12:00 AM - 1:00 AM "EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING"

12:02 Doyle runs out into the middle of the interstate in the dead of night to stop traffic. What a crazy fucker … I love this guy. He then carjacks some dude, Grand Theft Auto-style.

12:03 Doyle calls CTU and tells Bill that Jack “got the drop on me before I could get the component.” In what has to be the funniest moment of the season, Bill announces to the room, “Jack Bauer’s gone rogue.” I laugh out loud.

12:04 After sidelining her for her undying loyalty to Jack, Bill puts Chloe back to work. Because why wouldn’t he reverse a decision he made just ten minutes ago?

12:05 Jack uses the Valley’s power lines as a shield as he removes the tracker from the sub circuit board. Having obviously not worked with Jack long enough, Milo tells Chloe he can’t believe that Jack would give up the circuit board to the Chinese. Chloe comments that Jack would die before giving up the component. Milo then wins the Most Useless and Unnecessary Exposition Award of Season 6 when he dramatically replies, “The question is – would Jack give up Audrey’s life?” Gee, thanks, Captain Obvious. Now go back to doing whatever the hell it is you’ve been doing the past five hours. Oh, right. Pouting like a 4-year-old girl who lost her blankie.

12:06 White House Press Secretary Ellen Price announces that President Palmer is on route to Bethesda Naval Hospital. Daniels will address nation at 9:00 AM EST – 6:00 AM PST – the final minutes of the season. Daniels better be careful. Given the writers’ penchant for repeating Season 2 plotlines, I wouldn’t be surprised if Zombie Naked Mandy rose from the dead for a botched assassination attempt in the season’s closing moments.

12:07 Daniels asks Lennox what he’s going to do with the recording. Tom promises to keep his mouth shut.

12:08 Jack orders Cheng to deliver Audrey to an abandoned motel called the Calderone off the 305. The Chinese might have tortured Jack in every conceivable way over the last two years, but they never managed to dislodge the LA Google Maps hardwired into his brain.

12:14 Lennox suggests utilizing ancillary agencies in the hunt for Bauer. Why would anyone do that? CTU always seems to have things completely under control …

12:15 Daniels instructs Lisa to tell the press that the acting President is a “dirty old man.” Somewhere, Bill Clinton is smiling.

12:17 Doyle tracks Jack going east on the 118 toward the 305 and 98. Doyle figures Jack took the 305 to avoid state surveillance. Of course, if Doyle were smart, he would know that Jack didn’t take either road – because neither highway actually exists. Come on, 24!

Doyle tells Nadia to trace all calls from the terrorists’ phones to pick up Jack’s outgoing calls. Milo is jealous that Doyle is so smart. I hate Milo so much.

12:18 Chloe and Morris get in a fight over Chloe taking over his computer to track Jack’s location without asking him first. The fight ends with Morris getting his panties in a twist and telling Chloe she should just work with Milo all the time. Milo is now involved in two equally annoying love triangles. I hate Milo so much.

Chloe also mocks Morris for arming the suitcase nuke for Fayed. Uh-oh. Morris needs a little drinky-poo.

12:20 Peter Hock from the Department of Justice warns Karen that she must fire Bill for releasing Fayed two years ago from CTU Seattle. Karen’s opinion of Reed Pollock? “He’s such a weasel.” See, it’s funny because she’s saying what we’re all thinking.

12:31 After calling Bill, Karen asks Lennox for advice on how to handle the situation with Bill. Since when did Lennox and Karen become BFF’s? Lennox tried getting her fired over this same issue a little over 12 hours ago.

12:33 Jack sets up the booby trap for Cheng, hiding the explosive charges of C-4 in the wall.

12:34 Jack leaves Bill a message as a confirmation that Cheng does not have the sub board. 1) How did Jack get Bill’s direct voicemail? Bill doesn't pick up his phone? 2) The Chinese might have tortured Jack in every conceivable way over the last two years, but they never managed to dislodge the Yellow Pages hardwired into his brain.

Jack asks Bill to take care of Audrey and finishes the call with “You’ve been a good friend. Thanks for not forcing me to kill you or anything.”*

12:39 Morris asks Bill for a transfer from the comm unit because of his spat with Chloe. It’s like workplace romance at CTU is a bad idea or something …

12:40 Bill calls Karen back. (How has he not gotten Jack’s message yet???) Karen explains the situation to Bill and promptly fires him. Bill hangs up. It’s like workplace romance at CTU is a bad idea or something …

12:42 Jack calls the Valley Cab Company to pick up Audrey. The Valley Cab Company is going to take on the Chinese? This is Jack’s plan?

12:43 Doyle discovers the abandoned motel and pulls off the road.

12:44 Bill steps down as Director of CTU and hands power over to Nadia. Nadia? Really? Nadia??? Nadia Yassir is acting director of CTU? The woman who was being interrogated as part of the terrorist plot just six hours earlier? Sure … Even Chloe would be a better choice for Director. And she’s nuts.

12:46 Nadia officially becomes Director in CTU’s annual takeover with the trademark line of all new CTU directors: “Bring in Jack Bauer!”

12:53 Cheng enters the building with Audrey and asks for the component. Jack demands Audrey walk out of the building to the cab. Cheng’s response? “Let’s do this.” Mortal Kombat music begins playing.

12:56 Doyle starts firing just as Jack gives Cheng the component. Cheng and his men escape in three black Hummers and take out one of CTU’s choppers with a bazooka.

12:57 Jack kills two Chinese foot soldiers and is apprehended by Doyle. Jack tells Doyle that he “had this handled.” I guess, Jack …

12:58 Audrey shows signs of post-traumatic stress disorder – you know, acting like someone who's just been held captive by the Chinese for a year ... I'm talking to you, Jack.

12:59:58 … 12:59:59 … 1:00:00.

* For full disclosure, this was my Dad’s joke. He always steals the best punchlines.

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11:00 PM - 12:00 AM "JACK GOES ROGUE ... AGAIN"

11:02 The paramedic gives Jack “something for the pain.” The only thing that could help Jack feel better at this point is a bullet in the head. Or maybe a sandwich. A blowjob certainly couldn’t hurt. It has been almost two years since he was banging Mrs. Coach Taylor. (A little Friday Night Lights reference for you there.) Doyle then thanks Jack for everything he’s done for the country. Oh Doyle, what a great guy … Turns out that some crazed sado-masochist agents aren’t so bad after all.

11:03 Chang wants the component from the triggering mechanism of the suitcase nuke that contains a prototype algorithm old enough to be free of any modern decryption safeguards that will allow the Chinese access to virtually all Russian defense technology in exchange for Audrey. Desperate for some hot Department of Defense action, Jack agrees to this without blinking.

Seriously ladies, Jack Bauer is a great boyfriend. Sure, there's the occasional torture, he can disappear for years at a time, and of course, the self-loathing gets old after awhile, but he's great when it comes to getting you out of jam.

11:05 Audrey apologizes to Jack for trying to locate and rescue him in China – officially solidifying a strong 2nd place finish behind Kim for “Dumbest Female Character Ever on 24.” Way to go, Aud.

11:06 Jack takes 15 seconds to peer creepily out of the alley at the military.

11:07 Palmer refuses medical attention again because he’s scared Daniels might use the doctor’s visit as a pretext to invoke the 25th amendment yet again. Why would Daniels do that? That would mean the writers would have to repeat themselves – and the writers never repeat themselves.

11:08 After learning that the nukes have been found and secured, Wayne orders everyone to leave the bunker and return to the White House. Because honestly, with seven hours left, what else could go wrong?

11:09 Chloe takes a call from Jack, as Bill briefs and congratulates everyone at CTU. I don’t know why Bill is thanking all these random workers. Doesn’t he know that the only characters who do anything (or are even allowed to speak) are Milo, Morris, Nadia, Doyle and Chloe?

Jack asks Chloe for a diagram of an FB sub-circuit board from one of the nukes. Chloe quickly realizes this could lead to an “international situation big-time.”

11:10 Chloe downloads a schematic from one of the bombs off her boyfriend’s computer that could potentially lead to WWIII. Chloe is totally Jack’s bitch. There is some sort of sick S&M thing going on here. If Jack asked her to stick her hand into a garbage disposal, she would do it just to make him happy.

11:15 Wayne takes yet another long look at his brother David’s picture in the Oval Office – just to remind all the disgruntled longtime fans of the show’s better days.

11:16 Wayne blackmails Daniels into resigning with a “little brute force” and flips his door shut like a ballerina gooned on painkillers.

11:19 Morris discovers Chloe has hacked into his system, and Chloe explains that Jack asked her to help save Audrey. Morris threatens to tell Bill and forces Chloe to. Somebody’s not getting any tonight.

11:21 Cut to Jack sliding down a pole to steal the suitcase nukes. The American military really is the finest in the world. I love that these soldiers fall for Jack’s “I’m going to call your superior” garbage. With these two soldiers on guard, Ferris Bueller could steal the nukes.

11:29 Doyle puts Jack in timeout and handcuffs him. Bill proves once again that he has absolutely no long-term memory when he acts shocked that Jack would try to steal the nukes. Because it’s not like Jack has ever done anything like break into a Chinese embassy or kill a fellow agent or kidnap the President or fake his own death.

11:31 Jack asks Palmer to authorize a field mission to rescue Audrey and vows to blow himself up with the chip with a charge of C4 to keep the Chinese from taking it.

11:38 Jack asks Doyle to team up with him to take out Chang and rescue Audrey.

11:39 Milo tells Nadia that Doyle is on the phone for her. Milo looks disturbed. The writers are so in love with this plot that if it were a blow-up doll, they would gang rape it. They can’t let one episode slip by without bringing the tension back up between these two fucktards.

11:42 Daniels tells Lisa he’s resigning. You know what this means? He’s not resigning.

11:45 When Callery starts in with the inspirational 24 theme, it’s never a good – yep, Wayne’s stroking out.

11:52 Lennox, Karen, Daniels, Lisa, and the worst doctor in the world meet in the Oval Office to discuss Wayne’s cerebral hemorrhage. Wayne is being prepped for transport to Bethesda and won’t be regaining consciousness until the last 15 minutes of the season finale in five weeks.

11:54 Daniels asks Karen to notify the Senate and the House of the transfer of power. Would this be the National Security Advisor’s responsibility? Has the National Security Advisor always been the acting Commander-in-Chief’s bitch? Someone please inform me in the Comments. Daniels orders Jack’s operation shut down.

11:57 When getting the order from Daniels, Bill looks scared shitless. He knows they can’t shut Jack down. He starts setting up road blocks and tells Chloe she’s off the mission. Finally, for once, someone actually realizes what Jack is going to do.

11:58 Buchanan orders Doyle to take alternate his route and disarm Jack as quickly and quietly as possible. Right … like that’s possible. Jack immediately realizes Doyle is shutting him down and pulls a gun on him out of habit.

11:59 Jack forces Doyle off the interstate and puts him up against a fence. Doyle tries reasoning with Jack, but it's too late. Jack has gone rogue ... again.

11:59:58 … 11:59:59 … 12:00:00.

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INSERT SEMI-WITTY TITLE HERE: 11:00PM - 12:00PM (LIVE)

Holy crap, I managed to demagnetize my hotel key while doing laundry and realized it with 2 minutes to spare. Sure I got some odd looks sprinting down the hallways to the front desk, but I managed to make it before the "next week on Drive" was over. Talk about real-time shit going down....

Not drunk this week, but still bored. Sporadic updates to follow:

11:00 - 11:11pm Previously on OH GET ON WITH IT, Audrey is being held by Snidely Whiplash, the evil mustache twirling Chinese intelligence guy. I hear he's tied her to some train tracks and the train is coming around the bend! Actually he wants some thingamajig from the snuke so that China can access all of Russia's military info. Gee, that little suitcase sure packs a punch. And don't these CTU people know to never celebrate? Something bad always happens. Jack gets Chloe's attention by sending her a picture of his balls ala Cartman. In other news, the Prez wants to go back to the oval office to tell the country that the threat is over. Boy will he sure look stupid when Russia launches on the US!

11:15 - 11:25pm Wayne certainly just bitch slapped VP Daniels while asking for his resignation. Jesus, you'd think a guy who could barely stand a few minutes ago would have a harder time gathering the stones to stare down a raging Powers Boothe. And guess what, Morris is a paranoid computer nerd - how did Chloe not think of that?! Sending Jack shit from his computer will probably not work out too well. Just give Morris a drink or a lap dance or something. Jack is now going all Splinter Cell again, this never ends up well for the random agents/soldiers whom he drags in to his schemes. Well in this case I'm apparently wrong, as Ricky Schroeder crashes the party and manages to out-charm Jack, forcing the soldiers to knock Mr. Bauer the fuck out. I'd just like to take this moment to ask what the hell is up with former SecDef Heller? Didn't we find out that he was in intensive care after his attempted/forced suicide? Did he manage to survive intensive care? And if so, how did he not send some shady black ops crew to scour China for both Jack and Audrey? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

11:29 - 11:34pm Jack shakes off getting hit in the head with a rifle the way he shakes off going into cardiac arrest while being tortured. He uses his one call to try and convince the Prez to go along with his harebrained scheme. If he knows what's good for him he'll agree to any and all demands. Jack uses a pretty good argument that doubles as the understatement of the series after "this is the longest day of my life" and "we are running out of time": "Mr. President: You. Owe. Me." Of course Wayne melts when Jack volunteers that he'll blow himself up with c4 in order to take out the Whatever Device if he fails. Jesus, if every President let his own emotions and family debts influence his policies to the degree that the Palmer brothers have ... oh, wait.

11:38 - 11:47pm Jack breaks down the situation to Ricky like this: "Two things are going to happen when i hear from you that Audrey is safe: I'm going to destroy that circuit board and Cheng Zhi isn't going to make it out alive." Sweet, because you know somehow he is going to top lynching Fayed. Somehow. Meanwhile, it's sad that Chloe and Morris are probably the most functional CTU couple now that Michelle and Tony are dead. And that's saying a lot. Anyway, did Cheng stow Audrey aboard the same plane that he flew Jack from China in? Jack claims that "I don't mix relationships with my job." One, I hope Nadia didn't hear that - it might solve the soap opera plot before it gets to really shine! Oh, and Two - I'll let Ron Franklin handle this one: "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Jack, all you do is make everything personal. Moving on. I think Daniels might be a little suspicious of his chief of staff. Or not, because apparently they are boning. Wayne gives an upliftingly short press conference. The Prez mixes up a reporters name. Uh oh, is he going to collapse or something? Now he's stumbling over words - Daniels might want to hold off on that resignation. And there we go, Wayne finishes stroking out and collapses. Folks, I think we have brain damage.

11:50something, I missed it again - 12:00pm Daniels decides he should probably take over now. Boy, Tom sure is fucked. Hey look, we get another 25th amendment invocation! First on the agenda is screwing Jack's mission over. Incidentally, Daniels and his chief of staff give each other a look like "Say, where do they keep those cigars in this here office?" Morris gets the bump over Chloe since Buchanan finally realizes that she will do anything Jack asks. Especially if a picture of his balls is involved. Yet again, someone who is supposed to bring Jack in manages to bungle the job. This time Ricky gets to warn: "You can't go against the White House." Again, have any of these people ever actually watched 24?

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LATE SEASON PREDICTIONS

With only seven episodes to go (and a brand new story arc forthcoming), it’s time for our final Season 6 predictions until the two-hour finale next month. Previously on 24, Jack single-handled hunted down Fayed, killed off his entire terrorist cell, and located the two remaining suitcase nukes. But merely seconds after saving the world for what has to be at least the 37th time, Jack received an unexpected phone call. Or, if you’re anything like Smock and me, a completely expected phone call.

The writers really never give Jack a moment’s rest. Could somebody just once make the guy a sandwich? How about offer him a soda? It’s amazing how much just a turkey sandwich and Mr. Pibb can really change your outlook on a whole day.

It was quickly revealed that Audrey was, in fact, not dead, as had been previously reported by Chloe and further verified by a big scrapbook full of old pictures of her lifeless body. Which conveniently included no headshots.

Turns out Chang has taken Audrey hostage, either some time today since he returned to Los Angeles at 6 this morning or some time in the past year when she was presumed dead. You didn’t really think that the Chinese would be through with Jack just yet. Thank God the writers have brought them back to finish (maybe?) this incredible plotline once and for all. Or as Chang might put it, “China has a long memory. Did you really think we would forget?”

So how will this all play out? I don’t know, but as you read on, you'll realize that my guess is as good as yours ...

PHONE-Y BALONEY. The phone number 310-597-3781 is one magical telephone number. Not only does it belong to the private Hidden Valley Ranch (also a great salad dressing) residence of former President Charles Logan, it also serves as CTU’s general phone line and Chang’s L.A. cell phone. The writers simply aren’t this lazy. (Or cheap.) I simply refuse to believe that this phone number is just a coincidence. The Chinese, CTU, and President Logan are all in on this together. Oh, and Walid. Just because.

ZOMBIE CURTIS. Zombie Curtis will grow even more powerful as he feeds on the flesh of those affected by the nuclear fallout in Valencia. Jack will once again be forced to kill him after he takes Audrey hostage. But this time, rather than just shooting him in the neck, Jack must drive a wooden stake through his heart – and then launch an RPG in his general direction.

Oh, right. And Zombie Curtis rises from the dead in the next two hours. Probably should have clarified that.

BABY MAMA DRAMA. Having finally run out of CTU plotline distractions and exhausting all possible agent conflicts, the writers will further push the limits of viewers’ patience and stretch the outer boundaries of the space time continuum to a breaking point, when they have Nadia get pregnant and deliver a healthy, 7-pound baby girl in CTU’s new OBGYN clinic – all in the next four hours. (And you thought Jack moved fast …) The final two episodes will deal with the aftermath of the delivery and the identity of the real father. Is it Milo, Morris, Doyle, Jack’s nephew Josh, that dude from Denver, or Chloe and a turkey baster?

LOGAN’S GOOD FORTUNE. President Logan will return (despite having not been mentioned for five hours since being stabbed in a vital artery by Martha) to help Jack track down Chang and Audrey.

CROMWELL RETURNS. Philip Bauer will return (despite having not been mentioned for seven hours since disappearing through a mile-long radius net set up by CTU) to foil Jack and conspire with Chang.

REMEMBER TO RECYCLE. Finally, given the writers’ recent fondness for shamelessly repeating previous seasons’ plotlines (25th Amendment, CTU love triangle, shaky pretext for bombing the Middle East), Jack will give himself up to the Chinese in exchange for Audrey. Jack will then be beaten and shipped out to Beijing on a slow boat to China. Season 7 will open with recently elected President Wayne Palmer brokering a deal for Jack’s return – only to give him up to an evil extremist behind the next day’s terror plots. Jack will then escape, begin his search for suitcase nukes, discover that his brother and father are complicit in the plot, and so on and so forth … The show will devolve into Groundhog Day for television, as Jack is forced to discover a better way to save the day -- and his life -- and stop getting stuck in the middle of these fucking terrorist attacks.

Would love to hear some thoughts on the Comments board on where this wacky season is headed ... So what happens next???

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ADVENTURES IN BUZZED HOTEL LIVE-ISH BLOGGING: 10:00PM - 11:00PM

The following takes place between me getting drunk last night and me going to sleep in my hotel room. In between I went slumming and watched 24 on a non high def, non widescreen, non surround sound setup and decided to type out my thoughts during each commercial break. This was the longest hour of my life.

Note: I am apparently a very bitter drunk. In retrospect I did really like this episode, but all I've done is correct misspellings and delete some of the stupider things. Reading over this frightens me extremely, and you really shouldn't read it unless you have time to kill. And, uh, an open mind.

10:00 - 10:11pm How do you people watch this shit? It's so square and noisy. The TV is flickering every so often. The sound is tinny. Powers Boothe still has a soothing baritone, however. Wayne is still a badass too - get your neocon on mister Prez! Also, Wayne is going to have an awesome scar from this. If he splashes this missile he's a huge pussy, even if he is all jacked up on Mountain Dew. It's going to hit and it's about time someone in the world of 24 said enough is enough and - FUCK HE'S SPLASHING IT. He better make this unknown country his bitch now. Oooh that sneaky fucker, it was a blank! I bet David Palmer's ghost told him to do that. Also, I bet Jack and Ricky could really fuck Fayed up while questioning him. I feel like I'm missing a lot in these close up shots, I need the sides of my screen back. Maybe a sense of pacing is hiding there. Heh, Burke's "pharmaceutical package".

whatever time, I wasn't paying attention and there's no DVR, fuck - 10:22 Wayne realizes that we are already at war and has a touching moment of self discovery. Wayne's hand is all shaky, maybe he needs his brother's old doctor woman to sex him up. Ricky realizes that Burke sucks at his job. Jack sucks at driving if he was behind the wheel of that crash. Apparently Fayed has a GPS receiver up his ass because that's the only way they could find him. Jack comes to life like he's still in Flatliners and it was all a ruse. Milo starts to realize that we've got a love triangle developing. Maybe it would help the undercover agents' credibility if they didn't speak english all the time with their terrorist buddy.

10:27 - 10:37 The ambassador of mystery nation has warped over to the not-so-secure bunker. Wayne to ambassador: bend over and lube up. Wayne then decides to rehash season 2 more thoroughly and wants to pull a Sayed Ali on the captured general's family while calling muslims barbaric. Well that got interesting. The love triangle starts fucking with shit already - paging Days of our Lives and their evil monkey. More stormy looks all around.

10:41 - 10:47 Nadia realizes something is wrong, thus redeeming Muslims as intelligence agents. We already had Yusuf from season 2 for that you fuckers. Maybe CTU should invest in tunnel piercing satellites some day since it's only fucked them, what 18 times? How awesome would it be if this was under the same tunnel as Prison Break? Jack and Mahone team up with Linc and Michael to fuck shit up. And then Kellerman can help out!

10:51 - 10:59 Wayne needs House to treat him with dangerous injections instead of this pussy doctor. Does anyone know what downtown LA ever did to terrorists? Because they seriously fucking hate it. Whatever the city has done, it must be 10 times worse than franchising a Satriale's Pork Store in Mecca. Oh hello, Jack shoots people, people shoot at Jack. As always, the "at" is key. Jack goes feral on Fayed and jacks him up, sadistically killing him by hanging. So what now - are the two suitcase nukes missing? Even Ricky thinks Jack went too far, and this is a guy who derives sexual pleasure from pain. Please tell me this isn't Kim on the phone. Hey look its Audrey, I guess this won't be the plot of the movie. Evil Chinese dude has her! Somewhere in LA for no apparent reason! Time to make Jack go rogue again. And this time, its personal. Again.

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BIGOTRY SAVES AMERICA: "MORNING" - 12:00PM

Declare you unfit to write recaps, you say? I'm going to do just that - time to invoke the 25th amendment to take over this blog. Oh, right, hi I'm David, I used to post very occasional tidbits before the crushing weight of the mediocrity of recent episodes drove me to drink instead. But now that Rome and Battlestar Galactica (yes I said Battlestar you nerd bashers, I refuse to repent for one of the best shows on TV today) have ended their seasons I can possibly re-focus. Also, I'm stuck in NoWhere, Massachusetts on an expense account that allows me to buy drinks. So I decided to bring you the 24 episode of South Park which managed to use the format of 24 better than the show itself has this season (really, at this point the only explanation for the time warping helicopters and rocket booster cars would actually be an inaccurate clock).

Morning, South Park A new student is introduced to the class - Bahir Hassan Abul Hakim. Cartman flips out and asks if he's been checked for bombs. When Mr. Garrison asserts that not all Muslims are terrorists, Cartman replies "No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them". Cartman, have you met VP Daniels? Kyle channels his inner Chloe and starts searching Myspace for Bahir's info. It does not check out.

The time is 12:00pm: the following takes place between recess and geography class.

12:02 Cartman realizes that the terrorist target is a Hillary "Hil-dawg" Clinton rally in South Park and demands to speak to the President. Bush is not really Palmer material; he doesn't even know what a secure line is or how to sign a pardon for mass murdering terrorists in a matter of minutes. Idiot. Of course, one of Hil-dawg's aides is a terrorist mole and calls the Russian sounding baddies. South Park sure got the mole cliche down pat.

12:17 Kyle cross references Bahir's Myspace profile with realtor.com and finds where he lives. Cartman sends Kyle a cameraphone picture of his balls which of course would make Chloe melt. The terrorists have hidden a nuclear bomb in Hil-dawg's ... snatch (the "technical term for vagina"). It's called a snuke and if it goes off "everyone in South Park will die ... forever". Ooooh.

12:28 Split screen gags are hilarious. Even more hilarious would be if 24 remembered how to use these and show all the different players doing their part to thwart the terrorist threat. You know, back when there were multiple plot threads instead of "Jack shoots people and blows things up, killing his one lead before he could get more than one piece of info; Chloe frowns and wiretaps a turned off cell phone in Khandahar just in time to overhear a terrorist revealing the next attack phase". When Kyle traces the terrorists' trail from YouTube to eBay, his room is absorbed by Homeland Security. He should be damn lucky Division didn't show up.

12:34 Marshall Goren should be lucky he only got shot and decapitated with a hacksaw - the Hakim parents get a facefull of Cartman ass gas. He ups the potency by injecting himself with apple juice. Yum. Cartman traces Bahir to Butters' house, but both are captured by the real terrorists. And then I wish Chloe would someday say "Nobody uses Ask Jeeves - just Google search it!" After cross referencing with JDate and getting intel from Drudge Report, it looks like they're getting there.

12:40 The terrorists ask Cartman if he really thinks Muslims are behind the threat. "Uh, yes, of course." Actually, the British are coming in age-of-sail warships. Oh, snap.

12:47 The aide who goes into Hil-Dawg after the snuke is dismembered by an unknown creature lurking inside. So now we know why Monica Lewinsky became famous (ooh ... snap?). And knowing is half the battle. Kyle uncovers the British plot through Craigslist. Which is totally unrealistic unless the info was somehow disguised as another post from a married 40 year old guy trolling for free sex. "Mapquest the address - I'll use Google Maps, it has live traffic!" Armed forces invade the terrorist stronghold as the detonator clock counts down. Luckily the power goes out.

12:00 The detonator has reset and the time is flashing. Everyone dies, including the British when their muskets don't hold up to good old fashioned American freedom - and missiles. Plenty of missiles. The Queen shoots herself in the head.

Conclusion Cartman points out that by profiling Muslims he saved the day. "Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no." The Hakims decide to leave the US. "Ok, who got rid of all the Muslims, huh? That was all me. A simple thank you will suffice." Oh you - that's our Cartman!

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9:00 PM - 10:00 PM "GREDENKO GETS OUT OF ARM'S WAY"

Yes, the posts' titles are getting worse every week. There are only so many puns to be made from the words "bomb," "nuke," and "Russia." But until Smock declares me unfit to write these recaps and usurps my power with a 25th Amendment proceeding, I will soldier on.

9:02 Lennox assembles the Cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment. Boy, President Palmer sure is a quick dresser. Two minutes and he’s out of his hospital gown and into a suit and tie. Impressive work. Wayne refuses his wheelchair, arguing, “I don’t want to look weak!” Mmmmm, foreshadowing. He then asks for an adrenaline shot.

9:03 Jack updates Bill. Bill updates Jack.

9:04 Wayne limps into the conference room and meets with the Cabinet, officially breaking the 24 record for quickest, most miraculous recovery from a horrific injury, edging out previous record holder Tony Almeida’s Season 3 gunshot to the jugular.

9:05 The doctor testifies to the Cabinet that he believes the “greatest danger has passed.” I concur. The White House bunker was just bombed, and the President was almost assassinated. What else could go wrong?

9:06 Wayne addresses the Cabinet. Daniels addresses the Cabinet. I address my need to urinate. Thanks for the last two-hour recap, fellas. I remember. I was there.

Daniels menacingly says, “I’m afraid that Wayne Palmer’s actions are the proof in this matter … that indeed he is unable to discharge his duties.” Cue dramatic music. What else did we think he was going to say?

9:09 Lennox calls for the Cabinet to take a recess and reconvene for a vote in ten minutes. I can barely stand the tension.

9:13 Milo asks Nadia if there’s been any word on the Cabinet vote. Word travels fast among government agencies, doesn’t it? It’s been four minutes, and we have low-level intelligence agents discussing what just happened in the White House bunker among the Cabinet.

9:14 Milo and Nadia discuss “the other thing.” Milo then promises Nadia, “I’m not going to forget about the kiss, and I don’t think you are either.” But we have, Milo.

9:15 Doyle calls Nadia up to his office. Yay! Just what I was hoping for – more bureaucratic squabbling! Just what the show needs to get back on track.

9:16 Doyle informs Nadia that the terrorists were able to access CTU’s system because Milo screwed up and logged the wrong security parameters. So he’s asking Nadia to covertly check Milo’s computer to help Milo save face and drum up possible conflict? Forget about the suitcase nukes. The greatest threat to Southern California is CTU boring all of Los Angeles to death.

9:17 The Cabinet vote results in a 7-7 tie, keeping Wayne in office. But Daniels claims Karen was never reinstated as National Security Advisor, so her vote doesn’t count. The Attorney General suggests reconvening the Supreme Court from their afternoon session – at 12:30 in the middle of the night. Good thing the Supreme Court has experience deciding contested elections …

9:24 Nadia fools Milo into checking her computer, while she gets on his computer and discovers that he didn’t refresh the security parameters. Doyle alters the log so that Division will never know Milo fucked up. I continue not giving a shit.

9:26 Doyle inexplicably quotes the Koran and reveals to us that he’s read the Bible, the Torah, and The Secret, but that he still hasn’t found the answers he’s looking for. Doyle really needs to start watching Oprah.

9:27 Milo looks back at Nadia and knows something is going on. Honestly, does anyone care? Please someone out there post a comment to let me know that there is one tortured soul in this universe that gives a flying fuck about Milo or Nadia … By the way, Chloe and Morris have all but disappeared – and that’s not a complaint.

9:28 Karen calls Bill to update him on the Washington situation. Bill reassures Karen that “Daniels hasn’t got a case and the Supreme Court will agree.” How the hell did Bill know that the decision had gone to the Supreme Court? Bill and Karen miss each other and whatnot and so on and so forth. (More filler.)

9:29 Gredenko’s attorney verifies his immunity agreements. Gredenko’s attorney? Johnnie Cochran.

9:30 Arguments must be submitted to the Supreme Court in writing in ten minutes. That’s right. Apparently, the Supreme Court has convened – in 13 minutes – and decided that statements must be presented. Sandra says that Daniels’ actions prove their case. I still hate her.

9:32 Lisa suggests that she swear an affidavit that Daniels instructed her to inform Karen Hayes that he had no intention of reinstating her. Daniels agrees and gently takes Lisa’s hand. Finally, the writers get around to addressing yet another problem this season – not enough characters playing kissy face.

9:34 Fayed drops off the suitcase nukes before meeting Gredenko at the Santa Monica Pier.

9:35 Less than three minutes after their conversation took place, Lennox reveals that he installed a micro-transmitter in the conference room and has a recording of Daniels and Lisa conspiring to commit perjury. Apparently, Lennox is just sitting in his office listening to a live feed at all times. This is the single stupidest twist of the season so far.

9:41 Sandra enters with news that Daniels dropped his challenge to the presidency. Wayne instructs Karen to address the Cabinet. Why does Karen act like his Chief of Staff all the time? She’s the National Security Advisor. This really bothers me.

9:42 Jack plants a transmitter on Gredenko and injects an isotope in his arm to track his movements. I can’t believe 24 is using the same pier they used in The O.C. Jack and Gredenko should stop in at the diner for some late-night pancakes and a romantic ride on the Ferris wheel.

9:44 Jack trails Gredenko, who’s grabbed by two of Fayed’s henchmen. Gredenko tells Fayed that he’s being tracked and that there’s only one way to escape.

9:46 Jack discovers Gredenko’s arm and picks up his blood trail. Jack always seems to find a blood trail when he needs one.

9:54 Gredenko rats outs Fayed inside a bar of rowdy drunks. After kicking him in the head, Jack apprehends Fayed, but Gredenko has escaped.

9:55 Wayne is starting to look rabid. This can’t be good. He demands his doctor give him yet another adrenaline shot. Who does he think he is? Jack Bauer?

9:56 Bill updates Wayne and informs him that they still don’t know where the last two nukes are. Wayne ominously says that’s all he needed to know.

9:57 Gredenko slowly dies in an especially artsy death scene for such a marginal villain. Moonlight under the pier with waves crashing down upon his lifeless corpse. What is this? A student film?

9:58 Karen asks Lennox to declare a truce, but he refuses to reveal what forced Daniels to withdraw his suit.

9:59 Lennox gets a call that the President is going through with the nuclear strike.

LENNOX: “This makes no sense!”

If only he could tell the writers that …

9:59:58 … 9:59:59 … 10:00:00.

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