7:00 PM - 8:00 PM "EPISODE 14: ATTACK OF THE DRONES"

7:01 Interesting. They haven’t mentioned President Logan yet. I figured they would start with that, seeing as how his going into cardiac arrest was the cliffhanger last week. But I’m sure they’ll get around to it in the first ten minutes.

7:02 I know the sun was up just 3 minutes ago. It must get real dark, real quick in L.A. Jack finds out that he has floating rib fragments that have caused internal bleeding. Right … As if this is going to stop him. The man has saved the world during multiple heart attacks before.

7:03 Bill tells Daniels that the RQ2 unmanned stealth aircraft drones can be piloted from anywhere in the world. Keep that in mind – “anywhere in the world.”

7:04 Gredenko finally fesses up to Fayed about being caught by the Americans. Ooooh, Gredenko is busted. Fayed is not going to like this one bit. Dude has a pretty bad temper. Gredenko goes ahead and orders the first drone to be launched.

7:06 Milo comforts Nadia by gently caressing her Muslim hand. Just a bit of advice. Workplace romance at CTU usually doesn’t end well. Chloe tells Nadia and Milo that she’s discovered Nadia has been logging in under Milo’s user ID. So busted.

7:07 Morris is able to track the drone by satellite, but then loses it. Lousy drunk.

7:09 Daniels asks Lisa to advance the meeting with the Joint Chiefs to draw up a plan for the U.S.’s own nuclear strike. Or as he puts it, he’s not just “rattling his saber.”

7:15 Chloe begins eliminating possible cities as targets. L.A., Santa Barbara and San Diego are each cleared. The only remaining targets are San Francisco, Phoenix, and Las Vegas. Why would anyone want to nuke Vegas? Oh, right ... Celine Dion.

7:16 Why is Bill being such a dick to Jack? “Thanks for saving all our asses again, Jack. Now get to medical.”

7:17 Jack runs into Marilyn. Umm, where is Josh? If you had been through what Marilyn had today, would you let your son out of your sight for a second?

Jack and Marilyn share a tender moment, as she moves in for a kiss. Damn, this chick doesn’t waste any time, does she? Her husband was killed by her father-in-law less than 8 hours ago, and she’s already going in for some tongue action with her brother-in-law. Jack definitely has the kavorka.

But Jack refuses to “rattle his saber” at her, using an excuse I often do – “Before I was taken prisoner by the Chinese …” He then explains that he had been seeing Audrey. And by “seeing Audrey,” he of course means, “those times every two or three years when he would rise from the dead or return from captivity to give her a kiss before disappearing again for another couple of years.” Jack really is a great boyfriend.

7:18 Marilyn tells Jack that Audrey is dead. Of course, not really. She just has a show on ABC.

Turns out she died in a “car accident” a few months ago in China. Boy, Jack is going to kill someone. He runs over to Chloe and hangs her phone up as she’s instructing response teams across the country. Kind of important call there, Jack.

7:19 After asking – more demanding, really – Chloe to dig up Audrey’s file, Jack shoots Bill a look. Why is Bill acting so shady all of a sudden?

7:21 Karen returns and tells Lennox that she’s not interested in playing games. Wait a minute. A government employee on 24 not interested in playing games and instead, actually working together to get something done? There must be some sort of mistake.

7:22 Karen argues that a “nuclear warning shot” will destabilize the entire Middle East. “The moderates will be driven from power. The terrorists’ position will be strengthened in the country and the region. This course of action will be dangerous and reckless.” Oh, 24, you and your far-fetched fantasies that bear no semblance to our own sunny geopolitical reality.

7:28 Milo begins questioning Morris’ competence and sobriety – again – out of nowhere after siding with him the past five hours. Milo asks Chloe to check his breath. Chloe goes up to Morris and plants a big wet one on him. Isn’t there a rule about agents making out in CTU? And shouldn't there be a rule about anyone kissing Morris? Ugh. Can’t these people save the world without making us all sick? Morris “rattles his saber” a little bit and gets back to work.

7:31 Chloe discovers that whoever is piloting the drone is able to anticipate CTU’s repositioning directives, flying through the gaps in the images. It turns out that satellite data is being relayed to the drone pilot from … (wait for it, wait for it) … someone working inside CTU. Cue dramatic music. Who could the mole possibly be? The smart money is on Jack’s nephew / biological son Josh, who has mysteriously disappeared.

7:32 Doyle asks Chloe to trace Nadia’s computer because she’s been tagged as a Muslim agent. Milo gets all up in Doyle’s grill, defending Nadia’s honor. Doyle fires back “Or is it because you’re itching to sleep with her?” That’s ridiculous. Everyone at CTU is itching to “rattle their saber” at this Persian Pop Tart.

7:34 Victor tells Gredenko that the nuke will detonate over San Francisco in 20 minutes. I knew it. That’s what these weed-smokin,’ flower-wearin,’ 'saber-rattlin,' hippies get for their heathen ways.

7:39 Wayne’s doctor tells Karen that a buildup of inter-cranial pressure had to be relieved by inducing a coma. Karen asks to bring Wayne back to consciousness to stop Daniels’ nuclear strike, but she must first get consent from his family, i.e. Sandra. You know what? If stopping the U.S. from bombing the daylights out of the Middle East means having to endure more of Sandra fucking Palmer, let’s just go ahead and start World War III.

7:41 Milo really is in love. Jesus, look at him just sitting there and brooding, watching as Doyle circles her. Morris traces Nadia’s computer to the drone pilot at 1530 Hillcrest – just three blocks away from CTU. So the drone pilot can operate this thing from “anywhere in the world” – remember? – and they chose a building three blocks away from CTU. Really fucking stupid.

7:42 Doyle chokes Nadia before being stopped by Milo. But Milo still suspects Nadia is up to something. I really hate to see trouble in paradise for these two lovebirds. Oh, wait. That’s right. I don’t give a shit. Milo and Nadia, you are no Tony and Michelle.

7:44 With his bloodied midsection all bandaged up, Jack studies Audrey’s file. Turns out she was taken hostage and almost murdered in some sort of botched bank robbery with eight other strangers who then formed a unique bond …

7:45 Buchanan authorizes CTU’s first lockdown of the season due to the proximity of the drone pilot. You know what? At this point, shouldn’t CTU just always be on lockdown? We’ve got moles, hostiles, drunks … It’s time to shut it down, people.

Bill then asks Marcy to seal off a perimeter, to which she politely replies, “Yes sir.” First, who's Marcy? Second, doesn't Marcy know that the only agents allowed to speak are Chloe, Bill, Nadia, Morris, and Milo?

7:46 Jack tells Bill that he’s not going to let Audrey die for nothing. When asked why, Jack responds, “I’m going to finish this, and when I do, I’m going to track down the people responsible for her murder, and I’m going to take care of them too.” He could have just said “Because we need a plot for our summer movie, and we need it now!”

I think Bill has finally given up. Jack is suffering from a critical injury, and Bill’s just like, “Sure, Jack. Broken ribs. Internal bleeding. You seem like the right guy to take point on the mission to save all of San Francisco. Go get em, buddy!”

7:52 Jack, Doyle and the team approach the building. As one of the hostiles exits the building, Jack just shoots him in cold blood. Now … I know the guy was bad. But how did Jack? He just shot this fucker with no identification.

7:53 Jack and the team move in on the drone pilot and take him down. Jack takes the controls of the drone and starts flying it like he’s playing fucking Computer Space. Sure, Jack, just like an arcade …

7:54 Jack barely avoids crossing the perimeter but needs space to land. How about the interstate, Jack? I mean, you did land a 747 on an L.A. freeway last season.

7:56 The drone crashes onto a dock and catches fire, but the bomb’s core is compromised, leaking radiation all over the dock. Where’s George Mason when you need him to fly a nuclear bomb over the Mojave?

7:58 Bill calls in to the Vice President to give him the good news – ya know, that San Francisco hasn’t been obliterated. But because of the radioactive spill, Daniels considers it a dirty bomb attack, and orders the nuclear submarine into position. The nuclear strike will take place within the hour.

Jesus. Daniels makes Vice President Jim Prescott look like Mother Teresa.

Oh, and remember that plot that took up ¾ of last week’s episode involving Martha stabbing President Logan, who went into cardiac arrest at the end of the episode? Yeah … no mention of that at all tonight. Bullshit. Absolute bullshit.

7:59:58 … 7:59:59 … 8:00:00.