LATE SEASON PREDICTIONS
With only seven episodes to go (and a brand new story arc forthcoming), it’s time for our final Season 6 predictions until the two-hour finale next month. Previously on 24, Jack single-handled hunted down Fayed, killed off his entire terrorist cell, and located the two remaining suitcase nukes. But merely seconds after saving the world for what has to be at least the 37th time, Jack received an unexpected phone call. Or, if you’re anything like Smock and me, a completely expected phone call.
The writers really never give Jack a moment’s rest. Could somebody just once make the guy a sandwich? How about offer him a soda? It’s amazing how much just a turkey sandwich and Mr. Pibb can really change your outlook on a whole day.
It was quickly revealed that Audrey was, in fact, not dead, as had been previously reported by Chloe and further verified by a big scrapbook full of old pictures of her lifeless body. Which conveniently included no headshots.
Turns out Chang has taken Audrey hostage, either some time today since he returned to Los Angeles at 6 this morning or some time in the past year when she was presumed dead. You didn’t really think that the Chinese would be through with Jack just yet. Thank God the writers have brought them back to finish (maybe?) this incredible plotline once and for all. Or as Chang might put it, “China has a long memory. Did you really think we would forget?”
So how will this all play out? I don’t know, but as you read on, you'll realize that my guess is as good as yours ...
PHONE-Y BALONEY. The phone number 310-597-3781 is one magical telephone number. Not only does it belong to the private Hidden Valley Ranch (also a great salad dressing) residence of former President Charles Logan, it also serves as CTU’s general phone line and Chang’s L.A. cell phone. The writers simply aren’t this lazy. (Or cheap.) I simply refuse to believe that this phone number is just a coincidence. The Chinese, CTU, and President Logan are all in on this together. Oh, and Walid. Just because.
ZOMBIE CURTIS. Zombie Curtis will grow even more powerful as he feeds on the flesh of those affected by the nuclear fallout in Valencia. Jack will once again be forced to kill him after he takes Audrey hostage. But this time, rather than just shooting him in the neck, Jack must drive a wooden stake through his heart – and then launch an RPG in his general direction.
Oh, right. And Zombie Curtis rises from the dead in the next two hours. Probably should have clarified that.
BABY MAMA DRAMA. Having finally run out of CTU plotline distractions and exhausting all possible agent conflicts, the writers will further push the limits of viewers’ patience and stretch the outer boundaries of the space time continuum to a breaking point, when they have Nadia get pregnant and deliver a healthy, 7-pound baby girl in CTU’s new OBGYN clinic – all in the next four hours. (And you thought Jack moved fast …) The final two episodes will deal with the aftermath of the delivery and the identity of the real father. Is it Milo, Morris, Doyle, Jack’s nephew Josh, that dude from Denver, or Chloe and a turkey baster?
LOGAN’S GOOD FORTUNE. President Logan will return (despite having not been mentioned for five hours since being stabbed in a vital artery by Martha) to help Jack track down Chang and Audrey.
CROMWELL RETURNS. Philip Bauer will return (despite having not been mentioned for seven hours since disappearing through a mile-long radius net set up by CTU) to foil Jack and conspire with Chang.
REMEMBER TO RECYCLE. Finally, given the writers’ recent fondness for shamelessly repeating previous seasons’ plotlines (25th Amendment, CTU love triangle, shaky pretext for bombing the Middle East), Jack will give himself up to the Chinese in exchange for Audrey. Jack will then be beaten and shipped out to Beijing on a slow boat to China. Season 7 will open with recently elected President Wayne Palmer brokering a deal for Jack’s return – only to give him up to an evil extremist behind the next day’s terror plots. Jack will then escape, begin his search for suitcase nukes, discover that his brother and father are complicit in the plot, and so on and so forth … The show will devolve into Groundhog Day for television, as Jack is forced to discover a better way to save the day -- and his life -- and stop getting stuck in the middle of these fucking terrorist attacks.
Would love to hear some thoughts on the Comments board on where this wacky season is headed ... So what happens next???
2 comments:
You'd probably appreciate this Johnny: Was talking to a P.A. on South Park the other day. Apparently the show did a spoof on 24 which really tore the show a new one. The day after it aired a P.A. from 24 shows up at the South Park reception desk where my friend works with two suitcases, one for Trey Parker and one for Matt Stone. That's right, two suitcase nukes that only Jack Bauer himself could diffuse. Damn you, Surnow!!
The final scene opens outside the window of an old log cabin. We can hear singing coming from within. We enter to see a happy family gathered around a piano singing Christmas carols. Cromwell has his arm around Jack, Jack has his arm around Terry, Terry's arm is around Kim, who is holding a stuffed toy cougar. In the backround we see aunt Chloe and her husband David Palmer holding their baby Curtis. The song ends and the host of the party 'The Rev Charlie Logan' says "now it's time for another Christmas story." We are swept back out through the window to a long distant shot of the cabin. White flakes are falling down, then up then sideways. The camera pans back and we see that the cabin on the hill is actually just a snow globe being held by 'rain man' Brady. Then the camera takes us outside his bedroom window and up into the stary night. We then hear the voice of Rod Serling say "Even I can't figure this one out."
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