3:00 AM - 4:00 AM "NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE"

3:02 Morris covers Milo’s head with a blanket. Reminded that resident douche bag Milo was blown away less than 20 minutes ago, I hold a silent celebration in my head.

3:03 Like all female characters on 24, Marilyn is unable to control her emotions and begins screaming and flailing about as the bad guys take Josh away. Jack asks to help calm her down. The bad guys inexplicably agree to this, rather than the alternative course of action – going ahead and killing Jack Bauer. Smart, guys. Real smart.

3:04 George Michael and his band of merry Chinese henchmen start leading their CTU agent hostages into the conference room. Jack is allowed to go last for some reason, and he starts taking out the Chinese agents, one by one. Nadia starts wrestling with another one and actually holds her own. Sadly, this will turn out to be the most realistic thing about this episode.

3:06 Doyle finally arrives and saves the day. I yawn. For those of you scoring at home (or even if you’re alone), the CTU hostage situation lasted less than half an hour.

3:08 Jack convinces Nadia that he knows the schematics of the building better than anyone and that he should be put back in charge. She throws her hands up in the air and says, “Fuck, Jack. Just go.” Jack and his team take off on the hunt for Josh. They find the sewer breach point in about two minutes.

3:11 The Chinese henchmen arrive back at headquarters with Josh. Cheng snaps at them, “What took you so long?” You know, he’s right. It’s been almost 10 minutes since they found the boy. What in the hell have they been doing?! And then there was that 3 ½ minute commercial break, too … Sheesh. Lazy assholes …

3:12 Cromwell explains to Josh that he wants to take him to China. Seems like a solid plan. Why not go to China? Not two minutes after pitching the idea to Josh, Cromwell says, “All I need is for you to keep an open mind …” Right. Because if Josh just thinks about this for a few minutes, I’m sure he’ll come to the realization that being kidnapped and hauled off to China by a crazy old fuck sounds like a swell time.

3:15 Jack and Doyle track down Cheng and his henchmen. Jack pursues Cheng and Josh to the roof. Why do bad guys always run to the roof of buildings? Every movie, every TV show, it’s always to the roof. WTF? Isn’t this the worst possible place to go?

3:17 Josh escapes from Cheng. Jack tracks Cheng down, but Cheng runs out of bullets. Obviously. How many times has the bad guy run out of bullets on Jack? But because Josh is now inexplicably hanging from a chain about to fall to his death, Jack lets Cheng escape. What a fucktard this kid is … What’s the point of escaping if you wind up hanging from a chain? Dumbass!

3:19 Doyle tells Jack that they’re setting up a perimeter around the building. Because that “perimeter” worked so well when it was set up around Jack’s dad. With any luck, CTU will just forget about Cheng for the next 12 hours. Hmmm, I wonder if Cheng will escape.

3:20 Jack is shocked to learn that Josh spoke to his grandfather. Why is Jack so fucking shocked by this????????????????????????????????????????? Is he fucking kidding? Jack has saved the world like five times, but he couldn’t crack the case of why the Chinese wanted his son, er, nephew so badly? Duh, Jack. Duh.

3:21 Jack grills Josh on any information he could have gotten from old grandpa over the phone about his location. What the hell could Josh have possibly gotten from Cromwell over the phone in a 2-minute conversation?

3:25 Daniels confesses to Karen about his uncomfortable predicament with Lisa Miller. Karen tells him that he’s being too hard on himself. Is she the National Security Advisor or Dr. Phil? Get back to work, dammit.

3:28 With all the creepiness of a pervy little teenager, Lennox gets his jollies watching Bishop nail Lisa for almost an hour.

3:31 After finishing up, Bishop contemplates going through Lisa’s purse, but realizes something is wrong. He calls Lisa into the room and asks her what’s going on. Like all female characters on 24, Lisa is unable to control her emotions and jacks Bishop in the head with a bottle of wine and lamp.

3:32 He starts choking her. Secret Service pulls him off her, but she’s not breathing. Lennox interrogates him and forces him to transmit the fabricated e-mails to his Russian handlers. Hm, it was better the first time I saw it ... when it was called "Season 1."

3:34 Cheng calls Cromwell to tell him he lost the boy, as he gets into a car. I guess Cheng somehow broke that impenetrable CTU perimeter.

3:35 Cheng and Cromwell then conduct my favorite exchange of the season, with dialogue that could have been lifted directly from Zoolander. To help you picture this, just imagine Stiller and Wilson delivering these lines.

CHENG (WILSON): You repair that circuit board and return it to us, or there will be serious consequences.

CROMWELL (STILLER): Next time you threaten me, the consequences will be serious … But not for me.

BILLY ZANE: It’s a walkoff … (nodding to himself) It’s a walkoff.

3:39 Back to CTU where Nadia has slipped into something more comfortable, a casual yet elegant turtleneck from the CTU Spring Collection – for those times you need to hide those bloody bruises in the immediate minutes following of a near-fatal hostage situation.

3:40 Realizing that they haven’t yet incorporated a full-scale bureaucratic takeover from another government agency into this season’s plotlines, the writers introduce Ben Kram and his team from division. He informs Nadia that her poor leadership cost the lives of CTU staff. She quietly succumbs to his requests and offers him a conference room.

3:42 Morris offers Nadia some emotional support by telling her not to “let those buggers—” Oh, who cares?

3:45 Lennox informs Daniels and Karen that the information has been sent, but that Lisa acted like a stupid bitch and almost got herself killed. Karen starts up with her Dr. Phil bullshit again before reminding the President that they have a teleconference with Russian President Suvarov. “Oh, yeah! World War III! Right!”

3:47 Josh tells Marilyn that Uncle Jack saved his life. That’s what he does, kid. Jesus, get over it already.

3:48 Russian President Suvarov – once again brought to you by Cisco Systems! Daniels lies to Suvarov and tells him that we’ve secured the circuit board from the Chinese. Suvarov already knows he’s lying to him because he was monitoring Bishop’s apartment. Boy, does Daniels have egg on his face …

3:54 Cromwell calls Lennox and asks to speak to the President. Daniels worries aloud that this war will stretch far into the Central Asian Theater. Upon hearing this, Smock immediately enlists in the military.

3:55 Jack’s dad’s balls must have Goodyear written on the side of them. He demands his grandson in exchange for the component and free passage to the country of his choice.

3:56 To prove that he has the circuit board, Cromwell gives them the part he’s fixing – Serial # 3PT-L3 – which Lennox immediately pulls up on his Blackberry. Those Blackberrys are fucking magic.

3:57 Daniels, Karen and Lennox debate handing over the boy. Daniels worries about sacrificing one boy versus hundreds or thousands of young soldiers. Quick question: Since when did Daniels start caring about the troops? He was ready to start WWIII only 10 hours ago by nuking the Middle East. But now he’s worried???

3:58 Daniels sums up the entire season in one perfectly crafted line: “None of this makes sense.” You’re telling us. He authorizes CTU to make the exchange for the boy.

3:59 CTU can’t set up a perimeter to catch a fugitive or defend its own headquarters against rudimentary security breaches – but damn it if they don’t take orders quickly! Less than 30 seconds after receiving the order from Daniels, Doyle steals Josh away from Jack and puts him on a chopper to nowhere. Jack versus the President. Again.

With two hours left, we have yet to hear one more word about President Logan after being stabbed in the neck by his crazy ass wife. I kneel on the ground and say a quiet prayer that next week’s episodes can somehow save the season that went horribly awry.

God’s speed, Jack. God’s speed.

3:59:58 … 3:59:59 … 4:00:00.