Breaking Out of Prison Gets Even Harder

I'm a little bored and 24 isn't on (and let's be honest, last season was so uneven that my eye started to wander - I'm sorry baby, I was only looking, I swear! You're the only show for me, those other shows don't mean anything to me, it's just that I sometimes need coherent plot arcs that can cover half a season without stretching my patience!). Ahem, where was I? Oh yes, TV. Let's see what we can get going here.

Hey, Prison Break is back! What are Michael and Lincoln up to on their nice Panamanian vacation after Breaking Out Of Prison (dun dun dun)? What's that, you say? Back in prison, you say? Well shit, what's a guy got to do around here to get the fuck out of prison?!

• Previously on PB (Season 1): Lincoln was framed by The Conspiracy. Michael went into prison to break him out. Lots of people involved in intricate plan. Shit happened. More people involved. Broke Out Of Prison.
• Previously on PB (Season 2): Breaking Out Of Prison was just the beginning. Gang on the run, show name not changed. More intricate planning. Idiot son caused problems. Betrayals. Buried money found. Race to border. Shit happened, gang splits. Panama, but Agent Mahone tracked them down with help from T-Bag. Betrayals. Double crossing. Scheming. Almost everyone left alive ended up in Hell aka Soma Prison. Will have to break out.

Last season got a little off the rails crazy, but they've whittled the cast of characters down a bit. And they're in Panama. And back in prison somehow. There's some Conspiracy involved whose plot over the last two seasons may have been cover to set up the real conspiracy goal for this season (or something, I feel like Chris Carter was a guest writer on this Conspiracy arc). The evil silent dude is some sort of general and there may be some secret medical connection to Michael's prison breaking abilities for The Conspiracy's nefarious ends.

And they have a plan (cue Battlestar music)

Soma is real shitty (by network TV prison standards; one of the nancy boys from Oz could easily take this place over) and I know a lot of people will complain how unrealistic the whole deal is. But due to my former ability to work from home, I watched a lot of history channel and whatnot and saw a special on some Latin American prisons where the guards abandoned the place due to riots. And they looked just like Soma - grills and market stands and complete chaos and squalor. Except Major Bunny Colvin from The Wire didn't lord over the place with a shitty accent. Dude must have gotten a pretty harsh sentence for that drug legalization stunt he pulled in Bawlmore.

Somehow Michael and Mahone and Bellick end up in Soma together and people are big and bad and scary and Bunny wants Michael dead because he's a charismatic fucker and could challenge his rule. Don't question Michael's charisma, dude convinces everyone to dance to his tune and will Reach His Goal If It Kills Him. He's like Shawne Merriman in the Nike commercial I'm watching now, just buzzsawing through people to the soundtrack from Last of the Mohicans.

Uh, what else is going on? Lincoln is a free man. The Conspiracy wants Michael to break someone out of Soma for them (duh). Bellick is a prison bitch and is forced to clean the shitters and doesn't have clothes and no one will let him eat or drink (and illegal immigrants think they have it bad in the U.S. - ungrateful fuckers). So when some dude inside the walls gives him dead human to eat, he's cool with it. You think this wall guy is who needs to Break Out Of Prison? (dun dun dun) Uh, Michael and Mahone fuck people up. Then the plot decides to kick in and Lincoln's worthless son and Michael's worthless lady love smack addict have been kidnapped by The Conspiracy. They have to - wait for it - break the man between the walls out of prison or their loved ones will be tickled to death.

Annnnnnd Fall TV is back folks! Stay tuned to find the answers to these intriguing questions:

• If breaking out of prison is so hard that once you finally do it you end up running directly into a much worse prison, what's going to happen once they get out of Soma? Escape From New York?
• Will Michael ever realize he's wearing a long sleeve shirt and sweatshirt in fucking Panama or will the makeup artists continue refusing to draw his full body tattoos back on?
• Are the writers just phoning in this ridiculous New Conspiracy to callously capitalize on the success of this show?
• Where is the Soma prison doctor and how will Michael woo him/her into helping him escape?
• Why does network TV prison not scare me anymore after I was scarred for life by Oz?
  
• Where oh where is Sucre and will he find his lady love who is possibly trapped in a pit with only enough food for a couple days and snoooooooooooooore...
• And more!