JACK BAUER RESPONSIBLE FOR ABU GHRAIB

The Associated Press reported yesterday that U.S. interrogators are now taking advice from and following the example of one Jack Bauer’s interrogation techniques.

The article cites Jack’s torture of Syed Ali in Season 2. Jack threatens Ali at gunpoint and then shows him via satellite his family, who have been captured and are being held at gunpoint. Jack then orders one of Ali’s sons shot, and the soldier holding them then stages the son’s death to extract information from Ali.

According to the article, more and more interrogations are now involving “mock executions.” You’re probably thinking what I’m thinking.

This is totally cool.

The article also mentions that “many American interrogators are young, receive little training and are pressured by commanders to extract information from prisoners as quickly as they can.” In other words, they must do it now.

In fact, one military academy professor says that “Jack Bauer represents one of his biggest training challenges.”

A challenge? With all due respect, Professor, Jack Bauer is a hero and a patriot. To call him anything otherwise is blasphemous. You should be thanking Jack Bauer for assisting your young cadets, offering his own unique perspective and sharing his more-often-than-not effective interrogation methods.

Retired U.S. Army Col. Stu Herrington even goes so far as to say that if Bauer worked for him, he’d be headed for a court-martial.

You would be headed for a court martial. You could be thrown in prison for treason, saying something like that about Jack Bauer. “Colonel Stu” apparently doesn’t have the balls Bill Buchanan does.

“I am distressed by the fact that the good guys are depicted as successfully employing what I consider are illegal, immoral and stupid tactics, and they're succeeding,” Herrington said. “When the good guys are doing something evil and win, that bothers me.”

No, good sir, you bother me.