4:00 PM - 5:00 PM "HEEERE'S CARSON!"

4:03 Gredenko says it will take two hours to assemble the delivery systems and another hour to deliver the payload. So three hours until the rest of these suitcase nukes are put into play? Hey, Gredenko hates Muslims too!

4:04 President Palmer welcomes Ambassador X from unspecified Muslim Country X. The Ambassador gets into a tizzy over the couple thousand people Assad murdered a few years back. Doesn’t he know that holding grudges isn’t healthy?

4:07 Jack asks CTU to set up a five-mile perimeter around the Grandmont Hotel to catch his father in a net. Jack lost track of his father almost nine minutes ago. Shouldn’t he have called Bill immediately after talking to Logan? What has he been doing?

Bill asks Jack, “How the hell did you trace this to Logan?” and proceeds to crap his pants.

Bill tells Jack that Logan brokered a closed-door deal that covered up his involvement in the terrorist plot two years ago. Logan is currently under house arrest in his Hidden Valley Ranch – also a delicious dressing.

4:08 Jack and Marilyn play kissy face before he ships them back off to the hornet’s nest that is CTU. Always a good decision. I’m sure they’ll be fine there. Jack also promises Josh that he’ll explain everything when all this is over. You know, about how he’s his real dad and everything.

Marilyn thanks Jack for everything, and the two have perhaps the worst dialogue exchange in the show’s recent history.

MARILYN: Thank you. Thank you for saving my son.

JACK: He reminds me of you. You can see it in his eyes.

Well, he is her son, Jack. That would make sense. Jack then gently caresses her face. There is no caressing on 24! No stroking, cuddling, or embracing – nothing in the “caressing” family. Son of a bitch! What are we watching? Days Of Our Lives?

4:09 Reed meets Bruce Carson at the bunker’s security check point. Boy, Secret Service does a real thorough search of this dude’s briefcase. “Hmmm, let’s see here. Well, this yellow Hi-Liter seems to be working just fine. Doesn’t look like it’ll be running out of ink any time soon. And yes, Test 1, 2, 3. This tape recorder’s batteries seem to be working properly. Won’t need to be needing to make a Staples run, I suppose. Very well, sir. On your way …”

4:10 Reed insists that Carson begin making the bomb in the boiler room. Carson is more preoccupied with staging Lennox’s death, but Reed assures him that Lennox will be back on board once the Vice-President assumes power. What a schmuck.

4:17 After telling an aide that Lennox is in a meeting downstairs, Reed makes the old “Conference B” mistake. Stepped right into that one.

4:18 Morris is soooo wasted. I mean, he can’t even track the traveling vectors back to the subnet. And he totally specified the wrong slot assignment on the SIP adapter. What a drunk …

Morris suggests that every CTU workstation have a Breathalyzer to check agents’ blood alcohol levels. You know, at CTU, that might not be a bad idea.

4:19 With Milo no longer available to complain, Nadia begins yet another round of tedious and boring CTU bureaucratic musical chairs. Chloe leaves a message for Morris’ sponsor Jeannie to call her back.

4:21 Jack meets Logan at his Hidden Valley Ranch. Logan claims that he’s “not the same man he was two years ago” and has “reconnected with his faith.” Logan insists he can help by contacting Russian Consul General Anatoly Markov.

4:29 Jack asks Palmer to grant Logan temporary furlough. Palmer calls Logan a criminal and mentions that he killed his brother two years ago.

4:30 Logan gets in the line of the night: “This isn’t easy for you, is it Jack?” The possibility that I may not be the same man you hated for so long.”

4:31 Gredenko inspects the U.S. military aerial drones that will drop the bombs on their targets.

4:32 Bill relieves Morris of his duties in the conference room. Morris makes drunkenly stirring, slurring speech that changes Bill’s mind. Nadia publicly disagrees with Bill – because her own father was an alcoholic! Okay, I just made that up, but I’m sure this will come up eventually.

4:34 Reed returns after once again dodging questions about Lennox’s whereabouts. Carson tells Reed, “You can’t go soft on us now.” Smock and Grossman immediately begin giggling at their joke. “That’s what Hillary Swank said.”

4:39 Nadia digs her heels in about Morris over some fucking paperwork. Chloe once again questions Morris, who responds with his trademark charming sarcasm: “Just had a couple of beers, love. Didn’t know that would be a problem.”

4:41 Logan picks out his wardrobe for his return from exile. Nice tie selection. Ahhh yes, the obligatory American flag lapel pin. He looks at himself in the mirror and starts reciting Bible verses. This is getting creepy.

4:42 Jack puts a tie on for the first time in three and a half years after working for the DOD. It’s nice to see him getting himself cleaned up.

4:43 Chloe gets a call from Jeannie, who says she hasn’t spoken to Morris in three years since leaving AA. Chloe busts into the men’s room and interrupts Morris in a “Flank 2 position.”

4:44 Morris explains that Jeannie hasn’t been his sponsor in years and that he has a new one. So why did he have her number in his phone if she’s not his sponsor anymore? Odd. Once Chloe leaves the bathroom, Morris empties out the rest of his bottle of scotch.

4:46 Lennox tells Reed to bug off by telling him, “I was against you from the start.”

4:47 Carson finishes assembling the bomb by pouring liquids from the Hi-Liters into his tape recorder. Great, now we won’t be able to take Hi-Liters on planes now. Way to go, 24.

4:54 Reed looks like a rat creeping around the bunker. Can’t the Secret Service agents and military officials detect creepiness? Reed hides the cassette explosive underneath the podium.

4:56 Assad and Palmer share some friendly last words. Can’t you see Osama and George exchanging pleasantries? This is how you know the show takes place in Fantasyland.

4:57 Lennox tries to increase the pressure valves in the boiler room before being caught by Carson.

4:58 Just before Reed activates the bomb, Assad screams “Bomb!” and Wayne ducks down while Assad gets blown to smithereens. Assad is definitely dead, Wayne will make it but he’s going to be out of commission for a few episodes. Daniels will most likely assume control for a couple of hours before Wayne gets put back in charge

4:58:58 … 4:58:59 … 5:00:00.

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3:00 PM - 4:00 PM "MORRIS: THE CURIOUSLY ANNOYING CTU AGENT"

Editor’s Note: The better these episodes get, the less there is for me to bitch about.

3:03 Milo drags Marilyn’s dumb ass to a service area behind a warehouse. I don’t know how I’ll sleep if they kill off Milo.

3:05 After shutting his door, Cromwell asks Hacker, “So is my son dead?” and after getting the news, pauses for almost three seconds before saying, “Well, it had to be done.” Hey, maybe Cromwell isn’t so bad after all!

3:06 Milo tells Marilyn to run as fast as she can when he starts firing. Milo is obviously not a field agent. What is he doing firing a full round without ducking? These dudes have automatic rifles, and he’s standing there with a handgun and no vest. Duck, for God’s – and … down he goes.

3:07 Jack is such a badass. He’s like an angry dad breaking up his kids’ fight. Can’t you hear him now? “On your knees. Interlace your fingers, Junior.” I love how he’s just mercilessly beating the shit out of Hacker. We may finally have a worthy successor to All-Time Punching Bag Champion Alan York from Season 1.

3:08 Gentleman Jack almost breaks Marilyn’s neck throwing her against a garage door. Marilyn gives up Gredenko’s location.

3:09 Jack hangs up on Bill, who has now lost all control over CTU, and wonders aloud to himself, “How could I have been so stupid?” Honestly, Jack. How could you not have known that your evil father killed your scheming brother and plotted with a president to assassinate another president and is responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths? Dumbass …

3:14 Chloe is giving Morris shit about not finishing his “vectors.” He was getting a hole drilled through his bone marrow an hour ago, bitch. Lay off the poor bastard. Nadia tells them about Milo, and Morris gets all pissy. “Thanks for rubbing that salt in the wound.” Morris, you’re such a whiny ass.

3:18 What kind of hotel did Cromwell check into? A plasma screen and three rooms? I didn’t have running water in the Super 8 I stayed in.

3:19 Cromwell gets the call from Marilyn. Why would he not shut the door when he’s talking about killing Josh? What a convenient plot device … Gee, I wonder if Josh overhears him. Jack gets the address.

3:21 Josh says he’s going downstairs to get a soda before Cromwell stops him at gunpoint from leaving the room. The writers must have some sort of contest to see if they can make Cromwell even more evil every 15 minutes.

3:26 Oh, right. We’re in the middle of a presidential assassination plot. Lennox meets with Reed again to give him Wayne’s itinerary.

3:29 Morris buys whatever everyone buys at a seedy L.A. convenience store – a carton of cigs, a pint of whiskey, and some Altoids. At last! After six seasons, someone finally takes lunch on this show.

3:30 Morris starts chugging the whiskey, before sticking a finger down his throat to make himself throw up. His character just gets more and more appealing with every episode. Chloe sure can pick a winner, can’t she?

None of this should come as a surprise though. I’m surprised more CTU employees aren’t alcoholics. Hell, Tony was hammered doing field work for half of Season 4.

3:31 Only 24 could find some sexual tension in Jack’s ex strapping on a bullet proof vest. Of course, this is like foreplay for Jack. Nothing turns him on more the sound of Velcro being ripped apart.

3:32 Jack beats the shit out of Hacker. Again.

3:37 Morris visits Milo in the clinic, where he says, “You don’t have to downplay it to make me feel better.” What a bunch of sour grapes. The whole world revolves around you, doesn’t it, Morris? I might actually feel bad for you if you weren’t feeling bad enough for all of us, you sullen drunkard.

3:38 Reed asks Lennox to authorize security to allow his hit man in once again. Lennox gets cold feet and calls Secret Service to alert them to the attempt. I knew he would turn up good.

Reed smacks him Lennox in the head with a flashlight. Shit. You know, none of this would be happening if Aaron were still working in Secret Service and not engaged to Martha Logan somewhere.

3:41 Chloe confronts Morris about his drinking problem. I like that they’re giving Chloe some deeper subject matter to deal with, even if it does involve her insecure sourpuss of an ex-husband. But it’s nice to see her acting more mature for once and not spouting off inappropriate one-liners like an awkward teenager.

3:42 The CTU team enters Grendenko’s safe house to find that he’s split. Chloe texts Jack’s cell to tell him that Grendenko isn’t at the location: “OMG! Grendenko’s MIA! Morris is drunk! LOL!”

3:44 Jack, Marilyn and Hacker find that Cromwell has checked out of his hotel room. And he’s stolen … towels from the washroom! Pure evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

3:45 Jack agrees to trade himself in exchange for Josh. Couldn’t Jack just trade Kim instead? That way, we’d all be winners!

3:46 Jack beats the shit out of Hacker. Again.

3:51 Milo confronts Chloe about Morris’ drinking problem after smelling it on his breath. Guess those Altoids aren’t as curiously strong as they should be.

3:53 Jack leaves Marilyn in the stairwell with a gun and offers some quick firing lessons. “Know how to use this?,” he asks. Point and shoot.” Jack’s such a good teacher. I would love to see Jack Bauer’s character in a remake of the 1990 classic “Kindergarten Cop.” “It’s not a tumor, dammit! Now get in time out! (Fires his weapon over small child’s head holding a baloney sandwich) We are running out of time!”

Marilyn touches Jack’s face with her hand so longingly. Just kiss already. Audrey is not going to be happy when she hears about this. Jack is such a player.

3:54 Jack finds Cromwell and Josh in the machine room on the roof. Josh escapes as Jack gives himself up, and Jack has a heart-to-heart with dear old Dad.

3:55 Cromwell tells Jack that Gredenko blackmailed him into keeping the nukes after finding out about his role in the Palmer assassination, and that he’s been looking for Gredenko “to stop the attacks.” Jack calls bullshit.

3:58 Jack’s dying confession to his father? “I was never good enough for you.”

3:59 Jack spills his guts before being murdered execution style by his father. But he turns around and finds that the old bird has escaped again. He finds a cell phone with the text message “JACK. CALL 310.597.3781.” I called the number this afternoon. Totally disappointing. No message from Kiefer or anything. Don’t get my hopes up like that.

On the other end of the line is President Logan, who wants to see Jack about finding Gredenko. What has Logan been doing since resigning from office 18 months ago? Evilly stroking his new Al Gore beard, of course.

3:59:58 … 3:59:59 … 4:00:00

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LINKAGE

While Johnny is slaving away recapping every minute of every hour, I'm slacking off a bit this week. So I felt like it was time to unleash 24 related stories on all [3 of] you readers! Check the last one for a trivia quiz.

• New Yorker article on co-creator and exec-producer Joel Surnow and his politics. It's pretty long and of course delves into the whole "real life imitating 24 torture" sort of thing that every article seems to be picking up these days. Thanks for this Kevin!
• Chicago Tribune columnist wonders "Is Wayne Palmer the Barack Obama of 24?". Short answer from exec-producer Howard Gordon? No. Click for his longer answer and similarities.
• An Arab-American writes a column for the WSJ web page defending 24's use of Muslims as terrorists in various seasons. Best quote in my mind: "So CAIR thinks it's over the top for the terrorists in '24' to blow up Los Angeles with a nuke? Please, if bin Laden and his crew had nukes, most of us would be way too dead to argue over such points."
• The producers of 24 recently met with an anti-torture group and actual interrogators about 24's depiction of torture. Most surprising is that the producers were urged to make the depictions of torture more realistic, as in taking weeks or months to break someone - or possibly not breaking them, or having them die. A-fucking-men, most of these terrorists are complete bitches when tortured. Nice commitment to jihad suckers! Also mentioned is how the writers come up with some of these situations.
• A 24 writer responds to recent statements from military officials saying they are concerned with the idea that soldiers are learning techniques from the show. Basically he's saying that he'd expect the military to train a little better than sitting soldiers in front of a TV. It could be worse though - what if they watched According to Jim instead of 24? The techniques learned on that show ... I shudder to think.
• And finally: it's a month or so old, but here's some San Diego newspaper's 24 trivia quiz. Haven't taken it yet, but will post results soon. Of course, it's so old-media of them to make you tabulate your own score instead of having an online quiz. Assholes. Post your scores in the comments!

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2:00 PM - 3:00 PM "I THINK JACK'S DAD IS A BAD GUY"

2:02 Fayed arrives on the roof of some building in a chopper. Where is he stopping? And wouldn’t CTU notice an unauthorized chopper flying through L.A.’s skies?

2:03 Fayed calls up Gredenko. Gredenko mentions that the delivery systems are on route and have left Nevada.

2:04 Convenient. Fayed left his laptop in the building. CTU always finds a useful laptop when they need it, don’t they?

2:06 Why is everyone staring at Jack so awkwardly? Bill mentions that Graem’s body is in the morgue. I love that CTU has a prison, a morgue, and a clinic, but apparently no cafeteria.

2:07 How is Phillip Bauer able to operate inside CTU alone with no supervision? So now he’s killed his son and is erasing his call log? And would that even matter? Don’t phone companies keep call records anyway?

2:08 Cromwell tells Jack that “Whatever your brother may have done, he didn’t deserve this.” I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Pops. Stealing his brother’s girl while Jack was overseas. Assassinating a former president and two federal agents. Smuggling in twenty canisters of deadly nerve gas. Conspiring with the President to help assassinate a Russian president. Sending his brother off to a Chinese prison. Masterminding yet another plot with five suitcase nukes on U.S. soil. Yes. Yes, he did.

2:09 Cromwell is pure evil. “Whatever you need to know died with him.” Are you kidding?

2:10 “Josh is taking the death of his father pretty hard. Leave him alone, Jack. Let him grieve in peace.” So not only did he murder his own son, but he’s letting his other son take the blame and guilt on himself. Phillip Bauer, ladies and gentlemen. Once again, Father of the Year …

2:11 Chloe visits Morris. Morris whines about how he’s responsible for the nukes. Chloe says, “You can’t blame yourself.” I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Potato Face. He actually did reprogram the detonator, enabling Fayed to set off three other nuclear bombs. So yes. Yes, he actually can.

2:12 Phillip once again makes an untraceable phone call inside CTU. If only CTU was able to intercept calls inside its own building … Any time Fayed makes a call to someone miles away, CTU picks it up in a second, but Cromwell has some magic phone. Cromwell wants Gredenko killed. Wow, customer service really does come first at BXJ.

2:13 Bill tells Jack that the toxicology report shows that the hyocine-pentathol caused Graem’s coronary. But wouldn’t that also show that there was more of the drug in Graem’s system than Jack ordered Burke to administer? Oh, who has time for details?

2:14 Jack tells Bill that he “lost control. I tried to tell you I didn’t think I could do this. This job. I wanted to kill my brother.” I’m glad the writers are coming back to this plotline – the fact that Jack wasn’t ready to do field work, let alone have any semblance of a normal life after 18 months in a Chinese prison. At least they didn’t just drop it like that whole heroin addiction thing in Season 3 …

2:15 Bill tells Jack he’ll just alter the report. After all, they did cover up Jack’s death two years ago. Apparently, CTU Division will believe anything.

2:21 Vice-President Daniels calls Wayne to voice his displeasure with the President’s decision. “And you hope to obtain that by letting a known terrorist leader address the public on American airwaves? The man has murdered countless innocents over the past twenty years, and you are putting the hope for this country’s safety on him.” Well, when you put it THAT way …

2:23 This is a great scene between Assad and Wayne – both leaders choosing an unpopular course. Why isn’t Wayne listening to him? Does Wayne remember anything about his brother’s administration? You know, the one where his cabinet rebelled, he was targeted for assassination twice, and he was threatened with political blackmail? Oh, guess not.

2:25 Lennox is too smart to conspire with Reed, going into this blind. If he helps, he’ll screw them over somehow. Reed needs the President’s itinerary? What itinerary? Don’t they do all major speeches from the bunker now?

2:31 Jack offers condolences to Marilyn. This isn’t awkward at all. “So, uh, sorry there about torturing and killing your husband …”

2:33 Jack tries extracting information from Marilyn. Honestly, how is Phillip Bauer allowed to slither around CTU like a viper?

2:35 Jack goes to tell Bill about the new lead on Gredenko. Why is Jack asking Bill for permission to follow up the lead? What happened to all that talk about “not working for CTU anymore?” Jack Bauer doesn’t ask permission from anyone.

2:36 Phillip quizzes Marilyn about where she’s going with Jack. Marilyn asks Phillip to stay with Josh, and he insists that he take Josh out of CTU. I’m sure this will end well.

2:38 Jack ignores his dad creepily watching them through the window and tells Marilyn, “I promise not to put you in any danger.” Sure. That’s like Paris Hilton telling a guy, “I promise not to give you the clap.”

2:43 Morris throws a pity party for himself, and Chloe smacks the shit out of him. Morris responds by saying, “If you’re going to try and save a bloke, save someone who’s worth it.” What a pussy! And Chloe doesn’t take kindly to pussies.

2:45 Jack drives Marilyn to the neighborhood where she thinks she once followed Garem to Gredenko’s house. Marilyn makes awkward small talk with Jack during their trip down Memory Lane “I can’t imagine what you went through in China.” Nice ice-breaker, Toots.

2:47 Cromwell is the devil. He calls Marilyn and confesses to Graem’s death and threatens to murder his grandson. “I already lost a son today. Don’t make me lose a grandson.” Phillip Bauer, ladies and gentlemen. Grandfather of the Year …

2:48 Just tell Jack about the plot, Marilyn! Why is every female on this show so fucking stupid? It’s just your kid. He’ll escape in some zany plot a few hours from now anyway.

2:49 Gredenko says, “Arabs serve a purpose. Our country lost the Cold War because it was afraid to use these weapons. Today we will correct this mistake, and the Arabs will take all the blame.” I love that 24 never comes out and just blames Islamic fundamentalists outright. It’s actually the Russians who are evil, using the Muslim extremists as pawns. Lousy Russians.

2:53 Morris decides to grow a pair and come back to work. Jesus, I know you just had a hole drilled in your back, but button up your shirt, you sassy bastard. CTU has a “No Chest Hair” policy for all agents. Or does someone need to brush up on their Employee Handbook?

2:54 Phillip takes Josh to a hotel. This whole thing is going to end badly. He’s blonde. His last name is Bauer. The kid is a ticking time bomb. It’s only a matter of time before cousin Kim comes to the rescue.

2:55 After giving Jack and the team the wrong address, Marilyn decides to fess up as they move in. What a lazy and weak plot device. Shit or get off the pot, honey. Either tell him or don’t, but don’t just stand there whining, “But, ooooh, Jack, there’s, ummm, something I, ahhh, need, errrr, to tell you …”

2:57 Why does Jack always refuse to wear a vest? Noone’s questioning your manhood, Jack. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Bomb! Jack sure can jump headfirst through a window better than anyone on television.

2:58 Milo takes Marilyn in the van to escape. Pretty nifty stunt driving with that big old van. Milo turns out to be a badass. Score – grenades! I really wish Milo had just thrown one at them instead of blowing up the van. You know, really knock them on their asses.

2:59 Jack calls for EMT. Holy. Shit.

2:59:58 … 2:59:59 … 3:00:00

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1:00 PM - 2:00 PM "BACK ON TRACK"

1:02 Jack is in the chopper, tracking McCarthy. Chloe has trouble with the satellite due to apparent emotional distress.

1:03 Bill learns of Graem’s death about three minutes after.

1:04 Chloe misses one lousy satellite feed, and Milo asks to remove her because of her apparent emotional distress over Morris. This latest bureaucratic shuffle took less than minutes. Remember the old days when it took hours to remove someone? Or back when Tony or Michelle operated with each other kidnapped all the time?

1:05 McCarthy sees the chopper overhead. Finally, some f’in’ action.

1:06 Where does McCarthy think he’s going, moving through traffic like the LAPD are on his ass? There’s a damn chopper tracking him! Then his dumb-as-a-rock girlfriend Rita asks “Are they still there?” Ha.

Oh, the 110 interchange overpass. Crafty bugger, that McCarthy …

1:07 McCarthy begins checking cars for keys like the contestants at the end of the old Hollywood Squares. What the hell? Does everyone on this show know how to hotwire a car? I guess …

1:08 Jack lands the chopper on two trucks. Awesome. Rita gives McCarthy some grief about his plan. “You did not tell me this was about nuclear bombs.” Jesus, women are such a pain the ass.

1:09 Jack is always a minute too late, isn’t he? I also like how the writers are, for once, utilizing L.A.’s unbelievably confusing and complex freeway system as a plotpoint.

1:10 Cool window split-screen between Chloe and Morris. Fayed gives McCarthy the address. Why can’t CTU just intercept this call like they do the rest of the time?

1:11 Morris is overjoyed when Rita kills McCarthy. Ahhhh, good twist. She’s doing it for her own payday. It was only a matter of time before 24 introduced its first retarded female character this season – other than Sandra Palmer. Hey, maybe that’s why this week’s episodes were so good. No Sandra Palmer!

1:16 President Palmer extends olive branch to Lennox, revealing that he was the one who convinced him to run. Lennox is so Karl Rove.

1:17 TIME CHECK: The plane carrying Hassad lands at Andrews Air Force Base roughly three hours after leaving Los Angeles – 4:00 P.M. EST. Isn’t LAX to Dulles a 6-hour domestic flight? I’m just curious if military aircraft can cut that time in half. Maybe they can …

1:18 Lennox finally loses it like a caged squirrel. MacNicol is still this season’s most valuable player. So good. I’ve been waiting for this explosion all season.

1:19 Lennox comments that Wayne is certainly “not his brother.” He’s right. President David Palmer would never have allowed Lennox in the administration in the first place.

1:20 Reed speaks with “Carson” by phone about some sinister plot to remove Wayne. Another president being removed in the course of a day … Old wine in new bottles, I guess. But really, really good wine.

1:21 Marilyn and Josh arrive at CTU. Someone’s definitely not coming out alive. The Bauer family doesn’t have very good luck in this building. Bill ensures Marilyn that “there will be a thorough investigation” involving Graem’s death. Question: Has CTU ever conducted a thorough investigation of anything?

1:22 Jack sure did get lucky finding McCarthy’s body so quickly and so close to the 110 interchange.

1:24 Morris tells Fayed, “Not bloody likely, mate.” Morris is such a wimp. He’s going to reprogram the bombs in 2 seconds once Fayed starts really working on him. Ouch. Are they beating him with a 9-iron?

1:30 Chloe helps Milo trace the call back to Fayed and runs a sat-com overlay filter because the number strings are caught on a loop matrix. I got my boss coffee this morning.

Chloe saves the day and locates Fayed’s address, thus ending the most contrived and quickest CTU worker upheaval ever. Chloe’s emotional distress has disappeared.

1:32 Assad arrives at the President’s bunker. I find it hard to believe that Wayne would negotiate with him directly face-to-face. There goes that whole “We don’t negotiate with terrorists” thing. Nice going, Wayne …

1:35 Jack gets briefed at the building of Morris’ location by Agent Billy Bush. Inside, Chloe and Nadia track the residents with thermal imaging. Jack asks if the building is linked to the city’s fire emergency system. Chloe replies that all L.A. apartments with more than 10 units are required to. Does she know all useless Los Angeles city code?

1:37 Fayed tells Morris that his “time is up” and drills a hole in Morris’ shoulder blade with a power drill. Yeah, he’s going to feel that tomorrow.

Fayed kills Dumb Blonde. Absolutely shocking. Seriously, I did not see that coming.

1:38 Morris gives in and agrees to program the detonator. What a pussy …

1:43 Reed pitches the idea of removing the President to Lennox. I think Lennox is more of a patriot than I took him for. He’s devious, and he’ll do what he wants to get his way as long as nobody gets hurt, but I think he plays by the rules for the most part.

1:46 CTU sure is good with obtaining computer records of apartment residents in a pickle.

1:47 Question for Smock. McCarthy said this job could be done in a few minutes by an advanced programmer. Does this mean Smock could arm a suitcase nuke?

1:48 Morris goes ahead and arms the nuke. What a fucktard.

1:49 Jack is always a minute too late, isn’t he? Good shootout inside the apartment.

1:50 Jack discovers suitcase nuke and delivers the line of the night: “CTU, this is Bauer. We got a problem.”

1:55 Chloe talks Jack through disarming a nuclear bomb. Shouldn’t there have been a bomb squad outside with the field team??? Why does Jack have to do this?

1:56 Jack: “Come on, Chloe, we are running out of time.”

1:57 Jack: “Chloe, we are almost out of time.”

1:58 Jack disarms the bomb and chastises Morris for giving Fayed something that actually works with the nuke. I can’t imagine being yelled at by Jack Bauer, but it would probably be quickly followed by me crapping my pants.

1:59 Lennox changes his mind after reading the flash about Fayed? That’s all it takes? Lennox is playing him. He’ll be a mole inside this splinter group, gaining intelligence for the President.

1:59:58 … 1:59:59 … 2:00:00

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JACK BAUER RESPONSIBLE FOR ABU GHRAIB

The Associated Press reported yesterday that U.S. interrogators are now taking advice from and following the example of one Jack Bauer’s interrogation techniques.

The article cites Jack’s torture of Syed Ali in Season 2. Jack threatens Ali at gunpoint and then shows him via satellite his family, who have been captured and are being held at gunpoint. Jack then orders one of Ali’s sons shot, and the soldier holding them then stages the son’s death to extract information from Ali.

According to the article, more and more interrogations are now involving “mock executions.” You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking.

This is totally cool.

The article also mentions that “many American interrogators are young, receive little training and are pressured by commanders to extract information from prisoners as quickly as they can.” In other words, they must do it now.

In fact, one military academy professor says that “Jack Bauer represents one of his biggest training challenges.”

A challenge? With all due respect, Professor, Jack Bauer is a hero and a patriot. To call him anything otherwise is blasphemous. You should be thanking Jack Bauer for assisting your young cadets, offering his own unique perspective and sharing his more-often-than-not effective interrogation methods.

Retired U.S. Army Col. Stu Herrington even goes so far as to say that if Bauer worked for him, he’d be headed for a court-martial.

You would be headed for a court martial. You could be thrown in prison for treason, saying something like that about Jack Bauer. “Colonel Stu” apparently doesn’t have the balls Bill Buchanan does.

“I am distressed by the fact that the good guys are depicted as successfully employing what I consider are illegal, immoral and stupid tactics, and they're succeeding,” Herrington said. “When the good guys are doing something evil and win, that bothers me.”

No, good sir, you bother me.

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ITS HARDER TO RUN OUT OF TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TWO HOURS

With a 2 hour block of episodes coming up tonight, we've got to have some sort of big event coming up, right? Jesus I hope so, because the season is starting to sag a bit and that's just not what I expect from 24 - it's been made that much worse for me since Rome, airing just a night before, has been kicked up to high gear lately. Sure Jack occasionally (ok, all the time) needs to torture someone; but Atia just had a grown woman gang raped, whipped within an inch of her life, and had her scalp cut open so her face was masked in blood. And then almost cut off her entire face. Jack's had to rescue his daughter Kim a few times, right? Well Vorenus just had to go rescue his kids from a slave camp they were sold to, which included finding out his oldest daughter was forced into prostitution - and walking in just as some dude was going to pound her. Needless to say people were brutally murdered as a result. Oh, and Vorenus has also cut off his share of heads to parade around (although with a sword, not a hacksaw).

OK, enough of that, some wildly inaccurate predictions below:

• Phillip Bauer will somehow escape. Not quite sure how, since he's the last person to be alone with his son who is now dead, and there's a used syringe that he just placed down beside the body, and CTU probably has a perimeter set up - but somehow he's going to get away. I'm sure Graem's wife has some info that will be of use to Jack, but even more so the son will have seen or heard something that his "father" had been talking about, forcing Jack to apply pressure. Count on it.
• VP Powers Boothe (or as I will call him VP Tolliver) will snarl and be pissy because President Wayne won't man up and intern Muslims, so he and Tom will make some sort of plot to undermine Wayne because they are patriots and sometimes people need to do the hard thing and oh my God how many times can we use this plot in one show?
• Sandra Palmer will whine about civil liberties and be a generally useless addition to the show.
• Morris will make quips and either his brother is actually being used against him or Chloe will somehow be lured out. Either way he's going to be seeing Fayed pretty soon - and it's a safe bet he's not going to chew on anyone's throat.
• Karen will arrive at CTU LA halfway through the episode because she's on some sort of magic plane that can fly across the country in an hour.

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AUDREY RUNS OUT OF TIME?

24's Kim Raver (Audrey Raines) has signed on to star in NBC's Lipstick Jungle, a show created by Candace Bushnell (Sex and the City) that revolves around a group of powerful Manhattan women.

Raver will play the glamorous editor-in-chief of pop-culture magazine 'Bonfire.'

No word yet as to whether she will be allowed to use her go-to move on 24 -- Audrey's trademark removal of the eyeglasses to convey shock and/or emotional distress.

Raver most recently starred in ABC's cancelled The Nine, where she apparently played Audrey Raines getting held hostage in a bank robbery.

I'm assuming this means Raines' character won't be back for Season 7 then and has since joined Kate Warner in the "Jack Bauer Is A Poopyhead" Club.

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12:00 PM - 1:00 PM "BROUGHT TO YOU BY PHILLIP-MORRIS"

12:02 A local reporter stands on the edge of the “safe zone.” So reporters on the Gulf coast report from the middle of hurricanes. Reporters in Southern California report from the edge of nuclear radiation fallout. They do have one thing in common though. They’re all fucking idiots.

12:03 President Palmer knows that Lennox is up to no good. But honestly, MacNicol is the show’s rookie of the year. Great character and perfect casting. While I don’t mind the back-and-forth on this debate, we need to wrap it up. Palmer’s calling the cabinet together to discuss the suspension of habeas corpus, and Tom is giddy as a school girl. Which can only mean one thing: There’s no way Wayne goes for this.

12:05 Karen tells Bill she’s resigned and can’t talk about it right now. Then she hangs up on him and doesn’t pick up his call. Ehhhh, trouble in paradise?

12:06 Chloe tells Bill that Jack has gone dark. Bill just blankly stares at Chloe and, with the look of an amused and knowing father, Bill basically says, “I’m sure he’ll turn up sooner or later.” They don’t even worry about Jack anymore. The man has come back from the dead like seven times. He’ll be fine …

12:07 Jack and Papa Bauer share a moment in the back of a van before being executed. Phillip tells Jack that he built the family for him. Why? So he could torture them?

12:08 Knowing that Phillip is in cahoots with Graem, I have a question. Are the two hit men in on this? And if not, how is there any guarantee that Phillip and Jack escape this? Was the original plan to just kill Jack and not Phillip? Did Phillip shoot the other hit man because he knew too much? And why would the hit men agree to this plan knowing full well they would be shot?

12:09 I love that the writers almost gloss over Jack and his father’s amazing escape. In Season 2, Jack’s escape from the men trying to blow up CTU was like a 15-minute battle that took an entire episode to cover. They took care of these fuckers in 15 seconds. Please … Jack picks up his 18th cell phone of the day off the dead goon.

12:10 McCarthy calls Fayed and tells him that he’s found “someone” to help arm the other nukes, but that he’ll have to be coerced. Hm, wonder who it could be …

12:15 Five minutes later, using their magical “Chatter Detector,” CTU intercepts the phone call between McCarthy and Fayed. Makes you wonder how Jack wasn’t able to nail Nina in the first four episodes of Season 1.

12:16 Wow, CTU even intercepted a “data image” of the prospective engineer. How effin’ convenient! Why don’t they just hop in their time machine and go back six hours and take out Fayed?

12:17 Marilyn senses that “something is wrong.” Gee, honey, have you met your husband?

12:18 Josh is angry about Uncle Jack arresting his dad. He’s going to do something stupid. I can feel it. Classic case of an 11-year-old outsmarting a CTU field ops team.

12:20 Marilyn tells Jack that she “knows what happens when [he] tries to protect people.” But does she know what happens to Jack’s family members and loved ones when they get debriefed at CTU? I’m sure nothing bad will happen to either of them at all.

12:24 CTU always amazes me with their magic technology. Burke tells Jack that Graem’s “perspiration and temperature patterns indicate deception, especially his last reply.” That’s funny. My bullshit detector is also indicating bullshit, especially this last scene. And as if Jack needed a “machine” to tell him if someone is lying …

12:24 Uh oh. It’s that creepy silver Torture Box! Remember when they used that on Gayel. And Audrey. And Heller’s son. And Henderson.

12:28 Morris’ brother has radiation exposure in Valencia? Morris decides to call the hospital but doesn’t try his brother’s cell phone? Isn’t that the first thing you would call? And how did McCarthy get inside CTU’s system to post the report about Morris’ brother? And what were the chances Milo would catch it? This plot isn’t at all like Adam’s sister being exposed to the weaponized virus in Season 3. Or Edgar’s mother being exposed to nuclear power plant radiation in Season 4. Ulllll.

12:31 Burke administers 2cc’s of hyocine-pentothal. Poison, people. Pure poison.

12:33 Jack wants 8 total cc’s – enough to make Grae stroke out. Honestly, for as many torture scenes as they’ve done, you have to hand it to the writers. This is probably the most wrenching ever. Even though they only revealed it two episodes ago, Jack holding his brother’s head as he tortures him is wrenching.

12:34 Graem fesses up about the assassination of President Palmer, Tony Almeida, Michelle Dessler, and pulling Jack out of hiding only to give him up to the Chinese. This sounds even more absurd when the characters spell it out.

12:40 Walid and Sandra get back to the “time filler” storyline. How could the writers have botched this plot so badly? They’re usually great at these topical storylines involving torture, interrogation and racial profiling. But this plot is garbage, and these characters are garbage. Plus, why doesn’t CTU investigate the website the detainees discovered about the nukes?

12:43 Jack tells Bill about everything Graem has done. Bill’s only response? “Incredible.”

12:44 Jack and Pops talk. Why does Papa Bauer ask for a few minutes alone? Oh, right. Because he’s totally a bad guy.

12:50 Morris rushes out the door to be with his brother Timothy? What exactly does he think he can do? Walk into the blast zone and save him?

12:51 Ahhh, Lennox and Vice-President Noah Daniels are plotting against Palmer. Finally, we’re covering some new ground. We’ve never seen a plot like this. Except for that time Novick and Prescott plotted against Palmer. Or the time Wayne himself plotted against his brother. Or the time Logan took over the presidency from Keeler. Or the time Gardner acted shady around Logan. I just love a fresh storyline!

12:52 Wayne refuses to accept Lennox’s Executive Order 1066 proposal. Is this what qualifies as a twist these days? Everyone saw this coming. Still, Wayne is a badass.

12:54 So the engineer they were after is Morris? This – is – huge! Shocking! Utterly shocking! I fell right on my ass! Are you kidding? Oh, right. Smock called this two episodes ago.

12:55 They take Morris hostage. Couldn’t he literally just jump out of the car? I mean, McCarthy can’t shoot him or Fayed will hunt McCarthy down. Just do it, Morris. Noone likes you anyway.

12:57 Agent Burke should be fired. Isn’t his only job to watch the suspect?

12:58 So Phillip is in on the conspiracy? After all that?! This – is – huge! Shocking! Utterly shocking! I fell right on my ass! Oh, right. No, I didn’t. At all. They’re 0-3 on the twists tonight. Just not doing it for me anymore.

12:59 Graem ensures his father that he won’t give him up at CTU and that he’ll “hold my mud” – the second time this odd phrase has been used in the series, the first coming in Season 2 when Prescott told Mike to “hold his mud” when trying to usurp Palmer.

As predictable a twist as this is, this is heartbreaking. “You’ve been a good boy. You’ve done everything I’ve asked. Only this time, I asked too much. I’m sorry.” Jesus.

But won’t Burke realize that 8cc’s are missing? Won’t they find Phillip’s prints all over everything? So many holes – that will never be filled.

So he gave one son up to the Chinese and murdered the other one. Phillip Bauer, ladies and gentlemen, Father of the Year …

12:59:58 … 12:59:59 … 1:00:00

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OH RIGHT, WE HAVE A PLOT TO ADVANCE

Apologies for my week off, but the combination of soul-crushing work and a very blah last hour didn't get me in the mood. The mood to ramble about a TV show. Hmm. In any event, I'd like to claim a victory for my successful Morris prediction, well in advance of the blatant telegraphing last night. Seriously, I saw Samuel Morse in the background tapping like a madman. Some other observations below:

Cromwell you dastardly genius, how could anyone think you were simply a hoodwinked father. Sure, you may look innocent, and your turn as George on Six Feet Under lulled me into a false sense of security thinking you'd just be senile on 24 as well, but I forgot all about LA Confidential. You glorious rat, why would any CTU torturer worth half his salt leave you alone with a prime witness?! Oh right, because Burke sucks balls at his job.

Powers Boothe! The second to last actor that I'd read would be appearing in this season has finally arrived. Truth be told I had initially hoped he'd be Jack's dad - because Powers Boothe is a bad ass and will not hesitate to beat someone to death. He may not be sporting his Deadwood mustache but don't be fooled - this Vice President won't be taking any shit. Not that any VP on 24 ever has - apparently in the world of 24 running mates are selected by taking two candidates who are polar opposites and forcing them together. Please God do not let us get another 25th Amendment civics lesson. PLEASE! Remember that Powers Boothe had a part in that 80's masterpiece Red Dawn, so he already knows a thing or two about warfare on American soil. Bring in Swayze and Sheen and get the B-plot rolling!

Someone please kill Sandra Palmer. The Undercover Muslim Brother plot was mildly tolerable when we thought he could get some real info - although really, didn't he? Even if the info on 4 more nukes came from some secret website, it's not like CTU had managed to find out about it. Since apparently their technology is good enough to allow them to pull every important phone call that Fayed makes out of thin air but can't manage to a) trace him or b) use fucking Google! But back to the most annoying Palmer ever - stop preaching to us about how profiling doesn't work and how if we would just respect everyone we'd instantly get cooperation and results. We all know that's bullshit, nothing ever gets done at CTU unless there is blood and pain involved. And hacksaws. Oh God, the hacksaws.

Does anyone else think it's a great idea for Jack to try and send his whole extended family to CTU? Yeah, that office building has sure turned out to be an impregnable fortress in the past. Gee, I hope no crazy people with weapons manage to infiltrate the airtight perimeter and do harm to Jack's loved ones....

And finally: Paul McCrane's (Graem) characters sure can't catch a break. On ER Doc Romano first had his arm chopped off by a helicopter blade, then a few seasons later died when a helicopter fell off the landing pad and on top of him on the street below. Jesus, what could be worse than being stalked by a killer helicopter that will stop at nothing until the very spark of your life essence is quenched? Being physically and chemically tortured by your brother Jack and then finished off by your father. Oof.

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