11:00 PM - 12:00 AM "JACK GOES ROGUE ... AGAIN"

11:02 The paramedic gives Jack “something for the pain.” The only thing that could help Jack feel better at this point is a bullet in the head. Or maybe a sandwich. A blowjob certainly couldn’t hurt. It has been almost two years since he was banging Mrs. Coach Taylor. (A little Friday Night Lights reference for you there.) Doyle then thanks Jack for everything he’s done for the country. Oh Doyle, what a great guy … Turns out that some crazed sado-masochist agents aren’t so bad after all.

11:03 Chang wants the component from the triggering mechanism of the suitcase nuke that contains a prototype algorithm old enough to be free of any modern decryption safeguards that will allow the Chinese access to virtually all Russian defense technology in exchange for Audrey. Desperate for some hot Department of Defense action, Jack agrees to this without blinking.

Seriously ladies, Jack Bauer is a great boyfriend. Sure, there's the occasional torture, he can disappear for years at a time, and of course, the self-loathing gets old after awhile, but he's great when it comes to getting you out of jam.

11:05 Audrey apologizes to Jack for trying to locate and rescue him in China – officially solidifying a strong 2nd place finish behind Kim for “Dumbest Female Character Ever on 24.” Way to go, Aud.

11:06 Jack takes 15 seconds to peer creepily out of the alley at the military.

11:07 Palmer refuses medical attention again because he’s scared Daniels might use the doctor’s visit as a pretext to invoke the 25th amendment yet again. Why would Daniels do that? That would mean the writers would have to repeat themselves – and the writers never repeat themselves.

11:08 After learning that the nukes have been found and secured, Wayne orders everyone to leave the bunker and return to the White House. Because honestly, with seven hours left, what else could go wrong?

11:09 Chloe takes a call from Jack, as Bill briefs and congratulates everyone at CTU. I don’t know why Bill is thanking all these random workers. Doesn’t he know that the only characters who do anything (or are even allowed to speak) are Milo, Morris, Nadia, Doyle and Chloe?

Jack asks Chloe for a diagram of an FB sub-circuit board from one of the nukes. Chloe quickly realizes this could lead to an “international situation big-time.”

11:10 Chloe downloads a schematic from one of the bombs off her boyfriend’s computer that could potentially lead to WWIII. Chloe is totally Jack’s bitch. There is some sort of sick S&M thing going on here. If Jack asked her to stick her hand into a garbage disposal, she would do it just to make him happy.

11:15 Wayne takes yet another long look at his brother David’s picture in the Oval Office – just to remind all the disgruntled longtime fans of the show’s better days.

11:16 Wayne blackmails Daniels into resigning with a “little brute force” and flips his door shut like a ballerina gooned on painkillers.

11:19 Morris discovers Chloe has hacked into his system, and Chloe explains that Jack asked her to help save Audrey. Morris threatens to tell Bill and forces Chloe to. Somebody’s not getting any tonight.

11:21 Cut to Jack sliding down a pole to steal the suitcase nukes. The American military really is the finest in the world. I love that these soldiers fall for Jack’s “I’m going to call your superior” garbage. With these two soldiers on guard, Ferris Bueller could steal the nukes.

11:29 Doyle puts Jack in timeout and handcuffs him. Bill proves once again that he has absolutely no long-term memory when he acts shocked that Jack would try to steal the nukes. Because it’s not like Jack has ever done anything like break into a Chinese embassy or kill a fellow agent or kidnap the President or fake his own death.

11:31 Jack asks Palmer to authorize a field mission to rescue Audrey and vows to blow himself up with the chip with a charge of C4 to keep the Chinese from taking it.

11:38 Jack asks Doyle to team up with him to take out Chang and rescue Audrey.

11:39 Milo tells Nadia that Doyle is on the phone for her. Milo looks disturbed. The writers are so in love with this plot that if it were a blow-up doll, they would gang rape it. They can’t let one episode slip by without bringing the tension back up between these two fucktards.

11:42 Daniels tells Lisa he’s resigning. You know what this means? He’s not resigning.

11:45 When Callery starts in with the inspirational 24 theme, it’s never a good – yep, Wayne’s stroking out.

11:52 Lennox, Karen, Daniels, Lisa, and the worst doctor in the world meet in the Oval Office to discuss Wayne’s cerebral hemorrhage. Wayne is being prepped for transport to Bethesda and won’t be regaining consciousness until the last 15 minutes of the season finale in five weeks.

11:54 Daniels asks Karen to notify the Senate and the House of the transfer of power. Would this be the National Security Advisor’s responsibility? Has the National Security Advisor always been the acting Commander-in-Chief’s bitch? Someone please inform me in the Comments. Daniels orders Jack’s operation shut down.

11:57 When getting the order from Daniels, Bill looks scared shitless. He knows they can’t shut Jack down. He starts setting up road blocks and tells Chloe she’s off the mission. Finally, for once, someone actually realizes what Jack is going to do.

11:58 Buchanan orders Doyle to take alternate his route and disarm Jack as quickly and quietly as possible. Right … like that’s possible. Jack immediately realizes Doyle is shutting him down and pulls a gun on him out of habit.

11:59 Jack forces Doyle off the interstate and puts him up against a fence. Doyle tries reasoning with Jack, but it's too late. Jack has gone rogue ... again.

11:59:58 … 11:59:59 … 12:00:00.