1:00 AM - 2:00 AM "AUDREY DOESN'T KNOW JACK"

1:02 Doyle tries speaking to Audrey. Audrey replies, “Help me, Jack. Please don’t let them do this to me.” My professional diagnosis? Audrey is totally f’ing bananas.

1:03 Nadia reverses Bill’s decision to transfer Morris. This marks the first and last good decision Nadia will make as director of CTU. Bill should never have given in to this garbage. She refuses to indulge Morris’ “personal melodrama.” I refuse to indulge any of 24’s “personal melodrama.” Shut it down.

1:05 Doyle thinks that whatever the Chinese did to Audrey gave her post-traumatic stress disorder, but, as he tells Nadia, “I’m not a shrink.” And thank God for that. Can you imagine having Doyle as your shrink? “You tell me where that repressed memory is right now! Or I break your other arm … Oh. Lucky for you, our time is up.”

1:06 Jack starts screaming Audrey’s name like a 12-year-old schoolboy who’s been forbidden from seeing his estranged girlfriend by her worried parents.

1:07 Karen briefs Daniels on Cheng’s intention to smuggle the Russian circuit board out of the country. Daniels tells her he appreciates her throwing Bill to the wolves. Somewhere, Bill is curled up in a ball, weeping in his shower.

1:08 Russian President Suvarov calls Daniels to inform him that he knows the Chinese have the circuit board. Even with a spy, how the hell would he have intelligence on something that happened just ten minutes ago?

1:09 Lisa is revealed to be screwing some lobbyist. What a bitch! And you know you’re a bitch when you’re making me feel bad for Daniels. Oh, and this dude she’s banging? Totally a spy. I like this plotline better when it was called Season 1. Or Season 4. Or Season 5.

1:11 Daniels really doesn’t take shit from anyone, does he? After telling Suvarov to go fuck himself, Daniels asks how the hell the Russians found out so fast. Good question. Lennox immediately points out that there must be a spy.

1:12 Cheng attempts e-mailing the Russian defense codes to a decryption specialist. But the circuit board is damaged, and they must find someone who can deprogram the chip. Stuck in a jam? Having trouble decrypting a code? Or how about arming nuclear devices in a jiffy? Call Morris – the CTU Agent Smart Terrorist Trust Most!

1:17 After seven minutes of getting some hot lobbyist action, Lisa takes a shower. Turns out the lobbyist is a spy. 24 loves introducing moles who sleep with characters for information. Naked Mandy. Alexis Drazen. Collette Stenger. That bitch from Season 4 who stole the F-16 fighter pilot’s ID badge to attack Air Force One. Yeah … you know what I’m talking about.

1:19 Unable to look her in the eye, Morris tells Chloe that it’s over and that there’s no going back. A nation cries with Chloe. Seriously, I had no idea Chloe had any real emotions – except for Jack, who she’s obviously in love with.

1:21 Karen updates Nadia on the showdown with Russia. Nadia raises a good point when asking why it was so necessary to fire Bill – this very instant!? How about waiting until the morning after this whole international incident setting us on the brink of WWIII blows over maybe?

1:22 Dr. Bradley shows up from Division to treat Audrey. This guy seems like a real douche. While trying to get through to her, Dr. Bradley discovers marks on Audrey’s arms.

1:24 Bradley diagnoses Audrey as a type-3 catatonic. I diagnose her as one hot hostage. Bradley suggests they use more drugs to shock her back from the drug-induced haze she’s currently in. Oh, and there’s only a 22% chance that she dies from cardiovascular complications. Seems reasonable enough to me …

1:25 Bradley tells Nadia that he has jurisdiction, and Nadia bends over and takes it up the ass. Doyle strongly objects.

1:30 Daniels calls Lisa to ask where she is – because she did leave less than hour ago.

1:31 Lennox identifies the leak inside the White House as Lisa Miller, who is presumed to be screwing Mark Bishop, through phone records, credit card records and e-mails. The CIA did this in less than twenty minutes. If the CIA operated like this in real life, Osama bin Laden would be dead by now.

1:33 Daniels immediately reveals to Lennox that he’s been nailing Lisa ever since his wife died. Why do the writers have to make me feel bad for Daniels?

1:34 Doyle explains to Jack that Bradley is planning to pump Audrey full of drugs, so he uncuffs him so Jack can put him in a sleeper hold and steal his CTU badge. Why even put Jack in holding? Everyone knows he’s going to get out somehow.

1:36 Jack makes his way to Medical and kidnaps Audrey for CTU’s annual lockdown. Man, do I love CTU lockdowns … This is sweet. Milo continues his passive aggressive feud with Nadia by telling her, “If you had just let Jack talked to Audrey, none of this would have happened.” Milo and Nadia have literally gotten together and broken up in less than a day.

1:41 Nadia, Morris and Milo track Jack’s location in the building. But Chloe is missing. Where the hell is Chloe? That is not good. The last thing we need is another suicide inside CTU. Or even worse … what if she’s going to have another baby with Chase? (A little Season 3 reference for you there …)

1:42 Doyle stands up to Nadia and tells her to fuck off. Nice.

1:43 Jack takes Audrey down to the room where he staged his own death at the end of Season 4. I’m sure this should bring back some pleasant memories for a woman suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Nice going, Jack …

1:44 Jack calmly reintroduces himself to Audrey. “It’s me, Jack. Remember me, honey? The man who tortured and killed your husband? The man who faked his own death and left you? The man who forced your father to drive off a cliff and almost kill himself? The man who once again left you and forced you to follow me to China? Nothing? Doesn’t ring a bell? Aight …”

1:45 Jack touches Audrey’s face, and she seems to be coming around. Kiefer could touch any woman’s face, and they would melt. And no, I do not have a man crush on Kiefer. Okay, kind of. Shut up. I hate all y’all.

1:46 Jack hugs her and tells her that he loves her with all his heart. Was that so hard to say, Jack? Why must it take such crises to get you to show your real feelings? Audrey and Jack should really try couples counseling with Dr. Doyle.

1:47 Doyle, Nadia and Dr. Feelgood bust through the door, take Audrey, and apprehend Jack, but not before Audrey mutters “Bloomfield.” Nadia asks Morris to have Chloe track Bloomfield. And Nadia finally stands up to Dr. Bradley and vows to protect Audrey.

1:52 Lennox informs Daniels that large portions of the Russian army are moving into the central Asian theater. That doesn’t sound good. Except for the “central Asian theater.” Smock loves those.

1:54 Daniels sits down for a little heart-to-heart with Lisa and breathes down her neck. Of all the things you don’t want to hear the President say to you, this is probably #1 on the list: “You didn’t just betray me, you betrayed your country.”

1:55 Daniels orders Lisa to go back to Bishop and tell him that the U.S. has regained the circuit board.

1:56 Nadia looks at Audrey in Medical. And who sits down next to Audrey but Devane!!! Man, I love Devane! Heller is back, baby. But couldn’t they have made him disfigured or something after his crash last season?

1:57 Heller asks to see Jack before he takes Audrey away. I would not want Devane as my father-in-law. Doyle approaches Nadia and tells her that Bloomfield Copper Company has a refining facility in Jefferson Heights and that the Chinese may be stationed there. Nadia and Doyle share a tender moment. All I can say is please, please, please don’t let this terrible, terrible Nadia-Milo-Doyle love triangle drag into Season 7.

1:58 Jack sees Heller for the first time in two years and promises him that he will help his daughter. Heller’s response? “I don’t want you to go anywhere near my daughter ever again. I’m warning you … Stay away. You’re cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead.”

1:59 Jack starts breaking down. That was a bit harsh, wasn’t it? Was that really necessary? Jack contemplates suicide – once again.

1:59:58 … 1:59:59 … 2:00:00.