blue spandex tights, a red speedo and a cape, but Wardrobe thought this outfit might be a bit more subtle. Once the Chinese handcuff JC, er – JB, Jack gives Cheng Zhi a look that could kill a man.

Cheng, a.k.a. Evil Chinese Dude, informs us that Jack hasn’t spoken a word in “nearly two years” and that the President has paid a high price for his release. What could we have given the Chinese? Hopefully it was Kim. (Good one, Dad.)

6:10 Boy, Bill and Curtis sure do know how to throw a “Welcome Home!” party, don’t they? Hope they’re never promoted to the Armed Forces’ Party Planning Committee. I mean, a desk with a small lamp, a bowl of water, and a shirt from J.C. Penney. How about some balloons and streamers? Ever heard of “cake,” guys? Maybe some party hats? Or a “Welcome Back Jack” iPod playlist featuring all the hot Black Eyed Peas beats Jack’s missed the last two years. Nice, boys. Way to drop the ball.

6:12 This is getting ridiculous. Not only do you not throw a party for Jack, but you tell him that the only reason you rescued from the Chinese was to hand him over to a Muslim extremist to die? Bill asks Jack to “sacrifice” himself. Then we see scars all over his bruised back. Man, the Chinese never tortured Jesus like this!

6:20 Karen and Bill tell each other how much they miss each other. She’s got a ring on her finger. Guess their little get together after Season 5 led to more than a date at Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast. Could have done without some of this dialogue though …

KAREN: I miss you too, sweetypoo.
BILL: Not as much as I miss you.
KAREN: Nope, I miss you more.
BILL: Well, I miss you to infinity.
KAREN: I’m not hanging up first.
BILL: No, you hang up first.
KAREN: No, you first.
BILL: No, you first.
KAREN: No, you first.

Guys, we are running out of time.

FOX NEWS ALERT! “Southern California Mosque Fire Bombed”

6:21 New CTU #2 Nadia Yassir (hmmm) spills the beans about Jack after Chloe threatens her with her job. Does anyone in CTU ever get along? Turns out Fayed wants Jack dead for killing his brother in Lebanon in 1999. Is there any terrorist on Earth who doesn’t know Jack Bauer or want him dead? (This plot smells a bit too Drazen-ish.)

6:23 Jack is already on the road with a clean shirt, shave and shower less than ten minutes after meeting Bill and Curtis at the airfield. He always has been a (literally) snappy dresser. Jack speaks briefly to President Palmer. Honestly, how many times have the Palmer brothers had to sentence Jack to die?

6:24 President Palmer begins doubting himself (perhaps a character theme developing): “I’m starting to wonder if I’m the right person to lead this country.”

Tom Lennox spells out the Christ reference for viewers: “Bauer has to be sacrificed so this country can survive.” Got it. Thanks.

6:26 EDITING ROOM MISTAKE! President Palmer views a monitor that reads “47 Dead In Chicago Hotel Bombing” – an attack that doesn’t take place for almost another hour and a half. Extremely poor job by the Edit Room, especially on a show that prides itself on that sort of minutiae.

6:27 Tom second-guesses the President, setting up detention centers in L.A., Philly, and Detroit. Thirty minutes in, the writers are already working on their second recycled plot. This sounds an awful lot like Season 2 when Eric Rayburn begins plans for retaliation against the Middle East after David Palmer specifically instructed him not to.

6:28 Bill and Curtis handcuff Jack to a sewer grate. Bill further burnishes his credentials as the show’s best character add of Season 4 as he calls Fayed a “son of a bitch.”

Jack really wants to die. Jack’s brief soliloquy is great too. “Don’t you understand the difference between dying for something nothing and dying for something? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn’t want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something. My way, my choice. To be honest with you, it’ll be a relief.” See, he’s Jesus! Get it? (Sigh.)

6:36 I guess this was inevitable. I’ve never been a fan of these (seemingly) peripheral subplots that inevitably weave their way into the primary storyline. It’s difficult to write these because any seasoned 24 viewer can immediately spot out what’s happening. The writers wouldn’t be introducing these characters if they didn’t have something to do with the day’s events, so it’s an awkward way to introduce them because you know a “twist” is coming. Season 2 gave us Reza and the Warners. Season 4 was Behrooz and his evil parents. Now this …

6:38 The writers are killing me now. It only took them 38 minutes to introduce this season’s “Innocent Kid In Danger” character. I’m pretty certain this is a new record. The dad stops Scott from running outside and goes to protect Ahmed himself, which can only mean one thing. Ahmed is definitely a terrorist.

6:41 Morris and Chloe manage to almost screw up the deal for Assad by tracking his location on satellite. Seriously, how has Chloe not been fired yet for everything she’s done?

6:43 Nadia speaks Arabic to Fayed. Which can only mean one thing. She’s definitely a mole.

6:45 How the hell has Bill already heard what Chloe did – right as he walks in the door?

6:52 Bill is really getting the business from his wife for Chloe’s actions. Man, Bill really needs to get his old lady off his back.

6:54 The show features its first obligatory torture scene of the season. After two years in a Chinese prison, there’s no place like home, right Jack?

6:57 Fayed reveals that CTU is about to kill the wrong man. That Assad isn’t behind the attacks. That he’s come there to stop them. That he’s come there to stop … Fayed. And that Jack will die for nothing. As Fayed prepares to cut off one of Jack’s fingers, Jack reflects on how he may have made a poor career choice.

6:58 Fayed is interrupted by an urgent phone call … from Ahmed. What a shocker. Apparently Behrooz, er Ahmed, has a package for Marwan, er Fayed.

6:59 Jack goes all Le Stat on us, as he rips out the guard’s jugular by taking a bite out of his neck, spitting it out, and wiping the blood from his mouth. Yep. Just like Jesus.

6:59:58 … 6:59:59 … 7:00:00

Friday, January 12, 2007

24 IN REVIEW

The following post offers NO SPOILERS for the upcoming sixth season of 24, as I have avoided all publicity and promotion in the month leading up Sunday night’s season premiere. And a word to the wise: Watching any or all previews will lessen and perhaps ruin completely your enjoyment of the show. This show lives and dies with its plot twists and action sequences. And seeing them before they actually take place in “real time” makes you a cheater, and I feel sorry for you. Chances are you are a terrible person.

Jack Bauer sure can take a licking. And keep on ticking.

And this weekend, we finally reset the clock for the four-hour two-night premiere event of the sixth season of Fox’s 24.

Since becoming America’s most popular counter-terrorist federal agent five years ago, Jack has been through a lot. His daughter has been kidnapped, his wife has been killed, the woman with whom he had an affair turned out to be his mortal enemy, and that’s just for starters.

Five separate terrorist groups have targeted him for assassination, not to mention both the Chinese and his own American (!) governments.

He’s been made an assassination attempt on a future president (David Palmer), been framed for an actual assassination attempt on a former president (David Palmer), and actually kidnapped and threatened to assassinate a sitting president (Charles Logan).

He’s picked up a nasty heroin addiction, broken Tony’s ankle escaping from CTU, and put a nasty sleeper hold on Curtis. Oh, and he murdered his boss execution-style.

He’s sawed off the head of a witness, helped blow up CTU, caused a prison riot to illegally break out a convicted drug felon, chopped off his partner’s hand, blown up a natural gas plant, killed his girlfriend’s estranged husband, interrogated and tortured that girlfriend, threatened to cut out the eyeball of the President’s Chief of Staff (in front of the President), landed a 747 on a Los Angeles freeway, and saved a 6-year old girl in a mall from nerve gas.

He’s broken into the Drazens’ headquarters to avenge the supposed murder of his daughter, a terrorist compound to rescue the Secretary of Defense, the Chinese Embassy to kidnap a citizen, and President Logan’s Western estate to, well, what else kidnap the President.

He’s been held captive by the Drazens, Peter Kingsley, Ramon Salazar, Habib Marwan, Christopher Henderson, President Logan, Ivan Erwich and Nina Myers – twice.

He’s survived a car crash, a plane crash, electric torture, an epinephrine overdose, multiple heart attacks, an L.A. Coliseum shootout, Russian roulette with Salazar, a massive power outage, a natural power plant explosion, an explosion set off by Henderson and a blackout. In fact, one time he actually did die – his heart stopped for four minutes.

He’s saved the world at least five separate times stopping a rogue nuclear bomb from detonating in Los Angeles, stopping World War III from breaking out, stopping the deadly Cordilla virus from infecting and killing a sizable portion of the U.S. population, stopping the meltdown of more than 100 nuclear power plants across North America, stopping a nuclear missile from decimating Southern California, halting a hostage situation at Ontario Airport, stopping nuclear missiles from a submarine and stopping 19 canisters of nerve gas from being released in Russia … and at a mall … and at a hospital … and at a natural gas plant.

On top of all that, he’s been through at least four serious relationships, none of which ended well. His partner has dated his daughter, and he has dated his boss’ daughter.

And what does he get for all this trouble? His wife gets killed, President Palmer orders Nina Myers to kill him, he’s forced to fly a suicide mission to detonate the nuclear bomb over the Mojave, he becomes addicted to heroin, his hot Mexican honey Claudia (pronounced Cloooud-ia) gets killed, he gets fired, he gets dumped, has to fake his own death, has to dump another girlfriend, gets framed for a President’s murder, and then gets kidnapped and tortured by the Chinese anyway.

And that’s just five days! Honestly, how many bad days can one guy have?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

SIX REQUESTS FOR DAY SIX

1. NO MORE MOLES

Nina Myers, Eric Rayburn, Gael Ortega, Marianne Taylor, Spenser Wolff, Walt Cummings … Please stop it with the moles. Ever since Nina Myers was exposed as Jack’s nemesis in the penultimate episode of Day One, the writers have continued to rely on this tired plot device. Each season, they’ll tweak each new mole’s motives – whether it’s greed, undercover work, misguided patriotism, or pure naiveté – but none of it justifies the use of such a hackneyed ploy. Please create a new twist to advance storylines.

2. NO MORE PHONE TRACES

This is a relatively new trend that began in Season 4, but reached new heights of absurdity last season. In order to keep up the show’s lightning-quick pace, the writers simply have characters trace or monitor phone calls to gain the upper hand. Last season alone, Graham intercepted a CTU call alerting them that Jack has acquired the recording which forced them to attempt to shoot down the plane, Henderson intercepted a 911 call that led him to Evelyn and her daughter’s hotel room, and CTU intercepted chatter about an attack on the Suvarovs’ motorcade route – each time minutes after the actual call had taken place! Remember in Season 2 when it took hours to trace calls or pick up “chatter”? Neither do the writers. Ludicrous, lazy storytelling.

3. NO MORE KIM

In 2005, Season 4 certainly seemed like the best season since the first. And looking back, there was a reason for that. Kim didn’t show up once. No more annoying whining. No more inopportunely timed phone calls. No more obnoxious kidnapping or hostage plots. In fact, the only thing I missed were the boobs. Seriously, Elisha Cuthbert has a wicked set of tits, and the show certainly missed them. But then Season 5 rolled around, and she was, miraculously, still gone. And the heavens opened up, the television angels sung, and 24 fans rejoiced! That is, until Hour 12, when Kimberly walked back into CTU to start making Jack feel like shit again for being a bad father. Stupid little bitch … Point being, if you bring her back, the cougar must come with her.

4. NO MORE L.A.

As every American knows, terrorists really don’t care about New York or Washington, D.C. Los Angeles is the only city Muslim extremists care about attacking. Honestly, if we all lived in 24’s world, wouldn’t everyone have left Los Angeles by now? In the last five years, terrorists have targeted the city with a nuclear bomb, a weaponized virus, nerve gas, nuclear reactor meltdowns, nuclear missile attacks, and three presidential assassination attempts. There’s a good chance that if you live L.A. on this show, you will find yourself in the middle of a massive terrorist attack once every 18 months or so. Honestly, it might be time to think about moving. And that goes double for the writers. They tried to get out of L.A. with Jack’s brief Mexican rendezvous in Season 3. And last season, the terrorists were planning to attack Moscow before settling once again on Southern California. So it’s time to take this show on the road. Spice things up a little bit. And one final question … Why is the president always on or near the West Coast when the terrorists attack?

5. BRING CHASE BACK

Every season sees the return of one great character. Season 3 featured the return – and demise – of Nina. Season 4 featured the return of Tony and President Palmer. And Season 5 saw the return of Kim! Kidding. Both Secretary of Defense James Heller and Wayne Palmer were back. Well, it’s high time the writers brought Chase and his bionic arm back into the mix. Chase was a great character. Plus, we would get to see Jack beat the shit out of him for leaving Kim. The only risk here of course is that Chase somehow brings Kim back to the show as well. And we can’t have that. This isn’t a package deal.

6. NO MORE LARGE SCALE TERRORIST ATTACKS

I know this sounds somewhat ridiculous on the surface. But we’ve seen nuclear bombs, nuclear missiles, nuclear power plants, weaponized viruses, and nerve gas. The large-scale terrorist attacks are becoming repetitive and routine. And when the threat of a “nuclear anything” blowing something up starts getting ho-hum, it’s time to start coming up with new ideas. I cringed last year when every episode just became “Which public place of business will Bierko attack with nerve gas this week?” Will it be a mall, or a school, or a hospital, or a natural gas plant, or a submarine? Who cares? It was getting as boring as House’s “Medical Mystery of the Week.” So this year, how about scaling down the attacks and reestablishing the thrilling suspense and solid story structures that the show is founded on anyway?

SEASON 5 AWARDS

Before we begin yet another season of 24, it’s time to take a quick look back at Season 5 in all its spectacular, unrealistic glory.

BEST EPISODE: 4:00-5:00 PM

This episode finally got the season back on track after hours of mole-digging and plot-twisting. The most interesting thing about this hour was that Jack wasn’t at the center of the action. After ripping through both Spenser, Cummings, and Nathanson, Jack finally locates Christopher Henderson (setting up one of the series’ best characters and story arcs), but the plot was just developing at this point. Rather, it was the terrorists’ attack on the Suvarvos’ motorcade that drove the suspense with a powerful action climax. Unbeknownst to viewers at the time, it also established President Logan’s willingness to cooperate with terrorists. Until this moment, I don’t think many viewers imagined Logan was capable of such evil deception. But this was a thinking man’s episode, as Logan and Novick debated their next moves in an attempt to keep CTU out of the loop. Besides the stunning attack and Aaron Pierce’s saving the day, President Logan’s Nixon-like prayer with Mike was one of the season’s best moments.

WORST EPISODE: 6:00-7:00 PM

Just two hours later, the writers went back to their old tricks, relying on Bierko’s nerve gas attack on a hospital to drive the suspense. But “the attack of the week” structure simply didn’t hold up. Watching Curtis run through the hospital with the nerve gas reminded me of Jack’s run through the elementary school with the virus in Season 3. It just held no suspense whatsoever. And again, Jack was interestingly absent from this plotline, off chasing Henderson and his wife. Let’s hope the writers are able to give this next season a better rhythm.

WRITERS’ BIGGEST REGRET: Killing Off Tony

Killing off Tony Almeida was, by far, the biggest mistake the writers made last year. In killing Tony off, they effectively eliminated four of the show’s main characters in less than 14 hours. President Palmer's assassination drove the season, Michelle’s death added shock, and Edgar’s death was used to amazing emotional effect. But killing off Tony was unnecessary, and it will prove to be a poor decision. As he lay dying in Jack’s arms, his final words were, “She’s gone, Jack,” meant to convey that there’s no reason for him to live now that his wife Michelle is dead. But there is a reason. If the writers decide to kill off Jack prematurely (a very real possibility in the coming two seasons), it would be nice to have one of the show’s original stars around to fill the void. On top of that, Tony wasn’t given a proper death like his CTU co-workers Edgar and George Mason before him – the silent count.

WORST PLOT DISTRACTION: Jacob Rossler

The 1:00-2:00 PM episode briefly derailed the season, featuring Jack and Curtis breaching the apartment of a Russian arms expert named Jacob Rossler. The episode even briefly delved into the Russian sex slave trade. It was at this point that the writers were simply killing time, giving Jack and Curtis another compound to break into before getting to the real plot – Jack’s refuting authority and the chase for the nerve gas.

WORST RED HERRING: Audrey Raines

When Collette Stenger implicates Audrey Raines in the terrorist attacks, you could almost hear every fan let out a collective groan. An obvious decoy from the start, the plot “twist” was simply an excuse for Jack to choke Audrey. After wasting an hour with this garbage, Jack finally forces Collette to reveal that Henderson put her up to it. No shit, sweetheart. Time to move on.

BEST RED HERRING: Vice President Hal Gardner

Up until the last minute of the show’s 16th hour, Jack Bauer, along with the rest of the country, was 100% certain that Vice President Hal Gardner was behind the terrorist attacks of the day. He was just too shifty-eyed with Wayne and too nosy about Logan’s plans. But one of the season’s best episodes led us on right up until the clock struck 11:00, when Evelyn screamed at Jack, "The vice president has nothing to do with this!" President Logan was soon revealed to be the mastermind behind the day’s events.

FUNNIEST LINE:

After CTU is attacked with nerve gas at 7:00, Jack tells Audrey that he feels responsible for putting Kim in danger by bringing her into CTU. Audrey’s response may be the most unintentionally hilarious bit of dialogue ever written.

Audrey: “Jack, there was no way you could have known CTU was vulnerable.”

Right. There’s no way Jack could have known. After all, in the last five years, CTU hasn’t allowed professional hitmen through security … or allowed criminals to escape the medical center … or allowed five moles to work there … or allowed Secret Service to “murder” a federal agent there … or allowed a grieving widow to murder a known terrorist … or been bombed to the ground. No, none of those things have ever happened at CTU. Honestly, who could have known CTU was so vulnerable?

WORST CHARACTER: Barry Landes

Because Chloe’s odd, eccentric ex-husband (who’s sure to play a role in Season 6) showed up only in the final episode, the award goes to Kim’s new psychotherapist boyfriend Barry Landes. From his salt-and-pepper goatee to his whiny voice, this douche bag is the perfect match for Kim in the Nuisance Department. Although who wouldn’t take a shot at Tits McGee? Well done, Barry. Just stay away from the show. Or Jack will kill you.

BEST CALLBACK: Wayne Palmer

Weaving Wayne Palmer back into the plot midway through the season was brilliant. They were able to further develop his character (he served in the military?), but also show him in some bad ass action scenes, something his brother David can now be seen doing weekly on CBS’ crapfest The Unit every Tuesday night!

Sunday, January 7, 2007

TOYOTA TO THE RESCUE

Now that I've gotten my stance on promos and previews out of the way, it's clear that I'm coming into the season with a clean slate. All I know is that the last time we saw Jack, he was on a slow boat to China and basically screwed. My feelings at the end of last season still stand: I want the action to start in China but have no idea how they'd link that into a full day if the writers stick to the now-tired "LA is the point on which the Milky Way revolves" plot template. Of course, they could always set up a plot that takes place in China....

As a 25th birthday present to myself, I just watched the Day Six prequel from the DVDs (it also coincides nicely with one-week-to-go) and I have to say, improbable Toyota product placement aside (but keep financing these segments) it kicked serious ass. Day Five's prequel was a nice touch and made me happy thinking that Jack Bauer was stalking the streets of my city, but it didn't do a huge amount for the overall plot. Not so here!

Quick recap:

Jack has been tortured for seven months (apparently with some whippings and electric shocks to the heart - didn't that "kill" him a few years back?)
He has a man beard of epic proportions
Evil Chinese Diplomat who should be sporting a mustache to twirl evilly wants to know the identity of an American agent in the Chinese government
Jack gets rescued by American operatives, bodies pile up, and Toyota SUVs apparently kick Chinese military jeeps' asses
It's all a setup by the Chinese to force Jack into identifying the spy - back to prison!

Verdict: Holy shit, that's so uncool / fantastically cool that it's mind boggling. They've gotta start in China, right? I guess they could always do a "One year later..." in the premiere, but I've got to hold out hope that America will send a team into China to rescue Jack / immediately get to work thwarting some crazy Chinese scheme. First four hours to deal with Jack's rescue and intro of the Day Six threat.

Ah, my first taste of Day Six dovetailing into my first prediction. We're keeping score on these, Johnny. May the best man win.

SPOILERS MAKE NAKED MANDY CRY

Johnny might have touched on the fact that we don't like 24 spoilers. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. I remember the carefree times of watching Day One and looking forward to the next-week-on segments and, hell, even the promo spots. No real harm - they served to merely whet the appetite for whatever crazy shit was coming up.

Of course, the promo monkeys at Fox decided to change this during Day Two and began giving away more-than-minor plot points. And then it happened - in a promo they showed Lynne getting shoved down two stories and appearing to be dead. Never mind that it turned out she was only horribly injured - that's missing the point. It was the major climax of the episode and they gave it away. That was the moment that Johnny and I decided to ditch all the promos / next-week-on's.

Others have taken longer to come around to our point of view - people who were exiled from our presence if they wanted to watch that stuff. Relatives who were forbidden to discuss such topics even as they admitted that it sucked to know that a helicopter was going to Gatling gun the hell out of an office building or that Kim was going to find herself in danger yet again (OK, that's just common sense). But since the moratorium we've just been letting ourselves be surprised by what happens. There have been difficulties - I had a friend who started watching 3/4 of the way into Day Four call me to ask why the black guy from the Allstate ads was going to be in the next episode ("What?! Palmer is coming back? Oh my God what have you just told me!"), and sure there's been some odd stares when I'm in a bar watching football on Fox and I suddenly avert my eyes and plug my ears as a promo comes on. But it's all worth it.

An anecdote as to how natural this has become: on New Year's Day at a friend's apartment, as 10 of us or so were watching football, I got up to find the remote and switch to another bowl game. Walking back to the couch, I flicked the "last" button behind my back at the cable box - apparently at the very second that a 24 promo started. If the sixth sense is ESP, I've developed a specialized seventh sense - not letting Fox fuck with my 24 experience.

Our spoiler policy on this blog: anything written about an upcoming hour is pure speculation (we can't help it if our predictions are so dead on we might as well be writing the show), any time after an hour has aired is fair game for that plot. That means all 120 hours worth of show so far - if this is what makes you finally go back and watch the previous seasons on DVD, I feel I've somehow justified my existence.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

THIS IS THE LONGEST BLOG OF MY LIFE

It’s surprising – shocking, really – that it took Smock and I five long years to put up a 24 blog. Unlike most so-called “fans” of the show, Smock and I have been here from, literally, Day One.

Being a true 24 fan requires two things. First, you must watch each season as it unfolds on television week by week. None of this “I’m-too-impatient-and-waiting-to-watch-it-in-chunks-when-it-comes-out-on-DVD-next-year” bullshit. What makes 24 the most entertaining show on television is the anticipation that follows each week’s cliffhanger. Watching seasons in bulky four-episode chunks on DVD is tantamount to cheating. And nobody likes a cheater. Cheater.

The second requirement to be a true 24 fan is something that’s sadly completely out of your control. You must have watched the show from the very beginning with its post-9/11 start date in 2001. I applaud you for your dedication, perseverance, and work ethic for catching up on DVD before Season 4 or 5 (when the rest of the world also caught on – finally), but to have been there from the beginning and never missed a single hour makes you one of Jack Bauer’s most loyal followers.

We’ll be updating this blog almost daily with episode recaps and reviews, lists, plot predictions, and a hopefully steadily climbing Season 6 Death Count.

Seeing as how Jack was last seen being kidnapped and tortured by the Chinese, who knows what’s going to happen this season? Oh, right. You do. Because you watch Fox's spoilertastic pre-season previews. You ass.

But one thing will be certain. He’s gonna need a hacksaw.

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