BIGOTRY SAVES AMERICA: "MORNING" - 12:00PM

Declare you unfit to write recaps, you say? I'm going to do just that - time to invoke the 25th amendment to take over this blog. Oh, right, hi I'm David, I used to post very occasional tidbits before the crushing weight of the mediocrity of recent episodes drove me to drink instead. But now that Rome and Battlestar Galactica (yes I said Battlestar you nerd bashers, I refuse to repent for one of the best shows on TV today) have ended their seasons I can possibly re-focus. Also, I'm stuck in NoWhere, Massachusetts on an expense account that allows me to buy drinks. So I decided to bring you the 24 episode of South Park which managed to use the format of 24 better than the show itself has this season (really, at this point the only explanation for the time warping helicopters and rocket booster cars would actually be an inaccurate clock).

Morning, South Park A new student is introduced to the class - Bahir Hassan Abul Hakim. Cartman flips out and asks if he's been checked for bombs. When Mr. Garrison asserts that not all Muslims are terrorists, Cartman replies "No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them". Cartman, have you met VP Daniels? Kyle channels his inner Chloe and starts searching Myspace for Bahir's info. It does not check out.

The time is 12:00pm: the following takes place between recess and geography class.

12:02 Cartman realizes that the terrorist target is a Hillary "Hil-dawg" Clinton rally in South Park and demands to speak to the President. Bush is not really Palmer material; he doesn't even know what a secure line is or how to sign a pardon for mass murdering terrorists in a matter of minutes. Idiot. Of course, one of Hil-dawg's aides is a terrorist mole and calls the Russian sounding baddies. South Park sure got the mole cliche down pat.

12:17 Kyle cross references Bahir's Myspace profile with realtor.com and finds where he lives. Cartman sends Kyle a cameraphone picture of his balls which of course would make Chloe melt. The terrorists have hidden a nuclear bomb in Hil-dawg's ... snatch (the "technical term for vagina"). It's called a snuke and if it goes off "everyone in South Park will die ... forever". Ooooh.

12:28 Split screen gags are hilarious. Even more hilarious would be if 24 remembered how to use these and show all the different players doing their part to thwart the terrorist threat. You know, back when there were multiple plot threads instead of "Jack shoots people and blows things up, killing his one lead before he could get more than one piece of info; Chloe frowns and wiretaps a turned off cell phone in Khandahar just in time to overhear a terrorist revealing the next attack phase". When Kyle traces the terrorists' trail from YouTube to eBay, his room is absorbed by Homeland Security. He should be damn lucky Division didn't show up.

12:34 Marshall Goren should be lucky he only got shot and decapitated with a hacksaw - the Hakim parents get a facefull of Cartman ass gas. He ups the potency by injecting himself with apple juice. Yum. Cartman traces Bahir to Butters' house, but both are captured by the real terrorists. And then I wish Chloe would someday say "Nobody uses Ask Jeeves - just Google search it!" After cross referencing with JDate and getting intel from Drudge Report, it looks like they're getting there.

12:40 The terrorists ask Cartman if he really thinks Muslims are behind the threat. "Uh, yes, of course." Actually, the British are coming in age-of-sail warships. Oh, snap.

12:47 The aide who goes into Hil-Dawg after the snuke is dismembered by an unknown creature lurking inside. So now we know why Monica Lewinsky became famous (ooh ... snap?). And knowing is half the battle. Kyle uncovers the British plot through Craigslist. Which is totally unrealistic unless the info was somehow disguised as another post from a married 40 year old guy trolling for free sex. "Mapquest the address - I'll use Google Maps, it has live traffic!" Armed forces invade the terrorist stronghold as the detonator clock counts down. Luckily the power goes out.

12:00 The detonator has reset and the time is flashing. Everyone dies, including the British when their muskets don't hold up to good old fashioned American freedom - and missiles. Plenty of missiles. The Queen shoots herself in the head.

Conclusion Cartman points out that by profiling Muslims he saved the day. "Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no." The Hakims decide to leave the US. "Ok, who got rid of all the Muslims, huh? That was all me. A simple thank you will suffice." Oh you - that's our Cartman!