3:00 PM - 4:00 PM "MORRIS: THE CURIOUSLY ANNOYING CTU AGENT"

Editor’s Note: The better these episodes get, the less there is for me to bitch about.

3:03 Milo drags Marilyn’s dumb ass to a service area behind a warehouse. I don’t know how I’ll sleep if they kill off Milo.

3:05 After shutting his door, Cromwell asks Hacker, “So is my son dead?” and after getting the news, pauses for almost three seconds before saying, “Well, it had to be done.” Hey, maybe Cromwell isn’t so bad after all!

3:06 Milo tells Marilyn to run as fast as she can when he starts firing. Milo is obviously not a field agent. What is he doing firing a full round without ducking? These dudes have automatic rifles, and he’s standing there with a handgun and no vest. Duck, for God’s – and … down he goes.

3:07 Jack is such a badass. He’s like an angry dad breaking up his kids’ fight. Can’t you hear him now? “On your knees. Interlace your fingers, Junior.” I love how he’s just mercilessly beating the shit out of Hacker. We may finally have a worthy successor to All-Time Punching Bag Champion Alan York from Season 1.

3:08 Gentleman Jack almost breaks Marilyn’s neck throwing her against a garage door. Marilyn gives up Gredenko’s location.

3:09 Jack hangs up on Bill, who has now lost all control over CTU, and wonders aloud to himself, “How could I have been so stupid?” Honestly, Jack. How could you not have known that your evil father killed your scheming brother and plotted with a president to assassinate another president and is responsible for thousands and thousands of deaths? Dumbass …

3:14 Chloe is giving Morris shit about not finishing his “vectors.” He was getting a hole drilled through his bone marrow an hour ago, bitch. Lay off the poor bastard. Nadia tells them about Milo, and Morris gets all pissy. “Thanks for rubbing that salt in the wound.” Morris, you’re such a whiny ass.

3:18 What kind of hotel did Cromwell check into? A plasma screen and three rooms? I didn’t have running water in the Super 8 I stayed in.

3:19 Cromwell gets the call from Marilyn. Why would he not shut the door when he’s talking about killing Josh? What a convenient plot device … Gee, I wonder if Josh overhears him. Jack gets the address.

3:21 Josh says he’s going downstairs to get a soda before Cromwell stops him at gunpoint from leaving the room. The writers must have some sort of contest to see if they can make Cromwell even more evil every 15 minutes.

3:26 Oh, right. We’re in the middle of a presidential assassination plot. Lennox meets with Reed again to give him Wayne’s itinerary.

3:29 Morris buys whatever everyone buys at a seedy L.A. convenience store – a carton of cigs, a pint of whiskey, and some Altoids. At last! After six seasons, someone finally takes lunch on this show.

3:30 Morris starts chugging the whiskey, before sticking a finger down his throat to make himself throw up. His character just gets more and more appealing with every episode. Chloe sure can pick a winner, can’t she?

None of this should come as a surprise though. I’m surprised more CTU employees aren’t alcoholics. Hell, Tony was hammered doing field work for half of Season 4.

3:31 Only 24 could find some sexual tension in Jack’s ex strapping on a bullet proof vest. Of course, this is like foreplay for Jack. Nothing turns him on more the sound of Velcro being ripped apart.

3:32 Jack beats the shit out of Hacker. Again.

3:37 Morris visits Milo in the clinic, where he says, “You don’t have to downplay it to make me feel better.” What a bunch of sour grapes. The whole world revolves around you, doesn’t it, Morris? I might actually feel bad for you if you weren’t feeling bad enough for all of us, you sullen drunkard.

3:38 Reed asks Lennox to authorize security to allow his hit man in once again. Lennox gets cold feet and calls Secret Service to alert them to the attempt. I knew he would turn up good.

Reed smacks him Lennox in the head with a flashlight. Shit. You know, none of this would be happening if Aaron were still working in Secret Service and not engaged to Martha Logan somewhere.

3:41 Chloe confronts Morris about his drinking problem. I like that they’re giving Chloe some deeper subject matter to deal with, even if it does involve her insecure sourpuss of an ex-husband. But it’s nice to see her acting more mature for once and not spouting off inappropriate one-liners like an awkward teenager.

3:42 The CTU team enters Grendenko’s safe house to find that he’s split. Chloe texts Jack’s cell to tell him that Grendenko isn’t at the location: “OMG! Grendenko’s MIA! Morris is drunk! LOL!”

3:44 Jack, Marilyn and Hacker find that Cromwell has checked out of his hotel room. And he’s stolen … towels from the washroom! Pure evil, I tell you. Pure evil.

3:45 Jack agrees to trade himself in exchange for Josh. Couldn’t Jack just trade Kim instead? That way, we’d all be winners!

3:46 Jack beats the shit out of Hacker. Again.

3:51 Milo confronts Chloe about Morris’ drinking problem after smelling it on his breath. Guess those Altoids aren’t as curiously strong as they should be.

3:53 Jack leaves Marilyn in the stairwell with a gun and offers some quick firing lessons. “Know how to use this?,” he asks. Point and shoot.” Jack’s such a good teacher. I would love to see Jack Bauer’s character in a remake of the 1990 classic “Kindergarten Cop.” “It’s not a tumor, dammit! Now get in time out! (Fires his weapon over small child’s head holding a baloney sandwich) We are running out of time!”

Marilyn touches Jack’s face with her hand so longingly. Just kiss already. Audrey is not going to be happy when she hears about this. Jack is such a player.

3:54 Jack finds Cromwell and Josh in the machine room on the roof. Josh escapes as Jack gives himself up, and Jack has a heart-to-heart with dear old Dad.

3:55 Cromwell tells Jack that Gredenko blackmailed him into keeping the nukes after finding out about his role in the Palmer assassination, and that he’s been looking for Gredenko “to stop the attacks.” Jack calls bullshit.

3:58 Jack’s dying confession to his father? “I was never good enough for you.”

3:59 Jack spills his guts before being murdered execution style by his father. But he turns around and finds that the old bird has escaped again. He finds a cell phone with the text message “JACK. CALL 310.597.3781.” I called the number this afternoon. Totally disappointing. No message from Kiefer or anything. Don’t get my hopes up like that.

On the other end of the line is President Logan, who wants to see Jack about finding Gredenko. What has Logan been doing since resigning from office 18 months ago? Evilly stroking his new Al Gore beard, of course.

3:59:58 … 3:59:59 … 4:00:00